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I am so totally shitfaced right now.

Alcohol, as we all know, is god's truth serum. So, men of New York, I'm giving it to you straight this week. Drunk chicks don't lie. You wonder why you can't get a date on craigslist? Four words: Your personal ads suck.

Every gal who has posted an ad in the W4M section of craigslist can tell you that they have inevitably received at least 50 responses within the first 20 minutes of posting their ad. Conversely, any guy who has posted a M4W ad will tell you that they received maybe two responses -- if they were lucky. Usually one of them was from a 50-year-old bald dude masquerading as a 19-year-old Totally Hot Chick. The other was from a prostitute.

As a service to the Men Seeking Women of craigslist, I've picked out a couple of prime examples of sucky personal ads, and I'm going to let you know why they're sucky. Dudes, if you want to get laid, don't follow these examples. The ladies can smell a desperate moron with a computer from miles away.

Handsome, Charming, Successful WASP seeks "Total Package"

I know you are out there. You've thought about answering one of these ads, but something held you back. Perusing is fun ... responding is different. You're a smart, sophisticated, charming and very attractive 20 to early 30-something. You enjoy being feminine, hope that chivalry isn't totally dead and don't mind admitting you can be a tad high maintenance -- on occasion. You wear heels and skirts and love fashion, but you also have a brain. You have no trouble getting dates, but finding a man who captures your interest and keeps it hasn't happened in a while. Where is that guy who can be a challenge but also calls when he says he will? You're looking for the total package to sweep you off your feet, but just haven't found him yet. Well I've been looking for you too ... so let's stop passing each other on the street and speed things up. A very handsome, intelligent, successful, irreverently charming, funny All-American man is also seeking the "total package" that one day ... he just might possibly ... bring home to Mom.

OK, two points to this guy for actually trying. Negative three points for using the term "total package." It's cliché, it's corny and it's demanding. Lower your standards, get a life, and don't ever, ever, EVER use the phrase "that one day…he just might possibly…bring home to Mom."

I'm vomiting, right now just re-typing that sentence. And it's not even the alcohol causing that reaction.

Using the word "Mom" in a personal ad? Totally unsexy.

Seeking Snuggle Buddy - 33


Aren't you in the mood to have a snuggle partner tonight?

This weekend? Beyond? I know I am. I'm a warm, attractive guy looking for some warmth and some semi- innocent fun and affection. Not necessarily looking to take things very far. Please be sweet and cute, fun and like to smooch. Give it a shot, I don't bite.

Snuggle buddy? Snuggle buddy? SNUGGLE BUDDY? Honey, no no no no NO. Snuggle buddy = so not fucking OK. If you want a snuggle buddy, get a poodle. Yarf.


These balls were made for licking.
Lickings what they need.
Get that tongue a flickin
Then I'll sow your seed!

See you get a poet too!

Ok, this is funny. But you're totally not getting laid. Got it?

Are you a SBF who can fit into my social status? - 33

I know, go ahead and blast me for the title. But, it can be hard out there to find a woman, regardless of her skin color who can put on a gown and go to a stuffy UES gala ball. Or have dinner with clients and their wives.

I am a somewhat successful UES white guy looking for a great girl. You have to be able to speak well, carry on a conversation, have some sort of career or interests and most importantly, like me.

Aside from those times, I like a girl who likes to be at home in jeans, or walking in the park, or just hanging out talking somewhere.

If this fit you, then send me a picture and a say something. Anything, unless the picture speaks for itself.

This is the granddaddy of hurl-my-cookies ads. Just because you're honest about what you want, doesn't make it admirable. Any sane SBF would rather slit her wrists than date someone who is looking for someone solely based on their ability to fit in with the guy's "social status." You're gross.

Good luck finding that UES arm candy on craigslist, hon.

wife cheated on me - 37

wife cheated on complex to leave. So its my turn now. Good looking guy seeks attractive female. Best if you are attached also. This is true - serious only.

Pumpkin Pie, do I even need to tell you? This is not an attractive offer. Sure, many women will sleep with men on the rebound, who have recently been cheated on, who want a no-strings-attached one-night stand. I'm not saying that that's an impossible quest. But kiddo … no woman in her right mind is going to answer a personal ad seeking a woman to shit on and use to get back at some stranger's fucking wife. Sure, you can find this woman. But you're much more likely to find her among your wife's bitter friends. Or better yet, at the end of the bar on a lonely Saturday night.

Men of craigslist: Please don't take offense. Honestly, I'm just trying to be helpful. Oh, and, I may have mentioned, I'm drunk.


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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.