When I was a kid my parents bought me the Star Wars Droid Builder playset, which I opened the second I found it stashed away under some clothing. I got busted and my parents never let me have the toy.

But now that I'm out of the house, I can open up my toys whenever I want. So with this rebellous spirit (cock, balls!) I unveil the new way of submitting to the Black List, which is clicking on that toilet over there on the right. The entire page has been spruced up as well, in hopes of making it more readable. Remember: Early presents are just as good as the on-time ones, unless your parents are secretive weirdos.

Happy Hanukkah.*

--E

* -- Non-Jews take note: Hanukkah starts this Friday Night. It is not pronounced Chaka Khan. We do not Wang Chung for eight nights. It is pronounced "Ha-New-Cah" Get it right this year.

SADDAM HUSSEIN'S CAPTURE: A+

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, guuush: A

BIG FISH, Tim Burton's psychic atonement for the last couple movies: B+

THE SEPTEMBER 11TH MEMORIAL IN MOSES LAKE, WASHINGTON, proof that people outside New York can be tasteful: B

THIS PROMO FOR SOME SHOW ON THE WB. Three words: "That's my mom.": B+

ALCOHOL PROMO GIRLS, the Champagne Room's away squad: C-

GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS is always this big long process and when you get there all you want to do is head right back home: C-

Can we somehow blame the DEATH OF KEIKO THE KILLER WHALE on the people at Disney? Is this possible?: D

ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVERING YOUR JOB HIRED SOMEONE TO REPLACE YOU, oh man, it really fucking happened: D

ASSEMBLING IKEA FURNITURE, which blows, since all the directions are written in umlaut and that stupid hex wrench couldn't screw Paris Hilton. D

GETTING A TAG-TEAM PELVIC EXAM, which seemed like a good idea at first until the words "speculum" and "deep breath" became the focus of the conversation: F

HAVING A BIRTHDAY NEAR CHRISTMAS is really crappy, as you'd expect: F

SADDAM HUSSEIN'S CAPTURE: As L. Paul Bremer said, "We got him." Saddam Hussein was pulled out of a hole on Saturday looking like that guy on the A train everyone shuffles away from. There's something satisfying about seeing such a despot get checked for lice on international TV. Say what you will (and I do) about the questionable motives for the Iraq war and its continuing casualty count. But there's nothing bad about getting rid of a dictator. Ask the Jews and the former Yugoslavians. Ask the Spaniards, too. Or the Russians. Fortunately, most of us will never know the palpable fear stemming from an oppressive ruler. Iraqis can now feel free to curse Saddam's name and beat his portrait with the bottom of their shoes. Don't know if that makes up for the gas, the mass graves, et. al., but it's a start. And let's hear it for military intelligence, who saved their reputation with this one. A+ -- Aileen Gallagher

GETTING A TAG-TEAM PELVIC EXAM: So, I head down to the old OB-GYN for what I expect to be a routine visit, when my doctor catches me off guard and asks whether I would mind if some students sat in on the exam

as a learning experience. Unable to come up with an excuse off the top of my head as to why I would mind such a thing, I nodded, err, OK, that should be fine. I'm a big girl. This is medical. Besides, god forbid my doctor think that I'm a prude, or something. I made it through the breast check OK, despite the weirdness of getting felt up by a forty-year old woman in front of a group of people as she pointed out possible abnormalities of my tits. I really started to spaz when she said "now I'm going to put some K-Y jelly on my fingers to warm her up so that I don't hurt her with the speculum" and then six people with clipboards stared up into my kooch remarking upon "my nice, pink, healthy cervix." Ladies, if anyone ever utters the words "would anyone like to try swabbing her?" while you're laying on your back naked with your feet in stirrups, take it from me and get the hell out of there. Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing. F -- Amy Blair

HAVING A BIRTHDAY NEAR CHRISTMAS: I have a birthday on December 21. Yeah, go ahead and do what all my friends do, which is wince and go, "Man, I bet everybody gets you the combo-gift." Then they promptly send a package with a Christmas-Birthday gift. Furthermore, a birthday on the 21st guarantees you a day with no friends around -- finals are over or people have taken off work to go home for the holidays. The 21st is also the solstice, meaning my birthday is the shortest day of the goddamned year. I don't even normally get an astrological sign -- I have to jump between two since I'm on the cusp. Finally, this year decided to top the whole damn thing off by landing the 21st on a Sunday. A Sunday, for god's sake. You can't even buy booze in Colorado on Sundays. A boozeless Sunday with leftover friends and combo-gifts -- bring it on, 24. F -- Jennie Dorris

BIG FISH: Like a toddler with a painting project, Tim Burton usually leaves his fingerprints all over a movie as he's making it. That, of course, is part of the charm. We've grown to enjoy Burton's original stamp on everything from Sleepy Hollow to the Planet of the Apes. Even when the movies aren't great, there's something to look at. But this time around, with Big Fish, a moving family drama out in time for the holidays, Burton loses the ham-handed approach and weaves together a story that might leave you a bit misty -- especially if you've got a couple of father issues that need to work out. By creating a world that's as emotionally real as it is visually unreal with a cast that acts and doesn't merely wander through the CGI, Big Fish is the grown-up movie Burton's been threatening since Ed Wood. B+ -- Eric Gillin

ALCOHOL PROMO GIRLS: Nothing warms the loins (and reinvigorates a tired liver) like the appearance of a pair of hotties in triple-fat goose downs at the doorway of the gin joint you hang out in on snowy Saturday nights. But don't kick-start your heart until they shed the parkas; if they're wearing tee shirts and buttons emblazoned with logos from Malibu or Captain Morgan or some B-rate moonshine you've never heard of, be prepared for an evening of incessant interruption. These models-in-limbo will attack your manhood, tempt you with their (fading) sexuality, and cop a poor-girl-just-trying-to-do-her-job attitude all in an effort to forcefeed you their concoction. They're like a travelling version of the Champagne Room. they do not intend on going home with you, and the 18 Brubakers you drank before they got there were plenty. C- -- R A Miller

GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS: Yes, yes, it's good to see you, Aunt Caroline. Well, I HAVE gotten taller since you saw me last, but, then again, that was 1982. No, no, I don't see a lot of hookers in New York. I'm sure they're there, though. Yes. Yes. I was in New York on September 11. Sure, I'd LOVE to relive it with you while eating jello and listening to your baby cry. Why aren't I married? Well, have you looked at me lately? I can't even balance a damned checkbook. And look at you. You're married, and you don't seem too happy to me. In fact, your face looks kind of like a roadmap. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm happy to be home. So, what do you want to do? Oh. Of course. Go to Wal-Mart. What else is there? How long am I in town for? When does my plane leave? Not soon enough, Caroline ... not soon enough. C- -- Will Leitch

DEATH OF KEIKO THE KILLER WHALE: So, apparently Keiko means "lucky one" in Japanese. If you consider being captured, spending 25 years in captivity swimming in a filthy Mexican cesspool masquerading as an aquarium, having your defining physical feature go flacid, only to be released into the nut shrivelling waters off Norway where tourists hound you and jump in the water and ride you like the penny pony at the grocery store... if you consider that lucky give me a ring and we'll head to Vegas. I'll pay. While the attempts to reintroduce Keiko to the wild were admirable it's hard to see how this was a success, especially when you consider the millions spent on one aging not so killer whale. If it's okay with everyone else, I'd like to blame Disney for all this. D -- Ross Tucker

ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVERING YOUR JOB HIRED SOMEONE TO REPLACE YOU: It's not the computer guy's fault that he let it slip. When he said, "I'll be back later to change your computer over for the new guy," it probably never occurred to him that he was the one to break the news. In fact, everybody probably thought that someone else had mentioned it. But they didn't, did they? What, were they just going to wait until you found the new guy sitting in your seat on Monday morning? Hoping maybe by some coincidence you'd just stop coming in at the same time that the new guy started? Sure, finding out a few days ahead is better than not finding out at all, but it's still not very nice. D -- Sandra Barron

THIS PROMO FOR SOME SHOW ON THE WB: Opening: Parents telling 14 year-oldish boy they're going out of town, leaving him alone in the house for the weekend, presumably for the first time. Cut to: Boy's friends, "Dude, party!" Cut to: Lame party in house, boy looks distraught, cool kid says, "Got any good porn?" Cut to: Boys gathered around tv, they put a home video in. Cut to: Kid, "Who's the girl on the tape?" Cut to: Boy looks distraught. Dramatic music swells. Tight close-up on the boy. Pained, so very, very pained. "That's my mom." And I laugh and laugh and laugh. I'm slightly distraught that I'm in the middle of exams and can't actually watch the episode. Of course, that would require the effort of finding out what the show's called. In any case, there's no way the delivery could live up to the promo. B+ -- R.M. Weiner

ASSEMBLING IKEA FURNITURE: How badly do you need that Jaarsüso armchair? Just because it's cheap doesn't mean it's not going to cost ya. Just wait until you dump that bursting cardboard box out on your floor after hefting it up a flight of stairs. Oh, you'll find the assembly instructions, but they're really just jaunty illustrations of (missing) pieces and steps (in no particular order). Give up even trying to find a use for the S-shaped widget that you're supposed to use to put the whole thing together. It just gets worse when your partner stops in to say "What's the problem? IKEA furniture is easy to put together?" and then spends an hour squinting at the directions, which are actually upside down. D -- Lisa Baggerman

THE SEPTEMBER 11TH MEMORIAL IN MOSES LAKE, WASHINGTON: I live in the small farming town of Moses Lake, Washington, population 15,442. I left Seattle for a job here a year-and-a-half ago and it's everything I expected it to be. Most of the vehicles are giant, jacked-up pickups, many of which have a Calvin-peeing-on-something decal, a hyper-patriotic bumper sticker, or both. There are four country music stations. Anyway, when I heard that a September 11th memorial was going to be built in one of the public parks, I figured it would be a ridiculously gaudy, red-white-and-blue painted eagle, or something similar. Instead, it turned out to be a very understated black marble miniature of the Towers with black marble dripping down the granite base with a simple black plaque reading "September 11, 2001." I'm giving it a C for originality, but an A for not having any "We're gonna kick your ASS!!" sentiment to it. All told: B -- Schuyler St. Lawrence

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: My true object of lust is Gyllenhaal's brother Jake, but my admiration for Maggie supercedes that. Man, I wish I was her. She's been making the rounds promoting Mona Lisa Smile and outshined co-stars Julia Stiles, Kirsten Dunst, and Julia Roberts on the "Oprah" show. She outshined them all. This is because Maggie exudes that old-fashioned sexiness that other actresses lack. As James Spader's S&M sex slave in The Secretary, her sexuality was never in-your-face -- it was sweet and almost innocent. And yet the seemingly coy Maggie always chooses roles with a sexual edge, like Mona Lisa Smile, but is so good she remains the girl-next-door. And her face is a make-up artists dream: Adorably rosy cheeks, long eyelashes that almost rival Jake's, and lips tailored by the gods to wear bright red lipstick. Best of all, she's a guest on "The View" on Wednesday! Maggie, if you're out there, I'll be watching! A -- Mary Gustafson

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