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MR. ROGERS IS GOING TO HELL, THE FDNY IS EVIL BUT HE LOVES THEM ANYWAY: THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO FRED PHELPS.

"Look, Mr. Rogers went straight to hell. If everybody in the world is holding some candlelight vigil and catawalling about what a wonderful guy he was using the event of his death to preach propaganda lies from the devil and hell, why should it seem strange for an old time Baptist preacher to say 'Wait a moment please…"? He's in hell. And if you're putting out cartoons depicting that he's in heaven, you've got no basis for it. Do you want to make the argument that he's in heaven?" MORE

THE DAIRYMAN COMETH.

"Wait," I interrupt him. "You breed cows? I bet that's pretty fun." Dairyman is silent, chewing on the idea for a moment. "Naw, not really. And it really sucks when girls stay over because the fresh pen (where we put the pregnant heifers) is right outside my bedroom window, so the cows are bleatin' and mooin' all morning, trying to birth, and it wakes the girls up. I try to ignore them, but after ten minutes or so I get fed up and run out there and pull the babies out." MORE

FUN WITH 3-1-1! OPERATORS ARE STILL STANDING BY.

Question: My cat is dead. Who do I contact about getting rid of it? Time Until Answer: 8 minutes 13 seconds. The operator was very respectful and patient and did two searches for trash pick-up schedules near 204th Street, the location of our dead cat. Trash pickup is on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but we don't have to wait for two days. There's a number we could call. She then apologized for the death of the cat again. Answer: A special division of the New York Sanitation Department. MORE

WANT TO MARRY THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE? HERE'S HOW NOT TO GET SCREWED ON THE RING.

So you found the woman you want to spend your life with, and you're looking to buy a diamond engagement ring. You poor bastard. Don't feel too bad. You never stood a chance against the greatest marketing effort in the history of mankind. If you love your woman and you want her to marry you -- it doesn't matter if you're a high rollin' Wall Streeter or a hand-to-mouth hot dog vendor -- you're dropping two months' salary on a diamond ring. They command it in the ad. MORE

THE INSTANT MESSENGER HANDBOOK.

The rise of real-time text communication, known as instant messaging or IM for short, has unleashed a torrent of typing amongst teens, co-workers and colleagues. But with so many people tapping out text in so many different ways, technology has created an electronic Tower of Babel, where miscommunication and frustration are common currencies. To help combat these issues, The Black Table has taken it upon itself to create a guidebook so IMers can finally be of one mind on critical issues related to general etiquette, away messages, the use of personal icons and the kinds of crap that literally pops up when you're using IM. MORE

TALES FROM THE PORTO! RELEASED FROM THE BOWELS OF HELL.

It's not that these potential memorials lack the appropriate gravitas or are altogether terrible, it's just that they all feel the same. From the street level, in the shadow of a massive new World Trade Center, passersby will likely see a park. Or a reflecting pool. Or some lights. Or some combination of the three. It's as if it were half-price day on "running water over engraved stone" at the old idea shop and all these guys had coupons. MORE

TEARDROPS & FOOTPRINTS: A LOOK AT THE WORLD TRADE CENTER MEMORIAL PLANS.

It's not that these potential memorials lack the appropriate gravitas or are altogether terrible, it's just that they all feel the same. From the street level, in the shadow of a massive new World Trade Center, passersby will likely see a park. Or a reflecting pool. Or some lights. Or some combination of the three. It's as if it were half-price day on "running water over engraved stone" at the old idea shop and all these guys had coupons. MORE

A GRAPEFRUIT GROWS INSIDE ME: OVARIAN CYSTS ARE COMMON, EASILY TREATED, AND SCARY.

What I leaned from talking to others was that cysts are incredibly common. Almost every woman I know either has a personal experience to share or is acquainted with someone else who does. My mass was freaky only for its size and had I been seeing a gynecologist regularly for a few years previous, there's no way it would be that large. With most women, a regular doctor's visit revealed a small cyst that could be lasered out without much pain or discomfort. MORE

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, ON EMPTY.

Dennis Kucinich, entirely invisible from the back seat, moans. "I've got food all over the place down here. Whose car is this?" Amy, the campaign's field manager, chimes in from the back seat. "Don't worry about it. It's a rental. You're the one paying for it." Kucinich begins to speak, but then Amy's cell phone rings. "It's California, they're ready for that conference call." "This is a really nice phone, Amy. Fancy," he says, handing it back to her. "Thanks. You're paying for that too." MORE

THE MILLER'S CROSSING.

DENNIS MILLER (1988): We'll get to that. Um, not to piss in the punch bowl here, but Monday Night Football? What the fuck were you thinking? DENNIS MILLER (2003): It was a high-profile gig. DENNIS MILLER (1988): What do you know about football? I seem to recall a certain touch football game at Saturday Night Live where I asked Kevin Nealon to "hold my inhaler while I try to catch the oblong object." Football? I thought Joe Montana was a town where you couldn't get cable. MORE