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  WEEK IN CRAIG: SAVE CAP'N CRUNCH FROM THE SOGGIES.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

So. Who likes themselves some Cap'n Crunch?

Little known fact about yours truly: I am personally responsible for saving the life of the one and only Cap'n Crunch himself. That's right folks -- if you enjoy eating a little Peanut Butter Crunch now and again, you have none other than me to thank. Hold your applause. Now, I don't mean to brag, but seriously, having saved Cap'n Crunch is quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever done. Let me take you back. In the fabled year of 1985, I was dangerously obsessed with Saturday morning cartoons and sugar cereals. I spent long morning hours of my childhood transfixed by episode after episode of The Snorks, Muppet Babies and Real Ghostbusters. I'm not proud. I just tell it like it is.

Anyway. Picture it: The summer of '85. All summer long, during the Saturday morning cartoons, a series of commercials played out documenting the kidnapping of Cap'n Crunch by the Soggies. The evil Soggies were holding our faithful hero captive, and the only way to free him -- thus keeping that wonderful sugary goodness known as Cap'n Crunch on the market -- was to watch 7 hours of cartoons every Saturday for three months straight, eat box after box of the aforementioned cereal, make long-distance phone calls for clues to the mystery and, most important, remain steadfast in your resolve to SAVE CAP'N CRUNCH FROM THE SOGGIES.

I was just the kid for such a task. I was a warrior. I was determined to get the Cap'n back from those evil soggy berries. I would save the Cap'n.

And, that's right-the Cap'n I did save.

I had my name announced on the Saturday morning cartoons and I won a hundred bucks -- an extraordinary amount of money to a kid -- with which I bought a brand new, double-cassette, pink boombox. It was the freshest thing since sliced bread. I ruled.

Even better, my legacy lives out on the Cap'n Crunch website. In the frequently asked questions section, the first question reads "What ever happened to the Soggies?" The answer: Sylvester, Snyder, and Squish (aka the Sogmaster) were once the archenemies of Crunch. Their soggy brains couldn't stand to see the Capn's crunchy, sweet cereal adored by millions so they tried to destroy it forever. After many years, they finally got bored of losing to Cap'n Crunch and have now found honest jobs for themselves as quality control testers at the AFCO Sponge Company.

Wait, wait -- awww, snap. That's right…they got bored of losing to Cap'n Crunch…and Amy Blair. Sorry, SUCKAS.

Point is -- on occasion, people have attempted to argue with me that it was just dumb luck that I won the damn contest. Uhhhhh, no. It was hard work, skill and determination that won me that contest. Ain't no such thing as luck.

Now onto Missed Connections -- where posters expect that luck and luck alone is what's going to help them to, well, get lucky.

 
   

Having no luck at the bars....will i have any here? - 30

I'm not sure where I should be going to meet a nice, cute girl. The ones in the bars always seem to be nothing but drama and the ones that do seem to have some potential ruin it by wanting to go outside and grab a smoke.

All I'm asking for is someone sweet and interesting that smiles alot! If you're out there and I just haven't found you yet, find me!

ps been told im VERY cute so that's not the reason I'm having trouble...

   
 

 

OK, let me get this straight. You've been going out to the bars, mercilessly hitting on every poor woman in there who just wants to have a drink and not be annoyed by some douchebag who's looking for a nice, cute, smiley girl with no issues, who doesn't smoke and generally will have no discernible personality traits beyond her casual adorableness? Honey -- it's not your luck that's sour. What you're looking for is a puppy, not a woman. Change your expectations, and maybe your "luck" will change, too.

 

 
   

My beginner's luck is running out - 41

I started doing the Craigslist thing about five weeks ago. I didn't know what to expect. I put up a post, got a few responses. Then tried again, got a few different responses. Seemed modest. A few first meetings resulted.

Since then I've been putting up posts with fewer and fewer replies. I guess I had beginner's luck. But I'm still single, still available, still good-looking, still fun, and still looking for a date.

Thus, here I go again...

If you can relate, let's commiserate, and maybe talk so we can both have that first date...?

   
 

 

Buddy, the fact that you're getting no responses from women anymore has nothing to do with your beginner's luck running out. Here's a shocker: Your ad is just plain dumb. Nobody's going to respond to it. You will not get any dates out of it. Move on.

 

 
   

An Afternoon Fuck Budy! 420, hung, hot, fun! - m4w - 33

i am looking for an afernoon fuck buddy! i am at home and don't go to work until 6pm....

and i am just waaaay to fucking horny to let it go to waste. you wil be one lucky woman if you decide to do this. i am an amazing fuck with a great body and some tantric styles you're gonna love. if yo're cute and sweeet, i will lick you..otherwise we'll just see how many other positions we can get you into for the fuck of a lifetime. i have strength, endurance and a box of Magnum condoms. yes, it's big and long and full of fun!

you are a cute brunette girl, in good shape, sexy, clean and safe and willing to have a few orgasms in the name of Craigslist's everywhee!

serious inquiries only

   
 

 

Yes, whomever answers this ad will be one lucky woman indeed, I bet. Yup. A lucky, lucky woman. In the name of Craigslist's everywhee!

 

 
   

Being single is not so bad, but..... - 29

So many people I meet - men and women - are unhappy that they're single. I don't need a woman to be happy. There's enough going on in my life to keep me happy. But while I'm not disgruntled, I would love to meet a cool woman to round out my life. I date quite a bit but currently there is no one that I want to settle down with. I have a habit of meeting women in the wrong places (read: bars) so I thought I'd try the online route.

So if you're also happy, are down to earth, low maintenance, friendly, easy on the eyes and intelligent, I'd like to hear from you. I'm in my late 20s but I have dated women older and younger than me.

Good luck.

   
 

 

I love how this dude says "Good luck" at the end of his personal ad. Good luck, what? Meeting a online Adonis like yourself? Err, a little vain, aren't ya? Here's a tip: Good luck meeting a chick who is going to answer an ad ending with "good luck." If women wanted self-obsessed dorks, they don't need to waste time answering craigslist ads to find them. There's plenty of other places (read: bars) for that crap. But, hey -- good luck!

 

 
   

Sexy, Well Built Guy new to NYC Looking for sexy NY Women - 27

Hey Ladies,

Im a 27 year old Scorpio male that is new to NYC and is having very little luck meeting Tight, attractive women that have class and style. I am 6'2" and muscular with Blue Eyes and brown hair and work in Investments. Spend much of my time in the gym or in clubs on the weekends, but as of yet have not met anyone that I would consider seeing more than once. Im looking for a girl that is like myself, Knows how to dress, Works out religiously and has a tight body. If you don't work out religiously and watch your diet, then please dont email me, looking for fit chicks only, no couch potatoes or Cellulite Queens!!Send me a picture and we'll see what happens.

   
 

 

Oh my good god, man. You wonder why you're having "very little luck" meeting women? Wait -- really? You have no idea what the problem is? Are you fucking retarded??? There are plenty of "tight," classy, stylish women in this city. But I will guarantee you that not a single one of them is going to answer a craigslist ad from an egomaniac meathead jackass like yourself.

 
   

sbf wondering if it's possible to find a good man

I'm looking to share a laugh (or two) with a nice guy, someone who gives careful consideration to the feelings of others. I may be naïve, trying to find such a man on Craig's list. I mean, aren't all the good men out with their women right now?

What the hell, maybe I'll win the lotto and find a great, romantic guy. Oh yeah, I shoulda mentioned this earlier, I'm not looking for casual sex. For those of you who are, there are plenty of other girls who are up for that. Continue the hunt with another posting. Good luck!

What do I want? What does anyone want? Sweet, smart, funny, taller than me etc. I'm 5'6 if you add a quarter of an inch.

I should probably say some things about myself at this point. Here are the basics: I'm Black, 29, and nervous as hell about finding a guy online. What else? I can't get inside your head if I'm not yet sure you exist.

This is crazy. Write me if you have any interest in the tiny bit of information I've typed today.

Any race is fine. Your pic gets mine.

   
 

 

Ahhh, the good old Great Guy Lotto. It's so something my mom would say, it's almost cute.

Anyway, next time you're at the AFCO Sponge Company, send my regards to my old friends Sylvester, Snyder and Squish (aka the Sogmaster)…and to all you craigslisters lookin' for love in all the wrong places -- good luck!

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.