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  WEEK IN CRAIG: THE HORROR, THE HOROSCOPES...  
  By Amy Blair    
12.12.03
 
   
 

After looking at Craigslist long enough, I'm beginning to become convinced that many of you are posting things simply to torture me. I know that's pretty paranoid-Vietnam-vet of me, but give me one goddamned other good reason why the hell else some of these ridiculously idiotic strings get started?

This week Missed Connections was all about astrology. And, I'm sorry, but that crap is the biggest bullshit racket. People who are really into it frighten me. Actually, they amuse me up to a certain point, and then they just freak me out. I mean, sure, reading your horoscope can be fun and all -- but when you start investing serious time and energy into this shit, it's time to check yourself in somewhere.

In summary, the new age nutjobs had a heyday this week.

Anyway, being the good sport that I am, to play along with this week's theme, I decided to check out my own astrological profile to see what all of the hoopla was about. A quick Google search turned up the following profile for yours truly:

Cancer, the fourth Sign of the Zodiac, is all about home. Those born under this Sign are 'roots' kinds of people and take great pleasure in the comforts of home and family. Cancers are maternal, domestic and love to nurture others. More than likely, their family will be large, too -- the more, the merrier! Cancers will certainly be merry if their home life is serene and harmonious. Traditions are upheld with great zest in a Cancer's household, since these folks prize family history and love communal activities. They also tend to be patriotic, waving the flag whenever possible. A Cancer's good memory is the basis for stories told around the dinner table, and don't be surprised if these folks get emotional about things to boot. Those born under this Sign wear their heart on their sleeve, which is just fine by them.

Yup, this pretty much sums me up in a nutshell -- a flag-waving, maternal, domestic goddess with a great memory. Rock on. Nothing could be more spot-on.

Now excuse me while I gag.

People, I am totally perplexed, to say the least, by how many of you out there really believe in astrology. If this week's posts on craigslist are any indication, there are a shitload of card-carrying members of the Psychic Friends Network out there. And kids, let me tell you, it's just plain frightening.

Astrology, much like unicorns and George Bush's foreign policy, is not something to be believed in. Sure, somebody out there thinks it's real and worthwhile -- but that doesn't make it OK. Or right.

Anyway, let's check in with what all the oovy-groovy astrology fruitcakes were yapping about on craigslist this week...

F#@KING SCORPIO A*@HOLE - 25

I am not one of those woman who is used to having her heart broken. To be quite honest I usually am the one walking away. I have always set the terms for every relationship. Then I met HIM. The Scorpio. The asshole whatever you want to call him. I have never felt such unbearable pain.

Where are you? Wrapped in her arms? Miss me? Do you cringe at the fucking lies you told? With your nose full of blow. SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO TRUST A FUCKING COKE HEAD!!!
FUCK you and your fucking lies. Your the dirt that stained my life.

This pure white snow cleanses but will I ever be rid of the scars. Piece of shit. JUST SO YOU KNOW!! **SIZE DOES MATTER** Just ask your replacement!!!

Call me a cynical realist...but honey, don't you think his lies and his cheating may have had just a *tad* more to do with the fact that he was a cokehead and that you are a psycho than the fact that he was born in November?

Earth to ding-dong. I mean, really.

But wait. Hold on to your seats...there's a...rebuttal.

We Scorpio men are the problem? - m4w

Someone who puts alot of faith into Astrology would then want to take the time to understand what they're getting into with a Scorpio male.

1. We rule the genitals. Big or not, they are ours and we know how to use them.

2. We are honest, brutally honest. Does that mean that we are honest with you? If it's
honestly none of your business then we will lie to you. It's none of your fucking business
anyway.

3. We can see through your bullshit. So I do coke, so your next fuck has a bigger dick. I probably left you because you don't enjoy "blow" on any level. I will get on my knees and lick your pussy like the princess that you are. I will put a big, big smile on your face. I will fuck you just the way you like any time, any place-BUT-I expect the same from time to time, so put that jabber trap to better use and learn how to give a fucking blow job. You won't talk so much shit with my balls on your chin.

4. And this is important, you can't really hope to break the Scorpio heart, he sees you coming way too soon and just buffers himself. The thing is, if you do get inside-you'll be there forever. Scorpios feel you forever.

What I find particularly creepy about this post is not that he says "You won't talk so much shit with my balls on your chin," (which, don't get me wrong, is really creepy), but the fact that I don't think that this is the Scorpio in question. It's just another random guy who read the original post, spazzed because he TOO is a dickwad, cokehead Scorpio, and he decided to write up this truly bizarre and extremely postal little counter-argument.

Dude, chill. It's not Scorpios ... it's you.

Moving on to the defense of Scorpios...who knew there could be so much to say on this topic?

Yawn.

in defense of scorpio men.... - w4m - 36

stop it!! I love them.. my best and truest loves were scorpios.. they are sweet, hot, passionate, chivalrous and excellent in bed..virgos and cancers come in second.. all the other pale in comparison.TO me, libras were the worst.. cold, jabbing fuck styles, skinny dicks and most likely to be (closeted)bi..I am a virgo/aries rising

Go cancers -- second place, baby. But really -- cold, jabbing fuck styles? Good lord. And what the fuck does "I am a virgo/aries rising" mean?

Wait...please don't email me to tell me. Really. I don't want to know.

Of course, we wouldn't want to leave out all of the other signs, would we? This is craigslist, afterall...

Forget Scorpio...what about us Pisces men?

Why are we such incredible lovers, yet so shy? Why do we want to have our cake and eat it too? Why is it impossible for us to live with a woman or without one?

Because you're a fucking freak.

Virgos are Amazing

Virgo ladies are truely special, loving, ambitious,intelligent and caring. I dated quite a few of them and I can tell you I have enjoyed myself everytime. Some people disapoint but for a sure bet, a virgo gal is the way.

A NOTE THOUGH.

Virgo are HIGH Maintence, especially about food and entertainment.
They need art and intellectual stimuli and lots of TLC. They avoid conflicts so they wont tell you something is wrong until its too late to do much about it.And they are really tough on themselves. But in my book they are worth every detial, every penny every effort.

Right. People into astrology are perfectly normal. Totally, and completely down to earth.

Yup.

Anyway, you heard the man, some may "disapoint," but for "a sure bet, a virgo gal is the way."

Trust this guy -- he's dated quite a few of them.

Fucking vomit.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to head out to my weekly Tarot reading. Hopefully I won't be abducted by aliens while I'm gone.

OoooooOOOOoooooooo, spooky.

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.