|WEEK IN CRAIG: HOW NOT TO BITE THE BIG ONE.|
|By Amy Blair||
I heard on the radio this morning that it has rained the last 13 out of 16 weekends in New York. So, rather than getting depressed about it, I thought I'd look to Craigslist this week for some alternative ideas for summer activities now that beaches, barbecues and Bud Lights are off the radar. I mean, there must be something to do in the city besides whining about the stormy weather. What better place than Craigslist is there to find it?
My mama always said that rainy days are a good opportunity to learn a new skill. With summer sucking the big one this year, I decided to first use Craigslist to learn how to, well, suck the big one. Go rainy day activities!
I watched an HBO special, Real Sex, and they had this lady on there
who gives b.j classes in your house. Oh my, my bf loved it. I tried things
out on him and heard him moan like I never had before.
Thanks to Craigslist, I now know the proper BJ technique for both circumcised and uncircumcised penises. This rainy summer ain't looking so bad after all!
My bf in colleged taught me this. It's prety nasty but basically an uncircumcized penis (UP) has this ring of skin around the head. Hold it by the base as you would a CP but when you put it in your mouth, slip your tongue into the skin and roll it around in there. That way you are licking the most sensitive part of his weiner and not just the protective casing. This is where the whole nasty UP cheese factor comes in. If he isn't cleaner than a homeless man or doesn't shower more than once a week, or is just having a particularly cheesy day, you may get a little snack with your BJ. And believe me it's gross. You can also get your finger wet and give it a little clean before you tongue dive in.
Cheese factor. Mmmm mmm good.
Anyway, having learned these new skills, I figured I would look to Craigslist for some ideas about what to do with my rainy summer nights. With rooftop margaritas out of the question, what better way is there to spend my summer evenings than hooking up with hottie New Zealanders?
Okay so here is what I propose.
How about we also let all the NY guys and girls who are posting these ads about us being cute know where we will be.
If you ARE a NZer and are into this idea, email me at the address
above and I will tell you which bar the NZer works at. We can meet there
tomorrow night. It is a cheap place and fairly divey, but fun.
If you are one of our, I guess, admirers then email me at the above address and I will let you know how many NZers are responding and tell you where the bar is so you can decide if it is worth your while to come and hang out. PUT 'FAN OF NZers' in the subject line.
Okay, well yeah..if this seems like a good idea to you, let's set it up.
No, cheers to you.
I was worried that this crappy weather was going to end all hope for those long-awaited summer flings. But, thankfully, according to this post, there's still a glimmer of hope for romance amidst all of this rain:
Man, I tell you, there's something so incredibly sexy to me when I see an attractive woman, beneath her umbrella, on a cool and rainy day. The water, the searing eyes looking out from under the umbrella...oh man. My mind falls to fantasy, and I imagine climbing into a warm cab with her and playing hooky for the day. Or from just a coy smile or steamy look in her eyes, perhaps without even a word spoken, she invites me into her building, leads me up the stairs, and keys us into her apartment where we have a drink and remove our wet clothing.
From all this talk of rain, I now need a cold shower.
Hey, but maybe blowjobs and New Zealanders don't float your boat for an alternative summer activity. If that's the case, there's always absinthe. Like Mama always said, if you can't have sandcastles and surfboards, at least there are liquid hallucinogens to chase those rainy day blues away:
Yeah, I drank some last year. It's quite easy to get in London (never made illegal in the UK!) and I brought the bottle with me to Amsterdam, where I split it with a friend. It was a weird drunk, very mellow and happy. No hallucinations. The hangover was pretty bad but then I drank HALF A BOTTLE. We rode out the hangover at the Van Gogh Museum, lol.
Oh and the taste is AWFUL unless you like licorice. You can mix it with Diet Coke if desperate.
You might want to checkout this site too:
Thanks to Craigslist, I'm not feeling so bad about spending yet another
weekend trapped indoors, or traipsing through puddles, lamenting the lack
of summer activities. This weekend I'm drinking some absinthe and blowing
a kiwi. Thank you, Craigslist. Here's to summer and makin' Mama proud!
Amy Blair is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.