|WEEK IN CRAIG: WILL WORK FOR FOOD.|
|By Amy Blair||
My first job, when I was 10 years old, was delivering newspapers.
My cruel older brother had just started high school and joined the football team, so he could no longer do his full-time paper route after school. So we "split" it. I delivered on Monday through Friday, and he did the weekends and collected the money from his customers once a week. He paid me 10 bucks a week -- two dollars a day. I was 10. I had no idea I was being duped. Ten dollars seemed like big bucks to me.
It was the hardest job of my life. At age 10, I think that I weighed 60 pounds, soaking wet -- the newspapers weighed about, oh, 60,000. Everyday, I had to pick up the papers from my brother's friend Dennis. I would sit on my bike as he put the papers into the messenger bag attached to my handlebars. He kept adding them until the messenger bag was just heavy enough that I wouldn't tip over. Of course, I tipped over the handlebars many, many times; this was a delicate balancing operation, with perfect equilibrium only being reached with me sitting far back on my banana seat, wearing a 40-pound weight belt around my waist, while one foot balanced precariously on the pedal and the other dragged across the ground.
Christ my brother sucked.
At any rate, I've had many jobs since then, jobs that have blown, more or less, to varying degrees. But none of them required me to flip over the handlebars of my bike on a regular basis. None of them required that I walk the streets in the pouring rain, the snow, the wind, desperately trying to figure out new methods to keep the papers dry and always failing. And none of them paid me $10 a week.
Finding a job that doesn't completely suck ass is a tough chore, especially in today's shit filet job market. And, as it turns out, your faithful narrator is recently unemployed, and actively looking, kind of. Well, kids, let's see what craigslist has to offer. Amy needs income.
2 artists looking for cool people who can dress in their OWN FULL ANIMAL COSTUME to a certain huge event. We mean full animal head, body, and etc. THIS EVENT IS GOING TO BE full of hip, industry people that we need to have some fun with.If you want to take out that dusty $800 dollar jackpot for something OTHER THAN your last Highschool Football game...then Use it for what it was made for! Its easy. Its conceptual. meet other artists. EMAIL ASAP!!!!! oh yeah of course free alcohol, free food.........................free fun. IF YOU HAVE ANY LEADS TOWARDS PEOPLE WITH THESE TYPES OF SUITS PLS. EMAIL US ALSO!!
Ok, so I don't own a full animal costume. But I do think that it sounds enjoyable to prance around in a tiger costume with a room full of "hip, industry" people. Man, this sounds like a great job. If anyone out there happens to have a full animal costume that they wouldn't mind lending me, email me right away. I've always dreamed of working in a room full of cool artists in a giant, hot, sweaty, furry costume. This sounds like a fucking dream job.
Christ. Moving on.
Currently hiring one very open minded and honest woman, for upscale
You must meet the following criteria:
Email the following information:
No nudity and no sex? What the hell is the point? At any rate, I honestly think that I could do this one. I'm not blond. Or Asian. But I am a very large breast size woman. Plus, I'm totally "very nice spoken." $600-$1000 per week? My resume's in the mail.
I need somebody followed, must have car and camera, job would take no more than 1-3 days, completely non confrontational and safe. Ideally assignment would start Monday afternoon into late hours.
Eureka! This-THIS!-is the perfect job for yours truly. I freaking love spying, eavesdropping and generally being obnoxiously judgmental. I could spend the rest of my life following around random strangers, taking notes on their routines, making fun of what they do when they THINK that no one is following them. This would make me feel very, very good about myself. Unless, of course, they were like totally cool and had an awesome life that reminded me that I'm just a pathetic hack of a spy who found her totally awesome spy job on craigslist. And then my silent judgment wouldn't be any fun anymore, and I would feel, like, totally shitty for being such a bad person and then my delicate little world would just totally come crashing down.
Fuck it. I know what I would be good at...
Participants must be women of Caucasian or Hispanic background. We need women who suffer from severe PMS, as well as women who do not experience PMS to act as comparison subjects.
Women must not be taking birth control pills or prescription medications.
Compensation is offered at the completion of the study. Please call
OK, PMS? I've got this one in the bag. When it comes to PMS, I am so money.