back to the Black Table

I'm PMSy, undersexed, bloated and broke, and therefore, this week, I'm a brazen bitch with no remorse. I tried to drink myself stupid this weekend in an attempt to get myself into a better mood, but instead I just found myself in shitty places filled with shitty morons and wound up consequently barfing my guts up (instead of sexing my pants off) Sunday morning.

I'm in a bad mood. And, by some fucked-up menstrual logic that I'm not even going to bother to explain, I'm blaming it on men. All men are stupid. If you think you are innocent of my ire, you are wrong.

I will return to my regularly scheduled happiness in approximately five days. Until that time, all men can go suck a big dick.

There are several posts this week on Missed Connections that I think amply back up my hypothesis that all men are douche bags. I think that you will agree that this one is a prime example of what I'm talking about:

Why are Latin and Puerto Rican Women SOOOO HOT!!!!! - m4w

I am a good looking white guy and every morning and afternoon when I get on the subway...I see the most beautiful latin/spanish/PR women ....that dark, creamy skin, long black hair....full lips.... you girls are so friggin hot it kills me... never approach them because I don't know there thoughts on white guys...

My grammar, in general, is far from perfect, but the posts that manage to get my heart palpitating the most are the ones that send my base editorial instincts into a tailspin while simultaneously skyrocketing my blood pressure with their abject generalizations and downright stupid conclusions.

I mean, six ellipses in one post are enough to kill me. Alone. Combine that with the fact that he's bitching about "latin/spanish/PR women" being hot but that he is unable to approach them because he doesn't know their "thoughts on white guys," and I'm about ready to smash my computer and flee the country.

If you think that this is a small thing to get so angry about, you are wrong. And fuck you.

This woman's post provides another fine example of why men suck:

to the jerk at the crepes stand on w. 3rd this morning

oy. I was the brunette at 9:30 this morning with the white pants, black cardi, and sunglasses. here's a memo to you: make a lewd comment, and I'm going to flick you off. it's a reflex.
you do NOT then proceed to follow me down the street, calling me a tough girl and asking if I just flicked you off. yes. I did. so take what shreds are left of your dignity, turn the hell around, and walk away. you are fat, old, and very unfortunate-looking. do not hit on me. you aren't bloody qualified.

thank you. that is all.

Despite the fact that I disapprove of her use of the word "cardi," since when is it acceptable to make lewd comments towards a woman at 9:30 in the morning -- at a freaking crèpe stand of all places? I mean, the lewd comments are low enough … but before she's even had her coffee?! You just don't fuck with someone before noon, as far as I'm concerned. And then to follow her down the street, calling her names, like some big scary macho retard scuzzbag?

I've had my coffee. And it makes me want to flick someone off.

Then, there was this one:

blond girl in waiting room at columbia presperterian - m4w

you were very cute, but needed to smile. what ever you were waiting for, it couldnt be that bad. i just wanted to say hello, but you were so serious.

smile, life isnt that bad!

if you read this, email me - let me see if i can cheer you up.

Ok, first off, Earth To Reject, she needed to smile? She was in a hospital waiting room, and you think that she just needed to smile? What the hell is wrong with you? There is nothing that burns me up more than some jackass guy that I don't know walking up to me and telling me to "smile." Now, can you even imagine being in the waiting room at a hospital and having some pervy genius telling you to "smile" and that "life isn't that bad!"

Maybe I'm just living in bitch-town, but that really kills me.
Now, I know that this is going to make me sound like a super faggoty fag hag, but all I have to say is thank God for gay men. This past weekend was the Pride parade, and the Missed Connections that came out of that were about the only thing that made me smile this week. Like, this one, for example:

Pride Sunday, Friends' Tavern Float - m4m


Saw you on 52nd Street before you got on the parade route. You were standing on the float for Friends' Tavern. That float had the most outrageous/best costumes, but you stood out even in that crowd.

You were really cute: small, but built like a brick-shithouse. You had on high boots, a little bikini, and other accessories on your arms and I think around your neck. You were topped off with an incredible helmet/headress. The whole thing was in light blues and greens, with spangle-looking things, ostrich plumes, fins, etc. Sorta like a fish or merman thing going on there.

You looked fantastic, and you were just too adorable. I felt bad for you in that heat though; you must have been hotter than all Hell in that outfit. You looked a lot happier after you took off the helmet/headress.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you helped make my day. I can still remember your image on that float quite clearly in my mind. I'm just sorry I didn't have a camera. If you see this, drop me a line.

If anyone knows this guy, please let him know he has an admirer.

Wouldn't the world be such a better place if all men wore high boots, little bikinis and headdresses? Doesn't the idea just warm your heart? I stand by my thesis that if all men were gay, this world would be a much better place. Everyday would be like a big Pride parade, we would all wear ostrich plumes and everyone would be happy.

Now get me a cocktail, some Bon Bons and a Trading Spaces marathon on TLC. It's that time of the month.



Amy Blair is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.