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MR. ROGERS IS GOING TO
HELL, THE FDNY IS EVIL BUT HE LOVES THEM ANYWAY: THE GOSPEL ACCORDING
TO FRED PHELPS.
--A.J. Daulerio
"Look, Mr. Rogers went straight to hell. If everybody in the world
is holding some candlelight vigil and catawalling about what a wonderful
guy he was using the event of his death to preach propaganda lies from
the devil and hell, why should it seem strange for an old time Baptist
preacher to say 'Wait a moment please…"? He's in hell. And if
you're putting out cartoons depicting that he's in heaven, you've got
no basis for it. Do you want to make the argument that he's in heaven?"
MORE
THE DAIRYMAN COMETH.
--Trevor Thompson
"Wait," I interrupt him. "You breed cows? I bet that's
pretty fun." Dairyman is silent, chewing on the idea for a moment.
"Naw, not really. And it really sucks when girls stay over because
the fresh pen (where we put the pregnant heifers) is right outside my
bedroom window, so the cows are bleatin' and mooin' all morning, trying
to birth, and it wakes the girls up. I try to ignore them, but after ten
minutes or so I get fed up and run out there and pull the babies out."
MORE
FUN WITH 3-1-1! OPERATORS
ARE STILL STANDING BY.
--A.J. Daulerio, Will Leitch & Eric Gillin
Question: My cat is dead. Who do I contact about getting rid of it?
Time Until Answer: 8 minutes 13 seconds. The operator was very respectful
and patient and did two searches for trash pick-up schedules near 204th
Street, the location of our dead cat. Trash pickup is on Monday, Wednesday
and Friday, but we don't have to wait for two days. There's a number we
could call. She then apologized for the death of the cat again. Answer:
A special division of the New York Sanitation Department. MORE
WANT
TO MARRY THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE? HERE'S HOW NOT TO GET SCREWED ON THE RING.
--Mike Bruno
So you found the woman you want to spend your life with, and you're
looking to buy a diamond engagement ring. You poor bastard. Don't feel
too bad. You never stood a chance against the greatest marketing effort
in the history of mankind. If you love your woman and you want her to
marry you -- it doesn't matter if you're a high rollin' Wall Streeter
or a hand-to-mouth hot dog vendor -- you're dropping two months' salary
on a diamond ring. They command it in the ad. MORE
THE INSTANT MESSENGER HANDBOOK.
--Eric Gillin
The rise of real-time text communication, known as instant messaging
or IM for short, has unleashed a torrent of typing amongst teens, co-workers
and colleagues. But with so many people tapping out text in so many different
ways, technology has created an electronic Tower of Babel, where miscommunication
and frustration are common currencies. To help combat these issues, The
Black Table has taken it upon itself to create a guidebook so IMers can
finally be of one mind on critical issues related to general etiquette,
away messages, the use of personal icons and the kinds of crap that literally
pops up when you're using IM. MORE
TALES FROM THE PORTO! RELEASED
FROM THE BOWELS OF HELL.
--Josh Abraham
It's not that these potential memorials lack the appropriate gravitas
or are altogether terrible, it's just that they all feel the same. From
the street level, in the shadow of a massive new World Trade Center, passersby
will likely see a park. Or a reflecting pool. Or some lights. Or some
combination of the three. It's as if it were half-price day on "running
water over engraved stone" at the old idea shop and all these guys
had coupons. MORE
TEARDROPS & FOOTPRINTS:
A LOOK AT THE WORLD TRADE CENTER MEMORIAL PLANS.
--Will Leitch & Eric Gillin
It's not that these potential memorials lack the appropriate gravitas
or are altogether terrible, it's just that they all feel the same. From
the street level, in the shadow of a massive new World Trade Center, passersby
will likely see a park. Or a reflecting pool. Or some lights. Or some
combination of the three. It's as if it were half-price day on "running
water over engraved stone" at the old idea shop and all these guys
had coupons. MORE
A GRAPEFRUIT GROWS INSIDE
ME: OVARIAN CYSTS ARE COMMON, EASILY TREATED, AND SCARY.
--Aileen Gallagher
What I leaned from talking to others was that cysts are incredibly
common. Almost every woman I know either has a personal experience to
share or is acquainted with someone else who does. My mass was freaky
only for its size and had I been seeing a gynecologist regularly for a
few years previous, there's no way it would be that large. With most women,
a regular doctor's visit revealed a small cyst that could be lasered out
without much pain or discomfort. MORE
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, ON
EMPTY.
--Will Leitch
Dennis Kucinich, entirely invisible from the back seat, moans. "I've
got food all over the place down here. Whose car is this?" Amy, the
campaign's field manager, chimes in from the back seat. "Don't worry
about it. It's a rental. You're the one paying for it." Kucinich
begins to speak, but then Amy's cell phone rings. "It's California,
they're ready for that conference call." "This is a really nice
phone, Amy. Fancy," he says, handing it back to her. "Thanks.
You're paying for that too." MORE
THE MILLER'S CROSSING.
--Rick Chandler
DENNIS MILLER (1988): We'll get to that. Um, not to piss in the punch
bowl here, but Monday Night Football? What the fuck were you thinking?
DENNIS MILLER (2003): It was a high-profile gig. DENNIS MILLER (1988):
What do you know about football? I seem to recall a certain touch football
game at Saturday Night Live where I asked Kevin Nealon to "hold my
inhaler while I try to catch the oblong object." Football? I thought
Joe Montana was a town where you couldn't get cable. MORE
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