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  Amy Blair    

You know what I find really intolerable? "Artists." Artists are, like, the most annoying people on earth. Especially those self-righteous, Look At Me, I'm The Greatest, I Live For My Art, Art Is My Food, I'd Die If Not For Art, types. Yadda fucking yadda.

When I encounter one of those, I just want to shove a bad painting down their skinny, ugly little faces.

That's not to say that I'm not an admirer of art … it's just to say that I can't stand those bratty little "artists" with a capital A, who take themselves way too seriously and think the whole fucking world owes them something.

Thankfully, craigslist has an entire section devoted to les artistes and their attempts to hock their crafts and services.

I have to say … people attempting to find their big artistic breaks on craigslist are almost as funny as people looking for sex on craigslist. The only real difference, I find, is that the people looking for sex are a hell of a lot less self-righteous about it.

Fucking artists.

ATTENTION: To those in need of an artist

How many complaints do you have to read in order for you people to understand, that we find it an insult, when we see Compensation: $30-$75. For most of us, Art is not a hobby. It is our way of making a living. How are we suppose to make a living when someone wants a realistic drawing For $40-$50. Do you even know how much time and effort it takes to draw a realistic drawing? Not only that, do you know how much money we have to spend on art supplies? A Drawing Pencil along cost a little over $4. So basically The money we spend will be more then what we earned. $40-$50 doesn't even pay half of my electricity bill or my gas bill. Money doesn't come out of our ears you know. So before you put up an ad on craiglist make sure you can afford whatever you need. If you can only afford to pay $30-$75 then you either get nothing or a simple stick man. One circle for the head, five lines , one curved line and two dots. Maybe you should do some research. I recommend that you read, 10th Edition Hand Book Pricing & Ethical Guidelines. It's in the art section at Barnes and Nobles and has bright multi-color cover. You can't miss it.

ATTENTION: Artist Douchebags

If you are lucky enough to have someone contact you over craigslist and tell you that they will pay you $40-50 to do a "realistic drawing," here's a hint: Take the fucking money and shut up about it. Ok, so that's not enough money to cover your entire digital cable bill, or whatever. But dude, all you have to do is a simple sketch of a fruit bowl, or some moron's fiancé.

Honey, if you were Picasso, you wouldn't be answering ads on craigslist. I know that. You know that.

Be thankful you can even get $40 or $50. Take the money and quit whining, you simple stick man idiot.

Want to make your movie? Do you have $20,000. I can do it.

I am an experienced producer/director...

You have a movie to make? You have $20,000.00

I can help produce and even direct but most importantly complete your film with $20,000.00 I can even write you a script if you need one.

Most people think it's impossible but I have done it. I just completed a feature film of my own. Produced and directed. Looks great.

Uh, Ok! I've got $20,000, and I've, like, so totally always wanted to make a movie! I've got a really good idea, I just don't know how to direct or produce it, and I'm like a totally really bad screenwriter!

It's such a dilemma, wanting to make a movie, and having no idea what to do about it since I have no skills myself! Thankfully, I've got $20,000 burning a hole in my pocket, and I found this ad on craigslist which fits all of my needs! Let me email this guy right away and send him that $20,000 check in a jif!


BDSM Filming Opportunity!

Looking to forge creative partnership with DV camera person interested in filming femme domme scenes at renowned BDSM studio and medical facility. Must have your own camera, lighting kit is on hand.

Respond only if you are experienced in the scene, I am not going to educate the uninitiated or sate the curiosity of those intrigued. I am looking for someone like-minded to film artistic, stylized, fetishistic vignettes featuring graphic acts of sado-masochism.

This is to be a creative partnership, so there is no pay involved. If you have a confirmed interest in BDSM this is a rare opportunity to film at an fabulous location (7 fully equipt and lavishly decorated rooms) which in turn may be made available for your personal projects.

Still photographers may also apply.
Provide links to your site if available.
*The curious need not apply!!*

This ad should read "Do you want to go to some freak's gimp-hole basement in Queens and film an amateur porn on your camcorder?"

Stylized, fetishistic vignettes my ass.

P.S. … BDSM studio and medical facility?? God, that's fucked up.

Looking for a Artist

I am looking for an artist who wants to create a logo for my company. Its a brand new company. I am looking for a person who wants to do this for free.
I need some who wants to do this for the love of drawing and creating. If things work out I can maybe talk to some other people in the industry to see if they want a logo created as well. I am in the horese racing business. I own a few race horses. It is harness racing. It is the type of horse racing where the jockey sits on the sulky (the little cart in the back). I have some ideas but I am a terrible drawer. I really could use the help of an expert.

Please Help!!

I heart this ad. How happy does this make you? "I am in the horese racing business. I own a few race horses. It is harness racing. It is the type of horse racing where the jockey sits on the sulky (the little cart in the back). I have some ideas but I am a terrible drawer."

God, that makes a girl smile.

At any rate, if anyone wants to do some pro bono graphic design work for Tony Soprano, answer this ad. I bet it's, like, a totally legit business. And doing this work for free will make you, like, such a good person.

Male Sailors Wanted to Model - This Weekend

Wanted: Sailors in for Fleet Week wanted as Models for artist in Battery Park. Please be fit, and have contact info and when available, desired pay.

Ahh, at long last, a good reason to use the artists section on craigslist. Why the hell didn't I think of this first? For the record, this may not have been my idea originally, but if there are any sailors out there who would like to model for me this weekend, I'm totally an artist. Now please come to my house and let me take pictures of you.

God bless Fleet Week. And God bless art!


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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.