|THE BLACK LIST: YOU CAN'T LOOK DOWN BUT YOU'RE NO WORSE, SINGING MORE OF A LIFETIME.|
|By The Black Table|
This is our first Black List since we announced that The Black Table is retiring in jeez less than three weeks now, and let us assure you, we're even sadder than you are. (That is, uh, if you're sad. If you're not hey, fuck off, man!) We're going to do our absolute best to make these last couple of weeks kick-ass, or, at the very least, not physically painful.
But for now, we're still Black Listing, and if you gotta gotta gotta be heard, man, you better get 'em in soon. We've got 10 this week, as always, which means we have a total of 20 Black List items left to go, and man, that REALLY makes us sad. Jeez.
So use the form at the right before we really get depressed.
FALLING FOR A LESBIAN: I love lesbians. And I don't mean the "I love women so I must be a lesbian too!" love. I don't mean the "well, you just haven't met the right guy" love. And I certainly don't mean the "I'm gonna be the one to change her" love. I'm talkin' the fuck-you-up, can't-get-your-mind-off-her love. The kind that, no matter who you're on a date with, you know it's not right. The "I accept your past, future and everything else about you" love. Is this one of those "I only want what I cannot have" situations? Or maybe a fear of failure/fear of success cocktail? Jesus H., it's tough, whatever it is. Being in love: B+ When your best friend is a lesbian, and you can't talk to your best friend about it: fucking F -- 10lbhammer
MAXIMUM SECURITY CHECKING ACCOUNTS: Paying bills online is supposed to be easier than the whole buying stamp-and-writing checks thing. However, in the name of online security, financial and credit card companies have their quirky requirements stating that I need three letters followed by seven numbers and a peace sign to log in. The fine institution that is Bank of America just set up a new super secure online banking system in which I have to choose an icon and a username, to supplement my userID and passcode. Trying to access my checking account reminds me of that scene in Sexy Beast where the ex-con jackhammers underwater through the wall of a steam bath and gains access to a gold-filled vault. They ask me a litany of security questions such as, "On what aisle of your grocery store would you find iced tea mix?" and "A combination lock has three settings, each of which contains numbers from 0 to 9. How many different possible combinations exist on the lock?' Let me into my G.D. checking account! There's only a measly $10.23 in there! C -- Pjamma
GETTING AN ULTRASOUND: Having medical tests performed
on your body can be an interesting, if not exciting, experience. Recently, due to some, um, female troubles, I was sent in for an Ultrasound of my uterus. I realize that pregnant ladies get these all the time, and there really isn't any mystery to the process. Still, when they were squirting the warm goo on my belly (I'm not even a Porn Star!) and looking around, I was on the edge of my seat (well, as much as the stirrups would allow) to see what could be seen. Five minutes into the exam, the Doc whipped out some alien probe, which she informed me was for the internal exam. Internal Exam?? Up went the periscope, and there were my most intimate parts on the display screen. Learning about my body: A. Getting a surprise camera shoved up my Hoo-Ha: D -- Patti
COAL MINERS' SONS: Looking at the close-up pictures of the West Virginia miner's families, you can't help but identify with their humanity. But, it seems like that is the only thing we have in common. The camo hunting caps and jackets. The Fu Manchu's and two weeks of stubble. You just know they own a pick up truck with a "Rush is Right" sticker on it. There's a flag memorializing Dale Earnhardt flying in front of their house. I sit in my climate controlled office on my fat ass, looking at CNN.com and wondering how any one could live like that. They probably look at me and wonder if a day's labor would outright kill me. But it doesn't matter. Don't we all want the same things? Dignity, security, family, some fun at the end of the day? Whether we carry a Blackberry or a lunchbox to work. Whether we drink Red Bull with Stoli at happy hour or straight up on the way to the graveyard shift. We want the same things and are, really deep down, all the same. The next time you get annoyed that the pizza delivery guy is late, remember that there are a lot of people out there who work incredibly hard and come home bone tired and dirty, yet still lose ground every day. Even though we would never sit down and see eye to eye, we should at least see each other as brothers and sisters. I hate to sound like a Budweiser commercial; but different as we are, we are all needed and we all matter. We are a poorer nation for having lost those men and all the others that we don't always notice or even hear about, men and women: Salespeople killed in a car accidents, soldiers, police officers, spies, farmers, commercial fishermen. Their loss is profound. F -- Roy Felipe
LINDSAY LOHAN'S SNL INTERVIEW: Given all the whack jobs Lindsey Lohan could have listened to in the past year (Wilmer, anyone handing her car keys, Kimberly Stewart), she chose to take the advice of Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels -- likely the two smartest people she's encountered since, well, since meeting Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels on the "Mean Girls" set. For that she deserves a Herbie Love Bug full of praise and an A the size of Nicole Ritchie. Before you scoff, think about all the wise decisions you made and all the dumb ones you had the balls to own up to when you were 20. A -- Amanda
I DO NOT LOOK LIKE CONDOLEEZZA RICE: While at a friend's holiday party last month, another guest said I reminded her of U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. I guess my scrunchy face response made her clarify that she thought Rice "had a beautiful face and that I shared some of the same features." Um, OK, I don't think so. Then, yesterday I'm walking out of the restroom at work as another co-worker is coming in, and she stops me and goes, "This morning, I finally remembered who you remind me of!" "Who?" I asked. She says, "Condoleezza Rice!" AHHH!!! F -- A.L. Venable
SERVICE WITH A SMILE: The McDonalds in my area have posted signs at the drive-throughs and near the registers that say, and I quote, "Yeah, we take 'em." Below the text are a series of credit card and debit card logos. Okay, great, McDonald's takes plastic, very convenient, but have we really reached the point where this kind of forced phony street-cred seeking discourse is acceptable? "Yeah, we take 'em." Does McDonalds really want to re-enforce their slacker-employee image with this kind of thing? As the father of a six-year-old, I am federally mandated to buy at least one Happy Meal per week, making me a repeat customer, and I don't appreciate being spoken to, even with signage, in such a casual, mannerless way. I understand McDonalds is going for the hip, urban, young crowd with this campaign, but is anyone actually fooled into thinking this is anything other than a huge corporate behemoth and their overpaid ad agency making a ham-handed attempt to fake authenticity? Hey, if the signs were hand drawn, say, in blood, THAT would be authentic. The continuing decline of civility in modern society - F. Irresistible french fries that keep me coming back: A -- Dave Bittner
MR. NON-DETROITER DETROIT RESIDENT: You start your day saying things like "Word up to D-town", which is odd, because you're white ... and from Romeo. While most people support the city they live in, you proudly stand up for a city you've never come closer then five miles to. No one knows the guts it takes to live on the streets of a major city better than people who have told you stories about it. A lack of street credibility, a fear of gangs, calling Sterling Heights "Downtown", despite all these things, you proudly call the city of Detroit your home. So crack open a Bud Light Mr. Big City Bullshitter, because lying about being from a small town... would just be stupid. A -- Lindsey
CITIBANK'S PEDANTIC POLICIES: I got a check returned because it was dated 01/01/05. Yes. 01/01/05! I know, I know -- it was my mistake. But for fuck's sake it was on the first day of the year, and I put last year's date! I swear those Citibank weasels just like to screw with you. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard; it's pretty obvious I meant 2006 and that I wanted the check to be paid. But, no, they have to send it back, and now I get a nice late fee for my mothereffing visa bill. I'm sure the asshole M.B.A. banking VP that instituted that policy got a $500,000 raise for thinking it up. He/she should be taken out and shot. F -- kowgurl
STUPID HOLIDAY GIFTS: What am I gonna do with a t-shirt that says "Boycott Ashlee"? Where am I going to keep a white & brown towel that says "butt" on one side and "face" on the other? And when am going to use the corresponding "butt/face" soap? I don't even know if it's antibacterial. Stupid gag gifts that aren't really funny: C-. Realizing that my family thinks I'm someone who would enjoy stupid gag gifts that aren't really funny: D -- Matt
Each and every week, Black Table readers like you write the Black List and get absolutely nothing in return. Ain't that some shit.