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  WEEK IN CRAIG: DING DONG, THE DILDO'S DEAD. VIVA LA VIBRATOR!  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

My roommate and I have been living together for the better part of a decade now. As a result, we've pretty much eliminated all formality in the friendship as well as in the operation of our household. Basically, as long as you're not acting like a total assfuck, anything goes.

So she didn't bat a proverbial eyelash recently when she came home to find me sitting on the couch with the laptop on my knees, greeting her with "hey, my vibrator just broke, so I'm buying a new one. You want in on the order?"

In fact, she said "yeah, sure, why not?" and took the laptop from my hands.

I know, I know, cue the shitty porn music, 'cause this sounds like the intro to Where The Boys Aren't 7. Which is funny, because if you actually knew my roommate and me, our life together more closely resembles an episode of My Two Dads (where she is obviously Michael, I'm Joey, and our goldfish is Nicole) than anything even remotely resembling a girl-on-girl porno, much to the chagrin, I'm sure, of perverts everywhere.

But I digress. Point is, we buy our vibrators together. You know - to save on the shipping and handling and stuff. Which I guess, all things considered, makes us slightly more racy than Michael and Joey. Slightly.

But that's besides the point…

Normally, when we order packages, we have them delivered to her office, since our doorman recently retired and there's no one to accept our deliveries at the moment. (See, that's a joke, because we're, like, totally poor and live in the ghetto and, like, only dream of things like doormen and, say, regularly running hot water). But, when you're expecting a box full of vibrators and a jumbo-sized bottle of Astroglide, you don't necessarily want the mailroom at your office accepting the package.

So, we took our chances and had our new battery-operated boyfriends delivered directly to our home. A few days later, we found one of those little USPS slips taped to our mailbox, and, shouting HALLELUJAH!, my roommate headed off to the P.O. to pick up the Love. I'm the excessively lazy of the two, so I went home to watch Trading Spaces and await her arrival.

Twenty minutes later, my roommate returned with a torn-open soggy brown envelope and an armful of undisguised vibrators, dripping a trail of Astroglide from the post office, all the way up our block, and into our living room. Apparently the Astroglide bottle broke en route, causing the package to open up, and somehow creating a tornado of lube all over the post office. As she described how the large black woman in the gray postal uniform who handed her the vibrators got Astroglide all over her hands and how she said that she was praying that it was just hair gel, I knew that I had made the right decision in being The Lazy Roommate. I knew that one should NEVER have Astroglide sent through the mail. And I knew that you might as well make life easy and just buy your damn vibrators at Toys In Babeland, rather than dealing with even the remotest possibility that you might have to walk through your ghetto-ass neighborhood on a Saturday afternoon, schlepping four vibrators and leaving a trail of lube behind you leading straight to your doorstep.

Oh, screw it. Enough pontificating. Viva La Vibrator!

Free Dildo (realistic, 7 inches, almost new)

broke up with my gf recently and just want to get rid of it. i figure someone else may put it to good use. my gf only used it with a condom on it so its new condition. its realistic feel, 7 inches with balls and suction cup

discreet here in north NJ

So, so, so, so, so, so, soooooooooooooooooo grody!

Ok, so if you don't want to risk having your new vibrator sent through the mail -- and you're too embarrassed to walk into your local sex shop -- head out over to this "discreet" location in Northern New Jersey and pick up a nasty USED dildo?? And don't worry, it's perfectly clean; this weird fucker on craigslist promises that his girlfriend always used a condom. Yuck, yuck, and yuck. Why does this ad even exist? JUST THROW THE DILDO OUT. Put it in a plastic bag, and drop it in a garbage can. And, while you're at it, step away from your computer, because you're really, totally, sincerely grossing people out. Thank you.

P.S. Who wants a dildo with balls anyway?

shopping today right now - 31

be around the same age
down to earth attractive
live close
me the same
i have a pic
we go shopping for your new vibrator
i pay
maybe we test it out
let me know
it is 4:30pm

Me Tarzan
You Jane
I have pic
We go shopping for new vibrator
Have sex
Cheetah watch
It is 4:35pm

I was horny earlier but I ate too much schwarma - 44

Its 9:49pm. I'm alone in my apartment with lots of beer. Ordinarily, it would've been a good time to try to get some sex with some hot young white guy with a big dick but dammit......I ate too much schwarma and now my tummy is too full and its starting to hurt.

fuck it, I'm going to bed. I'm too stuffed to even use the damn vibrator.

Men, unless you don't care about having sex after dinner. Never take a woman out to dinner and let her order a lot of food. If she orders a lot of food, you can rest assured that she's not interested in you but wanted to at least get a good meal out of you before she says that she's tired/sick or she forgot to feed the cat and has to go home immediately.

Ladies, I'm sorry I blew up our spot but these idiots will forget what I wrote anyway.

I (heart) this ad. Best sentence of all time: "Ordinarily, it would've been a good time to try to get some sex with some hot young white guy with a big dick but dammit......I ate too much schwarma."

How many times I have said that to myself? I can't even begin to tell you. Although … too stuffed to even use your vibrator?

Damn, woman. That be a whole lotta schwarma.

Rave. The Rabbit (The Ultimate pleasure tool)

I love my rabbit. Two words: Multiple Orgasms

Who ever invented the rabbit should get a noble peace prize.

Every Gal should have one.
So she does not have to depend on men who are too lazy to please a woman or would rather satisfy themselves- only to have us fake orgasm.

If I could I would give these out to women everywhere so they can only know the joys of the rabbit and not feel that their only hope of some kind of sexual stimulation is through a lazy, talentless male.

Fellas, I am aware not all of you are lazy or lack sexual talent.
Obviously, this does not replace a fantastic lover.

However, you would have to agree that there are a lot of guys out there who haven't a clue.

Ahh, The Rabbit. It's praises have been heralded for ages now, but I -- ruefully living in the vibrator darkness -- have yet to give it a "whirl." Honey, if you ever do decide to follow through and give out Rabbits to all of the women of the world, sign me up, sister. Such kindness, I'm certain, would be worthy of a "noble" prize.

Anyway, that's all I've got to say about vibrators and craigslist. Oh, except one more little word of advice: Ladies, if you don't already have one, go out and buy yourself a big battery-powered rubber dick right now. Just not the kind with balls.

Balls are, like, totally gross.

Thank me later.

 

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.