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  Amy Blair    

This is a good week. Alex Rodriguez is coming to play for the Yankees. Fuck you, Florida Marlins and your whole cute little 2003 season. A-Rod's coming to the Bronx. Can I get a witness?

Now, before all of you start freaking out, take a deep breath and chill -- this column's not about baseball. Don't worry, it has already been pointed out to me on no less than 80,000 occasions that I am no "expert," and that I should shut the hell up when it comes to sports, and that I should never, ever write about the Yankees again, especially when I'm making fun of the poor, sad little Boston Red Sox. So calm yourselves, I'm not going to Rodriguez-taunt anyone. Plus, I know that there are some dorks out there who are all sensitive and shit about his million-trillion dollar salary, and the Yankees' fabulously excessive ability to pay it. So, peace. I'm not harping on it this week.

Instead, I'm dedicating this column to the next-best-thing to Alex Rodriguez getting traded to the Yanks…

I searched my brain -- what's the one thing that could possibly compete with A-Rod's trade to the Yankees? What's the one thing that could even dare to compare in excitement value? What's the one thing that could even come close to making me as thrilled as this trade?

That's right, kids. Cunnilingus!!!

Maybe you need this first - m4w

This male really loves cunnilingus. I just want to lay on my back and have you sit on my face while I get to taste, pleasure, lick and suck your pusssy and clit for as long as you keep cumming. I am in great shape and quite serious about the fact that I just want to orally pleasure you. You do not have to do nothing in return, but of course if you do, it will just heighten our experience together. I just love the taste and scent of a very wet pussy and want to pleasure you to many orgasms. So if you are not being orally pampered and attended to by your husband or lover, than feel free to contact me and I will fill the missing void. If you are wondering why I would even post such an ad, I will tell you if you write and ask me to explain my reasons. Otherwise, just write, lets meet and I promise to pleasure you for long periods of time. I only want to find one woman to pleasure and once we meet this ad will disappear.

Apparently having way too much time on my hands, I searched the craigslist personals section for words like "cunnilingus," "clit," "oral," and "have you sit on my face while I get to taste, pleasure, lick and suck your pussy." You wouldn't BELIEVE how many posts came up (and yes, sadly, pun intended).

My exhaustive and thorough research of the subject revealed that there was one common denominator in all of these muff-diving posts: these dudes just want to find a woman to give head to, expecting nothing in return. Unless of course if you do, like, maybe feel like giving them a LITTLE something in return…I dunno…like, say, a blowjob or something…well, that will just "heighten your experience together."

Lesson learned? Nothing's free, ladies. Not even bad oral from some retard on craigslist.

Oral Playmate Wanted in Manhattan - m4w - 40

40 yo MWM looking for an attractive woman in NYC who shares my passion for cunnilingus. Do you enjoy having a man's tongue between your legs? I will lick your pussy, breasts, & ass until you cum again & again. Are you stressed out or bored? I'll relax you with hours of kissing & cuddling, mutual masturbation, and sensuous oral service. I am patient, laid back, and I love to experiment. I'll do anything to give you pleasure in return for same. STATS: 5'9", 160lbs, blonde hair, green eyes, D/D free. Available any weekday morning or afternoon, all races are welcome and all mail will be answered. Busty, trimmed or shaved, and in Manhattan preferred. Long term relationship desired with the right woman.

So I'm reading through this thinking this is pretty standard stuff… passion for cunnilingus… cum again & again… sensuous oral service… give you pleasure in return for same… yadda, yadda, yadda… and then I get to the last line -- "Long term relationship desired with the right woman." Dude, what the fuck?? Who the hell posts an "Oral Playmate Wanted In Manhattan" ad that includes a plea for a long term relationship? Honey, quit masturbating to porn all day. People don't find girlfriends with freaking craigslist ads that include the words "busty, trimmed or shaved."

Can I just rest my tongue on your pussy and just keep it there - m4w

Would you spread and then let me place my tongue on your pussy and I promise not to move it, but just keep it there in place, prone for as long as you want me to. I wonder if you can just sit still or will you start to very slowly get lubricated and shortly thereafter start to rotate and gyrate to start feeling pleasure. If I do not move can you still get yourself off or will you want me to gradually start moving my tongue around your pussy to explore, pleasure and then tongue fuck you. Is this of interest to you. Let me know. My tongue is here and ready to try this.

Oh god. Sometimes these ads are just painful. OK. Consider this a general service announcement to the poor dumb ox who wrote this ad and any men who think that this sounds like a swell idea. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT DO THIS. For the record, no, she will not "start to rotate and gyrate to start feeling pleasure." More likely she'll ask you what the fuck's wrong with you, or start knitting a scarf, or call her sister in Nebraska. Dumbass.

Looking for my lost pussy - m4w

Have you got a pussy that may have strayed? I'm very fond of pussy and can take great care of it. If you have this pussy, please bring it back to me for a good licking. I can go for hours and would love to hear your kitty purr. Hopefully you've kept it ready for me because I really would love to make you purr and hear your meows :). Look forwarding to hearing from you, thanks.

I bet this dude got a shitload of responses.

still looking to eat you out - m4w - 23

Ok ladies this is totally for real I have off work today and tomorow and I want to eat pussy, I ask for nothing in return I just get off on hearing you moan, email me for details

Wait, this is strange… shitloads of women aren't responding to these ads?

this is nuts no one wants me to eat them out - m4w - 23

I don't understand, all I'm looking to do is make you feel good, still waiting to eat your pussy till you can't take it anymore

Man, this really IS nuts. I can't believe more women aren't writing him. And here I thought women would be begging for the chance to have some fifty-year old computer programmer who sits around in his boxers eating saltines and looking at internet porn all day come to their apartment to eat them out, when OBVIOUSLY he wants nothing in return. Sounds like a sweet deal.

Why aren't more of you hot and horny young craigslist chicks jumping at the opportunity? Oh wait, I know. You craigslisters are just a bunch of cockteases and prudes. Otherwise these no-strings- attached cunnilingus ads would be flying off the shelves. Totally. That's it.

A word of advice to the men of craigslist who are under the impression that any woman (hookers aside) will ever respond to one of these ads: get off of your computers and go outside. Leave your apartments. The world is a nice place.


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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.