back to the Black Table

If you are reading this column, I can only assume that you, like me, are an avid Craig's List junkie. What is it about Craig's List that has us all so obsessively clicking our refresh-buttons throughout the workday?

To be fair, on a few occasions, I have used Craig's List for actual services. I hired a "man with a van" one time to drag some furniture from my mom's house to my apartment. I found a roommate there. I bought a used treadmill. The site can actually be useful. But that cannot possibly justify the amount of times I look at that website throughout the day.

I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm looking for on there. I seriously doubt that any of us are actually expecting to see a post about ourselves on Missed Connections. I never write anything in the Open Forum, and yet I read it constantly, having no idea who these people are or what it is that is driving them to be there. Maybe it's the anonymous voyeurism that is so appealing. Or maybe I'm just bored and isolated in cubicle-hell all day, and Craig's List is the only thing that is constantly updated during an otherwise status quo day at work.

Also, Missed Connections is funny.

Call me shallow, but this week's Missed Connections was made for me. My fellow obsessed refresh-button clickers hit on some of my all-time favorite topics:

  1. Cheating on your significant other-Human nature or crime against humanity?
  2. Thong visibility -- Sexy or fashion faux pas?
  3. Handjobs/footjobs/blowjobs/rainbowing -- What are the relative merits of each?
  4. Online dating -- Are we naming names, or what?


Take A Letter, Maria… Address It to My Wife

My math ain't so hot, but at my last count, before giving up, there were at least 36 posts on the subject of cheating so far this week. It was a hot topic, alrighty, and it sure had the Missed Connections board fired up.

Those in favor of cheating: 18
Those against: 17

Plus, someone that dares to ask the eternal question "what if you travel back in time and blow yourself?"


She Had Dumps Like A Truck, Truck, Truck.

Shocking as this might be, some people like to catch a glimpse of the thong peeking out of the waistband of low-riding jeans.

And others don't.

So, what's a gal to do?

Since the group can't collectively agree upon the proper etiquette of thong wearing, I am going to take this opportunity to crown myself the Self-Proclaimed Queen of the Ass, and I'm going to lay down some basic ground rules once and for all. If we all govern our underwear choices by these laws, I think we'll have a kinder and gentler world. Let's just agree to disagree, and keep our heinies in our pants.

Queen of the Ass says:

  1. For the love of god, do not, for any reason, wear jeans that show your crack.
  2. If your thong is higher than the waistband of your pants when you are standing up, your underwear is clearly pulled up too high. Which is not just skanky, but clearly unsanitary.
  3. Sorry to the Invisible Thong poster, but those things are just wrong.

Of course, "Thongs- who cares?" Said it best.


Someday We'll Find it-The Rainbow Connection

One of my all-time favorite posts, regarding the ever-elusive rainbow says "I can get off on someone sticking something in my ass, and I can even get off on the getting pissed on…but Puking…that is just sick and wrong."

As for Foot Jobs…

Sir, clearly, we could all take a lesson from your girlfriend. Please have her people call my people. I obviously am wasting a lot of time that I could have been using to give footjobs. If I only knew how…

On the other hand, when it comes to the great "Hand Job vs. Blow Job Debate," no one can agree. I'll attempt to sum up this argument with some general truths posters stumbled across that we can all get behind:

  1. "a handjob from anyone besides one's self is bound to suck."
  2. "We'll all be dead soon enough, just go the distance all the time, all the time, all the time."
  3. "A handjob could be mindblowing if it has been several months since you've been touched…"

AMEN to that.


E-mail My Heart and Say Our Love Will Never Die.

Ah, -- the things you inspire people to do. "in defense of online dating" with the Keeper of the Week:

"The whole point of meeting someone over the net is that you can weed and pre-screen to your heart's content. If you want a girl with a thong showing to use a strap-on while rainbowing you…go for it-she's out there somewhere."

And if you disagree with that, flag me.


Amy Blair is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.