|WEEK IN CRAIG: IN DIRE NEED OF SOME ASS-ISTANCE.|
The jobs section of craigslist is an area that I usually do my best to avoid. The posts are usually all, like, serious and shit. You know, like, advertisements for, well, ACTUAL jobs. These are the job requirements, here's where to send your resume, no phone calls, please, and blah blah blahhhhh.
Frankly, it's a fucking bore.
However, this week I sucked it up and forced myself to explore this uncharted so-called "job" territory, and I noticed a somewhat disturbing trend in the help wanteds a plethora of rich, dirty old men advertising for high-paying "personal assistants" on craigslist.
Check it: Not only do they want them to type up memos, answer the phones, and make the copies, but they also want them to do double-duty in the bedroom on the clock. Clearly, these guys have seen Secretary one too many times and are under the impression that Maggie Gyllenhaal is available on the internet for $45K a year to pick up their dry cleaning and take notes in their meetings. And, not to mention, get on her knees under the desk every now and again.
Honestly, I'm appalled.
Although (and there's always an "although "), you kinda got to hand it to these guys if it works: Why bother paying for a secretary AND a girlfriend if you can get the 2-for-1 deal from some poor, desperate young piece of ass on craigs? (An updated version of the old "why buy the cow?" saying, if you will.)
Think about it. (Errr, well, not too much).
1 Right Hand / Personal Assistant Wanted !!
OK, so you're reading along, everything looks nice and normal, pretty standard stuff, auto dialers a network of computers going beyond the call of duty and then suddenly you get to line five and the whole thing goes freaking ape shit. Submissive, exotic personal assistant? Yup.
That's right -- he's looking for an "ASSistant." (How clever of him, eh?).
Call me a prude all you want, but it totally creeps me out to see an ad for what is ostensibly a sex slave that says "graphic design and/or Web design is a big plus."
Seriously. What the fuck?
I am posting here on the advice of an associate. He found someone
who was looking for a similar arrangement so I thought I would attempt
This might sound too direct, but here it goes. My firm allocated a
budget expense for a personal assistant. But since I don't need anyone
in New York to handle my appointments[my Boston secretary is unbelievable],
I am willing to pay someone for the companionship.
Here's who I'm looking for: a 24-29 year old woman[just an age range, not concrete], intelligent, attractive and confident. I don't mind if you're a student, but please be more mature than your peers. You must be the carefree, adventurous type[you know who you are].
As for what I'm offering, the exact figure including stipend is in the 4-5k range monthly.
As of now, this money is going nowhere and I don't need another secretary. The transaction would be wired to an unnamed account in a Manhattan bank and I would give you the ATM check card. Some other financial arrangement can be made, but I think this is the cleanest.
Pics are necessary as chemistry is undisputable. I'll respond in kind
and we can meet for some mojitos to see if this is something you'd want
Let me recount all of the moments while reading this ad in which I felt the need to spontaneously vomit all over myself:
1. "I usually stay at midtown hotels with the occasional foray into SOHO."
2. "It's hard to have a wife and kids if you're travelling through Europe or deep sea fishing in South Africa."
3. "I have a dry sense of humor and always seem to have fun on dates whether I'm in a tux or blazer and loafers."
Now, let's just get this straight. This fucker works for an energy lobbying group. And this whoop-dee-doo lobbying group has so much dough that they have set aside $4-to-$5K per month for him to hire a secretary for the 12 days per month that he's in New York (what the?!) but this dude is, like, sooo smart that he's going to hoist all of the extra work on his "unbelievable" Boston secretary, tell the accounting department that he's hired another assistant in New York, and then spend the allocated money (may I repeat-four to five fucking thousand dollars per month) on a PROSTITUTE.
The integrity of lobbyists can be astounding.
(If we should all be so lucky).
sexy female needed for various duties. ideal female will be 21-25 years old. very outgoing. has some selling or marketing experience. can and likes to dance. knows how to dress. very trustworthy since dealing with alot of money. well organized. has ideas to help business grow
duties-selling tickets. passing out flyers. create a following via
face to face, e-mail or phone. attending events with me when needed. run
sum personal errands from time to time.
Ahh, if only every job ad were so honest. I mean, hey, if he wants a business assistant and bookkeeper who also can dance and has big boobies (I'm just assuming that he wants her to have big boobies -- probably a safe bet), well, then more power to him for being upfront. No? I mean, would I have wasted my time four years ago applying for that Assistant Literary Agent position, had I known that they were looking for a candidate who had actually researched what the job would entail? Would I have ever bothered with those multiple interviews back in 2001 at that bullshit publishing company had I realized that they wanted an Assistant Editor who was interested in "underwater erotica?" (I'm serious).
Anyway. That's it for this week. I've got to run now-it's time for my ASSistant's spanking. ASSistant. Get it? Ass?