back to the Black Table

My brother clearly must be at least mildly retarded. He just sent me the following email:


With interest rates so low right now, you should think about buying and maybe moving to the burbs.


I quickly typed up the following little response:


Listen, dickwad. I have $34 to my name. Go shove your house in the burbs up your big fat fucking ass, fuckface.


I then sat there for a few minutes, calmly enjoying some deep breaths and the relaxing sounds of drive-by shootings outside my window. I then peacefully backspaced through my email and re-wrote:


Yeah, maybe someday.



For the most part, my brother and I communicate via two topics of conversation: football and baseball. I'm pretty sure that in his eyes, I'm the brother that he never had. I'm not complaining -- I've learned that pretty much the entire spectrum of human emotions can be sufficiently deduced from these two topics.

For example, if my brother wrote and said:

You see Giambi's homer last night?

And I responded:

Whatever, he should have done that last week against Chicago…

…he could probably deduce that I was in a bad mood and that it would be best not to further push the line of questioning.

Alternately, if he wrote:

The Yanks just traded your man Ventura

…and I responded:

I know, who cares, hoorah! Goooooooooo Aaron Boone!

…he would probably be able to tell that I was unusually elated, unable to be brought down and had most likely recently had sex. Again, no need to further push the line of questioning.

Which brings me to my point that there really is no precedent for his recent obsession with my lack of desire to get married and buy a house. And why, you ask, has he suddenly changed his tune?


Which is precisely why, I have deduced, no one should ever get married. My brother and I spent 26 years cultivating the perfect sibling relationship based upon him body slamming me during WWF matches, tackling me during NFL games and ignoring me during the entire MLB season. Now, add one brand-spanking new wife into the picture and suddenly he HUGS me. And I don't like it one fucking bit.

Which is why it's very troubling to me that two of my best friends, Kristen and Andy, are getting married this weekend. And I just know it -- first they'll stop body slamming me, then they'll start using a joint email account … then, next thing you know they'll be sending me messages encouraging me to check out mortgage rates and to stop blowing all my money on vodka and cigarettes. Or to at least, like, open a savings account.

But hey, the wedding's not until Sunday. They still have all day Friday and Saturday to come to their senses and realize that there are plenty of reasons to stay single. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, as the saying goes. Being single is SERIOUSLY JUST FUCKING GREAT GUYS.


#1 Reason why Kristen should call off the wedding: She'll have to $uck him off…FOR FREE.

Curiou$$$ for some girl$$$ - 24

How much would it be for me to come over to your place in NYC or Jer$$$ey today and you to $uck it and let me fini$h on your face? Huge fantasy of mine and I'm willing to pay if the girl is hot enough, you name the price and I'll do it. Must be at your place and be under 27, any race. $end me pics and prices and let's get this going.

I'm a good looking 24 year old white guy. 6'2 with short brown hair, thin and toned and totally clean cut and D/D free. I've got a pic if youve got one too.

#2 Reason why Andy should call off the wedding: Kristen's never gonna do this.

Me, you and fido - w4m - 22

Get the hint. If you have a dog and want to meet a cute 22 year old white female tonight, email me leeting me know what it is that we can all do. Only serious men. It all has to be safe and in the name of kinky fun. I am 5'8" 120 pounds red long hair (to shoulders) and green eyes.

Umm, you wont have to interact with dog, just me. And please email me if you are serious

Despite the fact that being single is PURE BLISS, I have a feeling that they're going to go through with this thing on Sunday. I'll, of course, be trying to talk them out of it until that last possible moment, when I pen my name to their marriage certificate as their faithful Maid of Honor and witness. But if by chance I'm successful in my endeavor to put an end to this whole marriage nonsense, there's always craigslist to clean up the mess:

Wedding Dress - Brand NEW - Never Worn!!!

Beautiful Princess Style Wedding Dress -

Corset Top and Tulle Princess Bottom with beading detail- Size 6

Must See!
Great Deal - Best offer takes it!

Please email if you are interested - I will send a pic!

Anyway, wish me luck in bringing them to their senses. Of course, if I should fail, feel free to send your congratulations to I took the liberty of starting a joint email account for them. It was only a matter of time…

Oh, fuck it. They're the best couple I know. And, I'm thrilled for them. And, umm, Giambi's homer was AWESOME last night! And, yeah, umm, gooooooooooooooo Aaron Boone!


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Amy Blair is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.