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  WEEK IN CRAIG: KINKED UP AND WHACKED OUT.  
  Amy Blair      
   
 

This week our ever-electrifying President delivered the State of the Union Address. Thankfully, I’m not much of a politico, and spent most of the speech cruising craigslist for kinky sex ads. I’m just that kind of upstanding citizen.

Right.

So, one of my favorite things about craigslist is the disturbing little window that it so often opens into other people’s freaky, fucked-up fantasies and turn-ons. Let’s not be coy... seeing what kind of messed up shit floats other people’s boats gives us all a certain amount of satisfaction, either by making you glad that other people are more kinked up and whacked out than you are, or by making you feel less lonely knowing that there’s someone else out there who shares your fucked up urges.

Me? I just think it’s kind of funny to read about what other people need to get their horns tooting. And, what constantly amazes me is the detail involved in so many of these desires that these posters are looking to have fulfilled.

See what I mean?

looking for man who knows herbal teas - w4m

do you know ayurveda or chinese herbals? I would like to have tea with you somewhere warm . Me ,I'm good looking .

What on earth is it about Chinese herbals that puts the cream in her tea? Call me crazy, but tea seems like about the most grandmotherly, least sexy substance I can imagine. But hey, to each her own...if this chickie needs tea to get her steeped, someone get her a cup and be thankful that she’s not asking you to poop on her face and call her President Bush.

pregnant? lactating? - m4w

What a major turn on this is. I would live to spend time with you, looking at you, holding you, admiring you, making you feel great! this doesn't have to be about sex- just a great time together. I am tall, handsome, respectful and genuinely intrigued by this!

Much like Chinese herbal teas, I have no idea what on earth about milking mothers could possibly turn this guy on. But, hey, at least he’s not just looking to have sex with a new momsie... afterall, he’s just genuinely intrigued!

And, you know, look at the bright side: at least he doesn’t want you to dress him up in bloomers, ride him like a horse, and call him John Ashcroft.

WOMEN WITH AN OFFICE AND AN ORIFACE - m4w

I am your office fantasy. I come to meet you dressed in a suit and overcoat as if we had a meeting scheduled. You close your office door and we "meet".

This can involve me pleasuring you with my hands and my mouth, and anything else that you are comfortable with. Reciprocation is not necessary.

We conclude our "meeting" and I leave you to enjoy the rest of your day more relaxed than you have ever been in your office.

Available this afternoon for your pleasure.

OK, well, at least here’s one I can kind of understand... this one’s hot. Moving on.

handsome smart young guy seeks good mother figure -
m4w - 18

i would really like a to meet a pretty, fit, healthy, sophisticated, intelligent, sensitive, mature woman in her 30's and up, preferably the classy Manhattan type who can be like a mother to me. What i need is a sweet, soft, tender, caring mom-type who would spend
time with me and provide me with plenty of love, attention, care and a generally warm, tender, intimate mom-son relationship; a woman who loves to hug, kiss and touch. We can go for drives, travel, see movies, go out to eat, enjoy the little world we have between each other. We can exchange massages and then cuddle up and watch a DVD. All i want is a real, soulful mom-figure who is very passionate
about motherhood and shows genuine warmth and concern. I am 18 years of age, a college freshman, and looking for direction from a beautiful, motherly, caring woman who I can depend on. I have a home already, unless you'd like to change that. A phone number would be nice, and any and all offers are appreciated...thanks a lot<<(I don't like sending pix 2 ppl i don't know, but a conversation
on the phone is great and then we can meet in a public place, like in Central Park on the weekend.

Congratulations, young poster. This is one of the most genuinely creepy ads I have ever seen on craigslist. And that’s saying a lot. The only way this could be any creepier would have been if you wanted her to change your diaper, give you a pacifier, and let you call her Mama Condoleezza.

Anyway, if anyone wants to email me to let me know if the pres said anything of importance, please feel free. In the meantime, I won’t hold my breath. Now, giddyup Mr. Ashcroft!

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.