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  WEEK IN CRAIG: NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

I like getting something for nothing as much as the next girl. And since my excessively idiotic handling of my finances leaves me in a constant state of bounced checks, negative balances and unpaid debts to foolishly sympathetic friends, I'm always just thrilled to pieces when the big guy upstairs smiles down on me and sends me a little something for free.

So this week, with my pocketbook even more pathetically drained and disarrayed than usual, I decided to head into the For Free section on craigslist to see if I could rustle myself up some of the bargains I like best: those ever-popular 100% off sales.

Of course, as the saying goes, there's no such thing as a free lunch. And this is craigslist … not only is lunch not free, but lunch is a pile of steaming horseshit. And, to add insult to injury, you've got to pay a Man With A Van to go pick it up.

Bon Appetit, craigslist! Don't kid yourselves -- nothing in life is free.

Giving away free stuff

Just trying to unclutter my tiny New York City apartment. Here's what I'm giving away:

1. a Deep See purple colored snorkel (used only twice), no mask attached
2. a pair of men's dark sunglasses, no brand
3. silver colored silk-like fabric wallet with an oriental landscape scene on it
4. a Selena CD, not sure which one, but has the songs I can Fall In Love and Dreaming of You and others

Pick up in Manhattan near Union Square.

What do you get when you cross a purple snorkel, some K-Mart sunglasses, a faux silk Oriental wallet, and a Selena CD?

A bunch of crap, that's what you get.

That, or an underwater drag queen from Arkansas. (Same thing, really.)

Who on earth took the time to bother posting this ad? Why did they think that ANYONE would want to take time out of their day to go pick up this junk? I mean, I know that one man's trash is another man's treasure and all that -- but lady, come on. Throw this shit in the garbage. There's probably a homeless dude out there who would love to find a pair of dark sunglasses when he's rummaging through your garbage cans tonight. Homeless people need shades, too.

Free To Good Home.

For the past 20 years I have recorded EVERY television commercial on CBS, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. From Sony to Salad Shooter from Pontiac to Prego, I've captured them all!

Each day at midnight I let a tape record for 6 hours, insert a new tape for recording, and repeat twice more. After that, on my other VCR's I edit out all the shows, which yields roughly 6 hours and 24 minutes of commercials daily. I now have 46,720 hours of commercials stored on 7,787 VHS tapes.

But I have grown old and weary and would like to leave this legacy of tapes to someone with an equal passion for television commercials who wants to continue the work. Please write to me and let me know why my collection would mean the world to you. Be very specific! The person who shows me the greatest interest will carry on the project.

Regards,
Paul

Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Earth to Paul, come in Paul.

You have spent the last TWENTY years recording and editing EVERY SINGLE commercial that appeared on CBS? Why CBS? Why not NBC? And, really, TWENTY years?!

Good god, man. When your life starts to resemble the plot of a French existential play, it's time to step outside. No, I mean it. Literally. Go outside.

But hey, who am I to judge? If anyone wants to carry on Paul's "legacy," these 7,787 tapes are free for the taking. Good luck fitting those into your studio apartments, craigslisters.

NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER FREE

I have two six packs of Old Milwaukee Non-Alcoholic beer. I bought them thinking they were alcoholic and realized when it was too late. Don't pass up this opportunity!

First come, first serve.

Wait -- Old Milwaukee makes Non-Alcoholic beer? Who knew?

I digress. The real question remains: Who on earth wants two six-packs of Non-Alcoholic beer? I mean, I know some people have to live their lives in the sad wasteland that is sobriety. And some of those people (masochists that they are) like to kick back in front of the tube with a nice, refreshing O'Doul's now and again. But, I'm sorry, getting two free six-packs of Fun-Free beer is hardly worthy of the phrase "Don't pass up this opportunity!"

Call me crazy, but I just really like alcohol in my Old Mil. If I'm not going to at least get a buzz, I'd rather just have a Cherry Coke, or something.

Organic Compost

I'll save my organic compost for you.

And voila! -- the homerun of the Free section on craigslist … a poster who is actually giving away a pile of shit. Yes, folks, that's right. A free, ripe, organic, pile of shit.

God, I love this website.

 

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.