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  WEEK IN CRAIG: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE RIDE...  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

Humor me for a minute here and do me a favor … picture me as an idiot 19-year old in a Co-ed Naked Football T-shirt and a Senor Frogs hat for a second as I introduce the theme for this week's craigslist run-down…

Two words -- Road trip!!!

Weee, that was fun. Ok, but seriously. Have you ever checked out the rideshare section of craigslist? I've been looking through it for the first time recently, and upon first glance I thought that it was the most brilliant thing I had ever seen. Why buy a plane ticket when you can get some poor sucker on craigslist to give you a ride for free? However, as with all good piles of crap, the thing just got stinkier and stinkier as I dug my way in. (Errrrr, sorry. Bad metaphor! Bad!).

Anyway. There are a lot of reasons why I've embarked upon road trips over the years … for vacation, to get back to school, to see old friends, to get some long-distance sex when I've been blindsided with L-U-V for some dumb boy … Yes, I've traveled by car with many a random person before for so many different reasons. But one thing I have never done is hitch a ride with a stranger that I found on the web. So, this week, rather than bore myself with the painful reality of actually sharing a ride with some freakshow off craigslist, I'm diving into their ads to save us all the trip.

So bust out your atlases and loosen up your hitchhiking thumbs … this week we're going into the rideshare section of craigslist.

Bring out the loons!

I NEED RIDE TO GREAT BEACHES. ME N.Y. SURFER/BODYBOARDER

I am getttin really tired of taking the "A" train to rockaway, its a five hour round trip from the Bronx. Any Surfers, Bodyboarders, bodysurfers or beach lovers out there with a car? A desire to commune with Mother Ocean?. Call me (917)328-2135 and by the way, I would love a surfer/rocker girlfriend. Me, 34 yr old; tan skin PuertoRican 6"1", 190lbs. with lots of love to give the right girl. For you surfers out there I can be a great entertainment during rides to and from the Surf. I can Dazzle you with my stories.

Oh, nooooooooo. That's all you need is a five-hour rideshare with a bodyboarder (no, really, a bodyboarder!) who wants to commune with Mother Ocean (Christ almighty), is looking for a "surfer/rocker girlfriend" (for whom homey has lots of love to give -- awwww), and who claims that he will DAZZLE you with his stories. Um, I'm sure "dazzle" is the word for it.

Although, I like his method of claiming that he's just innocently looking for a ride "to and from the Surf," while all along surreptitiously throwing in his physical stats, what he's looking for in a girlfriend, and his phone number. Hey, if the traditional personal ad ain't working for you, why not sneak one into your search for a ride to the beach? Sneaky. Verrrry sneaky.

Want to drive me from LaGuardia to the West Village this weekend?

Are you super cool and generous? Will you be at LaGuardia on Friday at 4:30 PM? Do you want to give me a ride to the west village? If so, you are super cool, generous, and awesome! And you should email me immediately so I can tell you that personally - and then in person on Friday as we travel from LaGuardia to the west village! Yes, I know I can make the trip for $2, but that's NOT THE POINT!
BTW, I'm a SWM, 29 yrs. old, completely harmless, and coming to town to work on a film project.

Also, if you should want to take me BACK to LaGuardia on Sunday at about 1:30 PM, you would be even MORE awesome - if that's possible!

Now, if this actually works, I'll change my name to Rick James' Bitch and let you stuff me full of crack cocaine and beat me in the kitchen. (Who misses the Super Freak? I do! I do!). No, but seriously. Does this jackass actually think he's going to get a ride to and from LaGuardia from downtown Manhattan from some random stranger? Honey, I know that on MapQuest, the airport is, like, 8-miles away, but this is New York -- on a Friday at 4:30 p.m., that could easily turn into a 17-hour trip. For reals.

I'd almost give this guy props for thinking up such a devious way to fool some dumb desperate-for-appreciation shut-in into hauling his lazy ass to and from the airport (You'll be so cool and so awesome and the greatest EVER if you drive me!), except that I'm kind of overcome with barf when I think about what a dickhead this person must be.

Dude, just take a fucking cab, you shitbag.

Amateur Stand-Up Comedy Tour: San Diego to New York..

Hello, I will be headed to Chicago from San Diego for a convention/show Sept. 4th. Any other comics/comedians that have a car want to make a tour of it along the way? We could stop in local comedy clubs between San Diego and Chicago (doing open-mics along the way). By the time, we arrive in Chicago (and then to New York if desired), we could become famous! You never know! I'm a responsible, sane (yeah right, I'm a comic!:), funny, entertaining person and hope you're the same...

When I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, hysterical, scared out of my mind, this -- THIS -- is the nightmare I am having.

Cross-country open-mic stand-up comedy road trip. Honestly, I'd rather drive to San Diego in a compact car with no air conditioning filled with George W. Bush's turds. And I mean that sincerely.

I'm a 26 year old, straight, male motivational speaker considering driving x-country at the end of September and the ride would be more of a pleasure with a friend. I've worked at UCSD since January 2003 and have exceptional references. I'm up for making a new friend first and making that trip with them. I'm in NYC until September 4th. Drop me an e-mail.

PS: A one-way flight from NYC to SAN is $99.00 and if you wanted to stay at my place until we get on the road, we could arrange that could be arranged - I live three miles from the beach in La Jolla.

Wait, you thought it couldn't get any worse. How about driving across the country with a motivational speaker (kill me now) who is so desperate for a "buddy" that he's willing to not only drive you (a stranger, let me remind you) 3,000 miles, but also to put you up at his house in La Jolla.

Remember that scene in The Silence of The Lambs where Jodie Foster has to save that chick who is being held captive in the basement of a transvestite who is preparing to skin her alive and wear her as a dress? Right. I remember it too. Seven words: "It puts the lotion on it's skin…"

Note to self: a $99 plane ticket is well-worth the price of keeping my epidermis on MY body. Rescues never work out as conveniently as they do in the movies.

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.