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Dave Matthews can go suck a big cock.

As everyone knows, he played a free concert in Central Park this week, and, much to my shock and horror, thousands and thousands of people showed up.

Personally, I'd rather get fist-fucked by Ann Coulter than sit through a Dave Matthews concert. But that's just me.

Granted, I can certainly understand the appeal of the free concert in Central Park. I saw Paul Simon's free concert years ago, and it was amazing. Seriously, give me Bridge Over Troubled Water and a bunch of aging hippies any day over that Alpha Gamma Epsilon bullshit-ballad Crash Into Me.

Are any of these Dave Matthews fans aware that he actually made a video for that Everyday song in which a retarded man was walking through a town offering hugs to strangers? This was, seriously, the worst video to ever appear on MTV. How is it possible to continue to buy the albums of the man that made this video? How?

He also has commercials on TV right now for his new "solo" album, Some Devil. Have you seen these commercials? I swear to god, there's a song on there that goes "Save me, save me Mr. Waffle Man." I am scared of these commercials. In fact, I'm fairly certain that Some Devil is the work of Ol' Beelzebub himself -- I mean, who else could create something this fucking awful and then convince a bunch of people to buy it? It's Faust meets Animal House in the worst possible way.

Most frightening of all, however, is the fact that by about 9 a.m. on Thursday morning (the day after the concert), there were already a bunch of Missed Connections posted on craigslist from the concert. I have never been so glad that I decided to stay home on a Wednesday evening watching Court TV and eating Chinese food. The legions of white baseball-capped Rutgers grads swarming the streets of Manhattan might have been enough to finally put me over the edge. Nothing like back-to-back episodes of Forensic Files, Szechuan-style, to take your mind off of the burden of frat boys. Blech.

The DMB MC nightmare all began with this post:

Girl In Abercrombie Shirt At Dave Matthews Band - m4w - 23

This is to the girl in the Abercrombie Shirt at the Dave Matthews Show tonight

you know who you are,

if someone else who knows you sees this please forward it to her

First of all, can you be more vague? I mean, I wasn't there, but I can't imagine that there were any less than 50,000 women at that concert wearing Abercrombie shirts. That's like saying "to the girl on the subway wearing shoes" or "to the guy at the Dave Matthews concert wearing a braided leather belt." If you really want to find this lovely lady with the impeccable style, you're going to have to try harder than that, babykins.

Then there was this one:

We danced at DMB last night... - m4w - 22

We danced together at the end of the show and started talking right before the encores. You and your friend go to NYU and i made fun of you from being from Boston.

I wish i had gotten your number before I left but i needed to meet my friends.I doubt you will see this but email me if you do.

Ok. I really, really want to believe in the power of romance. I really do. I want to be able to believe that love can conquer all -- even dancing to a Dave Matthews encore. But I'm sorry -- I just can't get over that DMB hump. I'll take spinstahood 4-ever if it means never having to try to knock boots after a Dave Matthews concert. Word?

Same goes for this post -- how do you connect over a free Dave Matthews ticket to a free Dave Matthews concert? And, who the hell is willing to pay $20 for it?

MC with the girl I gave the dave mathews ticket to. - m4w - 26

You had blondish brown hair. I gave you a ticket to DMB accross the street from central park west 72nd st and you offered $20 even though you knew I would give you the ticket free. I was the asian guy with a denim jacket spikey messy hair. It was cool to see you so happy and join your friends who already had tickets. Hope you enjoyed the show, email me if you read this.

A quick Google search for "Dave Matthews lyrics" brought up some shining examples of his poetic genius:

Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
Slip into my lover's hands
Kiss me won't you kiss me now
And sleep I would inside your mouth
Don't be us too shy
For knowing it's no big surprise that I will wait for you I will wait for no one but you

And sleep I would inside your mouth??? For fuck's sake, this guy sucks. $20? If the world was a good place, you couldn't give tickets to his concert away if they were hidden inside a pizza box in Ethiopia.


Last one -- check out this little gem:


anyone know Heather?????@ DMB in VIP sect....i was rather smittened w/her

she was blond---camo pants----flip flops

This has nothing to do with how much Dave Matthews can go shit on a plate and eat it, but if I hear one more person say "camo" pants or "camo" jacket, I swear to god I'm going to pack my non-camo bags and go all Walden Pond and shit. People, for the record, "camo" is not OK.

Anyway, I have nothing more to say on the subject. Um, like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay me down.


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Amy Blair is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.