|WEEK IN CRAIG: CMON PEOPLE NOW, SHINE ON YOUR HIPSTER.|
|By Amy Blair||
A new and disturbing trend has sprung up as of late in our great city: beating up hipsters for sport.
Sucker punching Williamsburg trendsters is the new Whack-A-Mole. It's cow-tipping for urbanites. It's blowing up mailboxes, but with less angst and more anger. If you're not spending your Saturday nights beating the crap out of the uber-skinny glamorati who hole up in hordes in the factories spotting the way between Bedford and Montrose, you're, like, so totally 1999.
Why have New York's less trendy masses suddenly risen up against the Puma'd army? I'm betting money it's because New York is currently experiencing a temporary lull in violent disasters. Until the next ferry crash, blackout or large-scale bombing, New Yorkers will have to make do with venting their emotions on the vintage Levi clad hips of Williamsburg's finest.
However, I'm here to say that it's time for the madness to end. As I have asserted time and again, I am a staunch peace-loving lefty. I listen to Bob Dylan. I've attended protests on one or two occasions. I'll even admit unashamedly that I voted for Nader. Twice.
I also happen to have one or two friends who are verifiably hip and who reside in the 'hood in question. And thus, I could never advocate violence against them.
My voice is tiny and insignificant and hardly loud enough to stop the violence against scraggly white people that has been plaguing the streets of Williamsburg for the past week. However, I would like to use this forum to propose some alternatives to the violence in hopes that if but one hipster injury is prevented, I will have done some good for the world. These alternatives might not be the best solution to the problem, but at least they are better than smashing someone over the head with a baseball bat. Am I wrong?
Fight the power.
excuse me if i don't shed a tear for every asshole wannabe living in williamsburg and wants to feel 'authentically urban' by telling about how hard life is in their little gentrified ghetto.
what the fuck do you expect to happen, when you take a poor working class neighborhood, force all the poor people out with insane rent increases, move in a billion fucking NYU kids, hipsters, and post-grads with their $80 "punk rock" outfits and boutiques... williamsburg makes me sick. i hope they do mug you. they should. you have comparitively affluent neighborhood filled with spoiled brats living right next to some of the most desparately poor people in the country. you kicked them out of their homes. you destroyed their neighborhood. you expect them to like you? FUCK YOU! as far as i'm concerned, it's about time that they took the law into their own hands and scared all you pathetic fucks right back out to the suburbs where you belong.
if you don't like it, then stand your ground and learn how to fight like everyone else. this IS brooklyn, for christ sakes. goddam pussies.
Alternative Solution to Taking The Law Into Your Own Hands and Scaring All the Pathetic Fucks Right Back Out to the Suburbs:
Putting funny signs on hipsters' backs when they pass you on the street. That worked in elementary school, and it would surely be a hit
now. When you see a hipster who makes you angry, why not stick an "I'm With Stupid" sign to their back? Or how about "Kick Me," or, my personal favorite, "I'm A Tard!"
No one will be hospitalized, and everyone, even hipsters themselves, will find it kinda funny. Who wouldn't?!
Random act of violence against innocent people: F
'HIPSTERS' are getting their asses kicked on the street?
I really don't care. If you can't take care of yourself, thats your problem.
I moved to the Southside when it really WAS dangerous in the early 80's. Funny, I've never been beat up or mugged, or even scared for any reason.
And I'm a girl!
That's what separates us Native New Yorkers from the rest of you..
be very carefull.... somebody might hurt you OR COME UP BEHIND YOU
... BOO.~! hhahahah~!!
Alternative Solution to Coming Up Behind Hipsters And Victimizing Them Simply Because They Look Like Victims:
Silently judging. This is my personal favorite method of scorn. Plus, no one gets his head bashed in. When you see a hipster in a particularly hip outfit, simply close your eyes, nod your head, and think "good god that's a hip and stupid outfit. The person wearing THAT must be realllllllly dumb. Like, way dumber than me. I am, like, so glad that I'm not the idiot wearing that." It makes you feel better about yourself, and, like I said before, better than smashing someone over the head with a baseball bat. Down with violence!
Unnecessary Violence In An Already Violent World: F
Im glad more people are beating hipsters. It would be nice to get together some sort of gang specificaly to beat the shit out of hipsters and break up the gentrification in these areas. I don't care for arguing about it I just want to do it. I'm sick of seeing snob nosed, pompus, pricks raising the price of everything in my neighberhood.
Alternative Solution to Getting A Gang Together Specifically to Beat the Shit Out of Hipsters:
|Organizing a big game of Duck, Duck, Goose
-- hipsters versus native New Yorkers. When it's time to "goose"
a hipster, you "goose" them just a little too hard. Then someone
"accidentally" trips them as they run after you. Again, this worked
in elementary school. Plus, Duck, Duck, Goose is really, really fun.
Sullying Your Hands With The Blood of Hipsters: F
Alternately, what about saying a friendly "Hello!" the next time you see a hipster? That would probably serve the dual purposes of both freaking out the hipster in question AND making you feel like a splendid person on the inside.
Give peace a chance!
Amy Blair is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.