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  WEEK IN CRAIG: SHOUT AT THE DEVIL.  
  Amy Blair      
   
 

I'm not getting laid tonight because I'm writing this fucking column.

And you know what else? I just spent the past two months without working, partying non-stop, and generally living like I was under the impression that I was a member of Motley Crue in 1983. Well, the party's over. I'm broke. And I've just taken a day job. Now I feel like Nikki Sixx, having overdosed one too many times and one morning suddenly waking up to realize that I'm shooting heroin between my toes because my veins are harder than ropes, Vince Neil's making a shitty attempt at a solo career without the band, and the kids just aren't listening to cock rock anymore. Game fucking over.

I know what you're thinking... pooooooooor Amy. She spent all her money and now she's broke and has to go to work again like every other miserable sap in this world. But you know what? That's bullshit. I don't want to work. I don't want to wake up at the crack of dawn, sit in front of a computer, just to come home, balance my checkbook, and come to the mournful realization that after the bills are paid, I can MAYBE afford a 6-pack of Bud Lite tall-boys and a loaf of bread.

I want to Shout at the Devil. I want the Looks That Kill. I want to be Too Fast For Love. Ughhh. Worst of all, as I may have mentioned, I'm not getting laid this evening because I'm sitting home writing this fucking column. Point is, my newfound sober reality has left me in a no-good, shit-for-brains, crap-ass mood. With that said, here are the most retarded craigslist posts of the week. Because, you know what? I'm in no mood to think about anything more abstract than that. So sue me.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Having to go to work sucks.

Onward to the retards.

Sexy Deaf Ladies seeking Sexy Girlfriends!! - ww4ww - 30

Hey girlfriends...

we are deaf ladies and very attractive people. Only slightly problem is that, we do have TOOO MANY male friends and not enough girlfriends. What about you? YOU: GIRLFRIENDS who have lot of MALE friends. who know how to have good time without hassle the competitive against other girls... who likes to dance? who likes to shop? who likes to talk about sex and life? likes to travel? wanna to learn new language? like SIGN LANGUAGE? we can teach you some if you like as long as you know how to have good time without being bitch.

we have GREAT SPOTS to meet girlfriends who know how to have FUN...and can bring their MALE friends to parties if you like.

by the way, we are MIDWEST GIRLS... how abt you? we have been living in this city alone about almost 2 yrs to build our lives on the path wherever we want to be. so, now, we are ready to go out to meet other ladies who similar like us... we do need new girlfriends.. (MAINLY, who has too many male friends)

I really do feel like an asshole for making fun of this ad. I know, I know, the person is deaf, and it's wrong, and all that. But fuck it. Life's a bitch. Learn how to write.

Are Black Guys Not The In Thing Anymore??? - m4w - 25

I looking for friendship a female to talk with to simulate my frozen mind during these times. Interested in meeting new and interesting women...

Christ, sometimes you craigslisters make it too damn easy. Simulate your frozen mind? No comment necessary.

SUPERBOWL PARTY ALL HOTT LADIES WELCOME - m4ww - 35

I AM THROWING A SUPERBOWL PARTY IN A SWEET IN A MIDTOWN HOTEL SWEET..... THERE WILL BE CATERED FOOD LIQUER,BEERS,420.ECT ECT.....THE PARTY STARTS AT 4PM AND WILL RUN WELL PAST THE FINAL SECONDS.....ALL HOTT WOMAN ARE INVITED..WE ARE SUPER COOLGUYS ....ANY WOMAN INTERESTED PLEASE E-MAIL ME ASAP FOR CONTACT INFO AS INVITES WILL BE LIMITED.

I don't know. I just don't know. Sometimes reading this shit just EXHAUSTS me. I mean, WHO THE FUCK WRITES THIS SHIT? WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM? I'm sitting here trying with all my might to imagine what was going through the mind of this dickwad when he wrote this, and you know what? I just can't. So, so many questions. I'm not here to be the spelling police, but, really, why on earth do you spell 'hot' with two T's? I mean, I can find it in my cold, dead heart to forgive you for the suite/sweet mix-up. But why, why dear god, must you spell 'hot' with two T's?

I'm depressed.

And then there's this...the icing on the fucking cake.

young straight-edge driven chick sks other drug-free driven friends - w4mw - 20

I have a lot of friends but frankly, I'm sick of partying with drugs and alcohol...I have no interest in substances...I like working out, focusing on school...career type stuff. I'm looking for more friends to eat health food with, talk about current events, and hollywood trash....shop. so if your idea of a good time is not smoking up and eating shit.... write me

This hurts Amy. It really does. All I want more than anything in the world right now is fifty miserable dollars to go blow on Jack Daniels and Camel Lights, while this little asshole sits around whining that everyone she knows is spending too much time partying with drugs and alcohol? Sister--what I wouldn't give for a bottle of Gordon's and a Valium. Some people will never know what they got 'til it's gone.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need something to simulate my frozen mind.

 

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.