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  Amy Blair    

What's the only thing better than drinking a bottle of good champagne and then having sex with Colin Farrell on a roller coaster?


Nothing is better than sex with Colin Farrell on a roller coaster! Or in a thorn bush, for that matter. But I digress. A close second is celebrating your 27th birthday. OK, that is also a joke. Nothing is worse than going to bed one night and you're 21, your tits are super duper perky, you're totally convinced that the world is full of possibility, and you can stay up past 2 a.m. on a regular basis -- then waking up the next morning and realizing it's your 27th birthday and you can't remember where you left your hemorrhoid medicine.

Today is my birthday, and all I keep thinking is that I'm old! I'm fucking old! And I know that anyone who reads this who is over 27 wants me to shut the hell up and quit my young-ass whining … but I don't care. I don't want to be 27. I don't want my hair to turn grey. I don't want my ass to expand exponentially with each passing year. And I definitely don't want to have to start wearing my boobs as a belt.

At any rate, in a blatantly narcissistic shout-out to ME!, this week you get a rundown of the best ways to celebrate a birthday on craigslist.

Now fuck you, everyone -- Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sexy Young Normal Couple Looking for B/F's Dream Birthday Present - mw4w - 24

I'm 24 and he will be 30 this Sunday...We have been with another women before and it was spectacular...It was 3hrs of uphoria.

I'm 24, blonde and from what I hear extremely sexy. 5'4 and 120lbs. A lot of people tell me that I look like Anna Kornikova.

He is sexy (i think so). Dont laugh but some say he looks like Nick

Anyway, we live in a beautiful doorman building in the east 20's and are looking for an incredibly sexy women to fufill this wonderful night.

No freaks, or drugs....we will only respond e-mails with pictures. At that time if we like, we will send you a picture of us.


Young Hot couple

She's a dead ringer for Anna Kournikova; he's spot-on for Nick Lachey. They've got enough dough to afford a doorman building in the East 20s, and they are advertising on craigslist for a birthday threesome because the last time they boned a chick together it was three hours of pure "uphoria?" Is it just me, or is something not adding up in this picture?

How much do you want to bet that if you actually answered this ad in search of hot times in Gramercy with the svelte Russian tennis star and the Abercrombie-perfect pop star, you'd most likely arrive to find yourself in the Hot Den O' Sin of a couple of Archie Bunker and Linda Tripp look-alikes in bondage gear.

And that, my friends, sounds like some serious "uphoria" to me.

Come celebrate!!! - w4mw

It's my birthday tomorrow and I would like to celebrate with everybody!
So if you are interested in having a few drinks and meeting fun new people then drop me a line and I'll provide you with the location information.

Midgets are encouraged to attend!!!

I love it when you're scanning over a perfectly boring craigslist ad … I have no friends … nothing to do for my birthday … someone please hang out with me … blah blah blah…

…When suddenly … Boom! … Midgets are encouraged to attend!!!

And suddenly, all is right in the world again.

It's My Birthday - m4w - 30

Today is my birthday and I took the day off to hang out. I would love a female to come over and keep me company and give me a special birthday gift. If anyone is interested, please respond.

30, white, and overweight.

OK. What the ad says, and what it really says:

Today is my birthday and I took the day off to hang out. [I have been on unemployment for the past two years. I have not showered in six days]. I would love a female to come over and keep me company and give me a special birthday gift. [I have not had sex since New Year's 1995. My birthday is actually in October, but I thought that this might be a clever way to trick a woman into having sex with me. Also, I like Applebees. A lot]. If anyone is interested, please respond [I stole three hundred bucks from under my Grandma's mattress, and I really really realllllly want a blowjob].

30, white, and overweight [40, white, and obese].

I well sing Happy Birthday to you - m4w - 50 (novato)

Is it your birthday or maybe a friend's special day.If you like I would call you up and sing Happy Birthday To You.Why I'm I doing this,I have called friends on there birthday and they all enjoy it, which make me feel GOOD.Its fun and it could be a fun where to make new friends.Also I have a very bad back ( home alone ) and I need more human contact and connections.Have a great Day.DON

Oh, this is just sad. Although, admittedly I actually wouldn't mind getting a birthday phone call from ol' Don … but of course, I'd be way too creeped out to actually give him my phone number. Lord knows I don't need any more "human contact and connections" … especially not from inbred shut-ins looking to make new friends by singing them Happy Birthday over the phone. Um, can you say Unabomber?

And now for the greatest-of-the-great birthday craigslist posts…

Birthday Weekend Raunchy Toilet Sex - Brown & Yellow (Scat & Piss) - 51 (walnut creek)

It's our birthday weekend and we're looking get nasty and celebrate! Guess we've covered all the bases when it comes to raunchy sex and looking to get nasty this weekend, starting Friday after work, with hot guys, over 35 and NOT totally smooth, super skinny or bottoms, who ARE into top/mutual shit and piss play with no inhibitions. Also into some ff, sm/bd, leather, uniforms, kink, role play, etc. Not into bb. We're both hiv+ gwms, healthy and disease free. One 37, 5'7", 160, hairy, in shape, top/mutual and one 51, 5'7", 175, hairy, pierced and mostly bottom/mutual. So hit us up with pic and profile of what you're into and when you're available. Not interested in totally tweaked, if you want to pnp, be responsible for yourself. We're serious, responsible, can make and KEEP a committment and you should be too. Pic for trade and pic required for meeting. shitpigtom and Mike

Now if raunchy toilet sex doesn't say Happy Birthday To Me, I don't know what does! Woohoo! Hooray for turning 27, and hooray for raunchy toilet sex.


Want More?

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.