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Miller High Life
Advertised as the "champagne of beers", but that's much too frou-frou. I like "carbonated butter." Miller High Life is big slabs of deer meat on a toasted roll. It's dirty fingernails scooping out pumpkin pie. It makes even the most sterile suburbanite feel like a Teamster. It's outstanding.

Rating: Extremely outstanding.

  Olde English Malt Liquor in a Can
The bottled version is heavenly, but in a can it goes warm instantly and is flat after three sips. If apples could urinate, they would pee this beverage. Drinkers in the room dubbed it "the Kool Aid of beers" and "liquid homelessness."

Rating: Really bad.

Ballantine Ale
Bitter from the beginning, with one mean fucking aftertaste, this would be a perfect beverage to serve the divorced, alcoholic ex-convicts at your next dinner party. This is the kind of ale that hangs out near the pool table, grabbing asses and threatening little people to fight.

Rating: Drinkable.

This is, apparently, a premium Czech lager. And that's probably a telling indicator of what life is like in the Czech Republic. It's watery, stale and tastes like the ass of a drunk sailor. Makes us wonder how long it takes to ship beer from over there.

Rating: Gross.

I am unequivocally terrified after my first sip of Tecate. It tastes like water. It was made in Mexico. I am waiting for a puddle of warm shit to form in my pants at any moment. But surprisingly, there is no mess. Instead, it's just your relatively harmless, run-of-the mill, watery beer.

Rating: Mexican.

  St. Ides Malt Liquor
This beer gives me the willies. Other beers go down all fizzy, but this goes down in one big glob, like mother's milk. You can really hurt yourself with this crap. The bubbles make it fruity and at 99 cents for a 22-ounce bottle -- poverty makes it attractive.

Rating: Cheap.

Country Club Malt Liquor
This is a Dear John letter from your brain to your liver. It's so smooth and creamy and refreshing I thought the can was made from magic. It packs a hell of a whallop and costs less than a buck a can. Seconds after finishing it, I quit my job and vowed to never wash again.

Rating: Niiice.

  Molson Canadian
I once knew this Canadian kid named Paul Gilbert. He had a strange hump on his back, was dumb as a tabletop and sported an enormous penis. This is that kind of beer. What else can you say? It's still cold. This is pretty good.

Rating: Pretty good.

Olde English HG800 High Gravity Malt Liquor
The HG800 High Gravity Robot is a titanium war machine, hell-bent on eliminating the impulses that keep humans from turning into savage beasts. After rubbing myself all over the only female in the room, I pulled out a switchblade, sliced the empty can and fucked the hole.

Rating: Unstoppable.

Tastes like the lips of a conquering Colonial Williamsburg hipster at 4:30 a.m. without the cocaine, which is a pity really.

Rating: Numb.

The primative liquids of this pungent beer lead to a nutty aftertaste that is quite unique. The 1950s, hand-brushed injun keeps staring at me, begging me to come to Cuba. Avenge me. There is more of this here for you. Oh, Mi Cooba! But no! Before I go, I feel like scalpin' a few Whiteys!

Rating: Inebriating.

  Steel Reserve 211
This was so wonderful, went down smooth as syrup and was really classy, baby. And then I remembered I'm not a Crack Whore! As long as there is any alcoholic alternative, including Prison Wine, this "Steel Reserve" will not pass my lips again.

Rating: Sucky.

Lite Ice
Like all Ice beers tend to do, I have an overwhelming urge to rape an Eskimo. Fortunately for our good friend Kiko, who has just arrived, this is "Lite" ice. His sled-dog, Niknuk, however, is in for a long night.

Rating: Plausible.

  Budweiser Tall Boy
I am very drunk. This is the exact kind of thing I want. I just drank it while peeing, thinking to myself that the King of Beers was coming in and the Paupers of Beers were fleeing. That, of course, led to thoughts of why Communism has never taken a hold in the United States and I was just glad I was drinking American.

Rating: Freedom.

Colt 45 Malt Liquor
I feel hopeful and really good about life, you know. That slogan "It works every time!" Man, that works every time. That's a promise they are gonna keep. It works every time. Billy Dee Williams won't lie to you and I can't either.

Rating: Tasty.

  Rolling Rock
After a hard day at work and mowing the lawn, I reach for a 16 oz. Rock. It's delicious and bubbly. It makes me want to boff redheads and short blondes. You can tell, from the hops and all that yeast and the amber flaxen how this beer could make you feel golden and moist inside.

Rating: Rockin'.

Stella Artois
Even though I have no idea where Belgium is, they brew a fine beer. I imagine this so-called Belgium being a magical place where the waterfalls flow this fantastic beverage and topless blonde ladies dance in wooden shoes to some sort of flute music. If I have one more Stella Artois, I may have to go have sex with a soft melon immediately or I won't ever be able to get to sleep tonight.

Rating: Boner.

  Yuengling Traditional Lager
Although its brewed in a small Pennsylvania town, Yuengling tastes like it was brewed in a larger, more industrialized town. Perhaps Pittsburgh? Or maybe Allentown? After only two Yuenglings I feel I have the strength to take on a Puerto Rican gang, kill them, and steal *their* hubcaps.

Rating: Taut.


In the mood for more beer?

Part One: Cheap Beers.

Part Two: More Beers.

Part Three: Summer Beers.

Part Four: Oktoberfest.

Part Five: Best of the Rest.




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