back to the Black Table

 Ex-boyfriends are such loathsome creatures, soulless monstrosities, spawns of Lucifer, with fiery tentacles sprouting from their foreheads and coarse, hairy scales blanketing an ember, callus skin. Their minds are black clouds, electric storms sending out noxious currents of malignancy. When they look deep inside, they see a pit of foul nothingness, rancid, rotting nether. They are not exclusive or solitary. They are all worthless feces, not content to flounder in their own detestable filth, instead spreading their wretched disease to anything they would deign to soil with their wretched presence.

I find it astounding that somewhere out there, I'm considered one of them.

I hate them all. I hate the musicians, I hate the football players, I hate the sensitive art students, I hate the boyhood pals who unwittingly grew into something more, I hate the one her parents just loved it's-a-shame-it-never-worked-out. I hate the ones with brown hair, blonde hair, red hair, floppy hair, short hair, glasses, contacts, Lasik surgery, college degrees, work permits, 401k plans, tattoos, green eyes, nice shoes, geographic proximity, happy home lives, positive future with this company, ability to laugh amiably at life's peculiar peccadilloes. I am not specific.

Some in pop psychology would call this the virgin/whore complex. All men want a woman who is a hellion in bed but has never been with anyone but them. That's crap. How clich_. It is not that simple. It is not a matter of emotional irrationality. I am not talking about me here, or what goes on in my head. I am talking about the fact that all ex-boyfriends are evil demons who must be vaporized, preferably in a violent, tremendously painful way. (Perhaps ripped apart by wolves, or surgical vivisection without the benefits of anesthesia. That might be nice.) I give you nothing but facts. I am a journalist. I did nothing to facilitate this truth. I simply report it. Please, don't blame the messenger.

Perhaps they once did something nice. Perhaps they came at the right time in her life, perhaps they transitioned her to the grownup world, perhaps they were sweet and caring and not-the-right-person-but-sweet-nevertheless-and-they-are-wished-well. These are rouses the ex-boyfriend uses to draw you in, to make you feel that they are harmless, that they can be trusted. They are not to be trusted. They are evil. Did I mention the tentacles? I think I did. In case I didn't, they have tentacles -- fiery ones.

Perhaps they even wish you well. Perhaps they are happy she is with someone who cares deeply for her. Perhaps they hang around merely to hold onto a friendship, cherishing what made her special, happy to just have a part in her life. Perhaps they don't even think about her, except to hope she is happy. Again, more crap. This is how they get you. Their nefarious ways know no bounds.

Out there somewhere, there are ex-girlfriends. They are in my past, no longer applicable to my life, obviously, duh. I am certain they all think of me as the selfless, amiable, spirited naifish imp that I naturally am. I contributed something to them, I made their life appreciably better in some small way, I am a fond memory. This makes me decidedly different than ex-boyfriends.

They are bad. They molest children and dropkick kittens. They ignore Mother's Day, love Limp Bizkit and often, when no one is looking, commit acts of such carnal degradation that Satan himself would frown in disapproval. I've heard rumors that they know goats in the Biblical sense and have killed men simply for snoring too loud. These are rumors. You know what they say about rumors. They are to be believed. They are to be accepted as gospel. Retribution shall be ours.

I am not like them. I am pure and intend only well. I have a soul and vitality that cannot be suppressed. Their ilk is not like me. Thank God. Thankfully, I am different. Thankfully, I do not share their vile ways. That I am excluded from them c I feel so fortunate.

Please, take this column not as a bouncy lark, or a whimsical commentary on the state of human interaction. These are serious matters. This is not a time for irony, or humor, or even complacency. Our long national nightmare is not over. If we are not vigilant, they will infiltrate our institutions. They will take over our society and all we hold dear. We simply have no choice. Extermination is our only option. These are not criminals who can be rehabilitated. They are worthless scum, barnacles feasting on our nether regions. We must take them out, without prejudice. It is essential that you, reader, join me in this quest.

I have made it very easy for you. I have compiled a list.

Steve, Andrew, Frank, Scott, Albert, Duane, Mike, Donald, William, Eric, Tim, Matt, Emir, Alan, James, Chris, Bryan, Brian, Dennis, Gregory, Ken, David, Tom, Karl, C.J, Jason, Rafat, Ryan, Jeff, Casey, Wade, Cort, Travis, Kyle, Troy, Robert, Jonathan, Arthur, Neal, Doug, Brad, Patrick, Wayne, Garth, Phil, Bill, Paul, Rick, Charles, Tony, Jeremy. Those are, to the best of my calculations, the names of the men who have ever dated anyone I have ever dated. I do recognize that many of these are quite common first names. I have allotted for that. If you come across an individual with any of these monikers, it is imperative that you dispose of them on sight, by any means necessary. It is possible that you will not be executing the exact right individual. That is fine. In the face of this menace, certain sacrifices must be made.

In fact, in case one of my editors has missed a typographical error, it is acceptable to murder anyone with a variation on one of these names; say, Ronald rather than Donald. It is also satisfactory to kill those whose names rhyme with someone on this list, just in case I remembered one incorrectly. If you happen to find a woman with the name of someone on the list, it's best to do her to; modern surgery can do wonders for those fearing the full brunt of my wrath. Actually, while we're on that topic, if you could, would it be possible for you to emasculate them before they die? If you could take care of that, it would be greatly appreciated.

Join me, my young warriors. We are common decency's last hope.



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