The phone here at The Black Table has been ringing off the hook with people who want to give shout outs to their homies, so we opened up our airways to allow them to speechify and talkerize as they saw fit. Some people gave shouts out to Jersey for representing, despite all the playa hating. Other people gave the gas face to that new girl with the booming system. Our homie, Will Ferrell, gets love, but that computer dork Mark Hamill can keep on pimpin' himself in Times Square, because he ain't all THAT. Okay?!
(Oh, yes. And Black Table contributor David Gaffen got married on Saturday. Big ups to Diamond Dizzle. Gifts for Mr. Gaffen should be sent in the form of reviews to the Black List, courtesy of this link right HERE.)
This week's batch of 11 reviews are more personal than usual, ya heard.
--E
DAVID GAFFEN'S WEDDING, amazing: A+
THE DARKNESS "PERMISSION TO LAND," rules your world: A-
THE NEW GIRL, named JEN, who sucks: A-
Can you please stop dissing NEW JERSEY?: B+
STRAIGHT EYE FOR THE QUEER GUY, the inevitable inversion of the pop culture nugget: C+
VIACOM-MING my TV shows, turning everything into bland, pasteurized flavors of MTV: D
MARK HAMILL'S POST STAR WARS CAREER, wheeze: D-
*BT*
DAVID GAFFEN'S WEDDING: What makes a great wedding? Plenty of alcohol: Check. Old women grooving on the dance floor: Check. A wedding band worthy of Tom Perrotta's The Wishbones, in lieu of another lame DJ: Check. The groom gracefully smashing the glass with his first stomping attempt: Check. A breathtaking lunar eclipse that has the entire wedding party braving freezing temperatures, staring toward the heavens in awe: Check. Two people genuinely in love, starting out a life that will be much better than ours: Check. Congratulations, Dave, from The Black Table. A+ -- Eric Gillin & Will Leitch
THE LUNAR ECLIPSE: I saw the lunar eclipse last Saturday and, man, is the lunar eclipse losing it. Back before the eclipse went all "commerical," there was none of this "translucent shadow" shit. There was none of this "millimeter of moon midriff uncovered," MTV-fashioned play for attention. Naw, man, when I was a kid the moon got all blacked out and the eclipse just didn't give A SHIT, you know what I mean. Now it's just phoning it in. Fuck you, eclipse... fuckin' sellout. D -- Jason Notte
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S BEST OF WILL FERRELL DVD: Let's face it: It will be a long time before Saturday Night Live has another cast member steal every scene and make even the most boring, absurd, unfunny sketches moderately amusing just by a facial expression. Will Ferrell was one of those cast members and the DVD compilation of his "best" work on the show does give a glimpse of the all-or-nothing comedy style that has endeared Ferrell to millions since his stint on SNL. However, there are a few sketches on this compilation that are inevitably skipped over upon second (okay, third) viewing and some glaring omissions (No Neil Diamond??) that are just indefensable. DVD additions include a couple of his Conan O'Brien appearances, his original SNL audition, sketch bloopers and outtakes, but the true gem is a dress sketch cut from the show called "The Old Prospector" which although poorly written is so incredibly funny that it's a must-see for Ferrell fans. Gooo-lay. B -- A.J. Daulerio
VIACOM-MING: Now that Viacom has officially made cable TV its bitch, ratingswise, the editing techniques pioneered by slave intern laborers at MTV 12 years ago, pop up on across every network. Now I don't know whether I'm watching an MTV psuedo-documentary about high school she-males or a CMT countdown of the top 20 country music wife-beaters. Hell, I love a quick cut as much as the next ADD-afflicted TV-watching slob, but the shows are so interchangeable that it doesn't matter what channel I'm watching anymore. Will the viacom producers ever come up with a sequence that doesn't need the instrumental from "Big Pimpin" behind it? At least they haven't permanently screwed up Comedy Central....yet. D -- J.F.
THE DARKNESS "PERMISSION TO LAND": Be warned. When you put this on the stereo the first time, a riff ripped from the AC/DC playbook will destroy one speaker, that is, until the second guitar and drum beat kick in seconds later and blasts a hole through the other one, too. While your stereo smolders, it's not until the singer hits
that first mind-bending, Geddy Lee-worthy note in the opening minute that you realize *exactly* how good this band is and how long you've been waiting for the return of heavy metal thunder. Let it settle in. Accept that feeling. By the end of this 10-song record, you will have flicked your Bic twice, air soloed to six songs and strained your Sternocleidomastoid muscles from head banging too hard. Is this a life changing moment? Undoubtedly. Time to start growing your hair out. A- -- Eric Gillin
BLUSHING: Blushing is cool if you're not the one doing it. It gives you an upper hand in the situation because you can see that the second party is super self-conscious and, intrinsically, they must really care what you think. On the flip side, blushers are really in for it. I "have a friend" who blushes at the slightest awkward moments. She tells her mom a joke and is greeted with minimal laughter? Blushes. She tries pants on the TJ Maxx dressing room and they fit like they were made for her? Blushes. A co-worker compliments her earrings? Yup, she blushes. What really adds insult to injury is when people POINT out the blushing that's occurring. A chronic blusher certainly knows what's going on with their face without some dickweed pointing out how that their face looks like beefsteak tomato. D -- PJamma
NEW JERSEY: People dick on Jersey. I question this because, really, all Jersey did was take all the shit everyone wanted to get rid of. New Jersey is sort of like the kid who hosts the party, no one pays him back for booze, and then they mock his taste in music. No, Jersey agreed to host the party again, and for that I say thank you. B+ -- Ross Mudrick
THE NEW GIRL: My friend Smitz brought a coworker to our weekly happy hour. The coworker's name is Jen. (NOTE: She has huge sweater cows.) After Smitz was done with the requisite coworker small talk, I attempted to engage Jen with some witty banter. My first impression was Jen's foul mouth and penchant for burning others with her cigarette. (NOTE: I no longer drink due to some problems down at the cop shop, so my account of the night is a sober one.) To add emphasis to her filthy stories, (NOTE: They inevitably ended in some kind of three-way.), she would stretch her arms back behind her and let out a roaring belch. After one of the more disgusting gastric expulsions, the man playing the Deer Hunter video game behind her turned the toy shotgun and unloaded 3 fictional rounds into her head. (NOTE: I sat in awe.) This buxom blonde was beginning to anger the locals. It was like watching a train wreck, and I loved every minute of it. My swooning was cut short however. Jen extinguished her menthol on my wrist. (NOTE: It hurt. It still hurts.) A- -- Friend Of Smitz
MARK HAMILL'S POST STAR WARS CAREER: Listen up folks. Mark Hamill is tired of being associated as "that guy from Star Wars". His latest endeavor is a dance number on Broadway, entitled "Six Dance Lessons in Six Weeks". It is Mark's latest attempt to gain recognition for his extensive acting talents, which are apparent in his other masterpieces including: The Guyver, Walking Across Egypt, Corvette Summer and the Wing Commander CD-ROM series. When questioned on his new role, Mark responds, "I read anything that's offered me with sort of a jaundiced eye. I figure, 'How good can it be that I'm going to be their first choice?' ". We feel the same way. Mark do us all a favor, go back and pick up some power converters. D- -- Dean Mekkawy
THE PICTURE MY FATHER FOUND TUCKED INTO A COPY OF TOM STOPPARD'S ARCADIA OF MY SISTER SITTING ON A FUTON AT A COLLEGE PARTY, TANKED OUT OF HER GODDAMN MIND: Holy hell, you're wasted. Bonus points for no one else in the picture looking even remotely intoxicated (is that girl checking her watch?), Eduardo keeping you from doing a full Judy Garland on that office depot futon by grabbing at your tits, and Dad's reaction, which was to immediately try and figure out a way to make it into the family computer's desktop background. Cheers to you, lil sis. A+ -- e.b.
STRAIGHT EYE FOR THE QUEER GUY: So Bravo has announced that, for a one-time special, they're going to flip the successful "gay guys help straight guy" scenario. OK, but why do their ideas for the show include teaching gays the finer points of power tools and the NFL? Isn't this a little ridiculous? I'm a straight guy, and I don't like football, and the last power tool I handled was my own. The reason why "QEFTSG" works is because their tips (good hygiene, clean your damn apartment, dress better, have some manners) are common sense, whether you are gay or straight. Will the straight guys also teach about wearing wife beater T-shirts and the Three Stooges?. Hey, maybe the actual show will be better thought out than that, but for now the idea gets a... C+ -- Bob Sassone
MORE.
THINGS GET DOUBLE PLUS UNGOOD.
I BREAK FOR IRONY, THEN I BACK UP AND RUN IT OVER UNTIL IT'S DEAD.
INTRODUCING PUSH-TO-SUBMIT TECHNOLOGY.
MORE TO LIFE THAN FOOTBALL? THAT'S UNPOSSIBLE.
THE FIRST LABOR AFTER LABOR DAY WEEKEND.
YOU TAKE THE GOOD AND TAKE THE BAD.
I FEEL PRETTY. AT LEAST I WANT TO.
A RANDOM REVIEW OF EVERYTHING, IN GRADE FORM.
*BT*
