|WEEK IN CRAIG: YO RED SOX JACKASS!! YOU ARE AN IDIOT. LOVE, AMY.|
|By Amy Blair||
Wednesday's edition of the New York Post reported that pop tart Britney Spears had the audacity to dis New York Yankees Jason Giambi and Derek Jeter, immediately prompting me to burn my copy of Oops! I Did It Again, rip up my Slave 4 U T-shirt and decapitate my Britney doll.
Brit: We're so over. Go make out with Madonna or something.
I love the Yankees. And I'm well aware that there are one or two people out there who hate the Bronx Bombers. But there's nothing that I find more annoying than people who playa-hate on Yankees fans simply for loving their home team. We fans can't help it if our team spends more money on one player's salary than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays spend on their entire team. That's not for us to think about. We simply love our hometown heroes -- just like everyone else.
Why not be a Mets fan then, you ask? It's simple. When I was a little girl my father explained to me that "people from Queens and Connecticut are Mets fans."
Also, the Yankees win.
Now, I'm not usually the kind of Yankees fan to sit around making fun of Boston or their fans (dipshit accents), rubbing certain facts in their faces (26 World Series championships) or re-hashing old wounds (1918) but the Yankees lost Game 1 of the ALCS Wednesday night, and now Blair's fired up. All's fair in love and war.
Boston Red Sox: Go clean your helmets. They're not lucky. They just look like you were all rolling around in a pile of dog shit. Also, Grady Little sounds like a cow-fucking retard in press conferences. And for the record, shaving your heads as a team is the corniest thing I've ever seen. Especially when pretty boys Garciaparra and Damon refuse to play along.
Boston Red Sox fans: Go have a tea party, or something.
Britney Spears: Who the fuck disses Derek Jeter and Jason Giambi at a Manhattan restaurant? Go make a karaoke movie.
I'm heading into uncharted territory this week: Craigslist Boston. And I'm looking for a fight.
Why does this team constantly torment us? Why do they pretend they're good just to roll over and die in the playoffs? Why do they hit so well in the regular season, even breaking the slugging percentage record of the 1927 Yankees, and then bury their bats in the playoffs? Why do I come back to this team year after year even when I know they're just going to fuck me in the end? Being a Red Sox fan is not for the faint of heart.
Being fucked in the end by one of the Red Sox is about all that team might be good for, if you know what I mean. Although, the 'roid rage plus the inevitable inferiority complex of the BoSox probably wouldn't even make that worthwhile. Why you come back to this team year after year is a mystery. Find someone more interesting to fuck you in the end. Say, Britney Spears with a strap-on?
I cant believe I am doing this, but I cant get you out of my head, and I cant be at Whiskeys 24/7 seeking you out. I had dirty blonde hair and a black halter top on with matching skirt drinking a grape crush. You were looking business/casual, and instantly I wanted to get down to business/pleasure with you. You had on a white dress shirt slightly unbuttoned, short brown hair,5'10"-6', and I wished I could have been that Coors Light that you hand gripped in your hands.I was hooked when you kept shusshing people around you. You did it politely, but with a "Hey buddy! I'm not always this nice!" demeanor. You were with two other men, possibly co-workers, and you were glued to the big screen. And I swear our eyes met at least twice. I walked near you with the intention of kissing you on the cheek when the sox won, only to be caught in the mass of machismo that soon followed. (And if the porky lush in full Red Sox garb is reading this I hope you choke!!!) And before I knew it, you were gone...lost in a sea of victory, leaving me ashore in regret that I didnt make my move earlier...but I hope you resurface again
OK. This post is everything that I hate about Boston. The scene: A cheesedick Boston bar (or should I say "bah"). A blonde in a halter top drinking a vomitously awful combination of Chambord, Vodka and 7-Up scoping a disgruntled business-casual young buck enjoying The Silver Bullet. The blonde plans her move: She'll kiss Mr. Lite Beer as soon as he unglues his eyes from the game, only to be upstaged by a bunch of assholes drunk on watery beer slapping each other's asses and a fat girl in a Nomar jersey when the time comes.
Not one to give up, she quickly goes home and posts on Missed Connections. After all, she still wants to get down in a Business-Pleasurable way with this stud.
Cut to every other bar in Boston.
Note: Scene repeating itself with slight variations of characters (hair color more platinum than dirty blonde, tie unloosened rather than removed, girl drinking a Jolly Rancher instead of a Grape Crush, etc). No variation to theme. Christ, Boston sucks.
As I told the A's fans last week, DON'T YOU GUYS ANYTHING BETTER TO DO than posting crap in our forum? First of all, it's not like you guys just beat the best team ever, I don't know why you are so damn proud of YOURself.
If you really want to trash talk us in our city, don't take the pussy way and do it in an anonymous forum. I dare you come up here, it's not that far away. Let's see what happens if you try to trash talk us face to face. Even better, park your NY licensed plate car on Landsdown St and try to trash talk to any, I mean any, Red Sox fans and let's see what happens.
You want to know why Sox fans think Yankees suck? It's because most of you are just a bunch of overly cocky motherf*ckers and yet you don't even have the balls to trash talk like real men. Like I said, if you like to trash talk us in our city, come on right up. But if you are too pussy, then stay the hell away from our forum.
YO RED SOX JACKASS!! You are an idiot. Love, Amy
Now, I know all of the little baby Boston fans who read this are going to get all pissy and whiny. They're going to start yapping about salary caps and evil empires and yadda yadda yadda. I'm telling you right now, I don't want to hear it.
All I know is that I love my Yankees, we're the best, and Boston fans are a bunch of brats who really just need to accept the fact that they are a second-rate team. They always have been, they always will be. Accept it. Move on.
[Ed. Note: As a Sox fan, allow me to retort.]
Amy Blair is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.