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  Amy Blair    

The Republican National Convention descended upon New York this week. Seriously -- total snoozefest. Like, zzzzzzz.

For the most part, I managed to ignore most of the it, except when I decided to bust out my brand-spanking new rollerblades (good thinking, Blair) and went careening into a group of about 30 cops in riot gear on duty in midtown along the West Side Highway, screaming all the way "I can't stop, I can't stop!"

Had I thought of it ahead of time, I could have painted "Stop AIDS" on my back and carried a ripped-up American flag, and then I totally would have gotten handcuffed and beaten down and might have even made the cover of the New York Post with some kind of super catchy headline like "Protester Rollerblades Her Way Right Into The Slammer!"

Unfortunately, I was just wearing regular old pants and a T-shirt and failed to mention anything at all about "this is what democracy looks like!" so the cops just laughed and sent me on my way with an exhortation to buy a helmet. Goes to show what you can get away with when you act totally, really, incredibly dumb. Or, in my case, if you just are that dumb. (So sad).

But that's another story.

Anyway, nothing much exciting happened here for the RNC, so I thought I'd just write about something loosely connected. In honor of the convention, this week's column is an homage to what the Republican party means to me -- getting fucked up the ass.

Here's to strap-ons. And the GOP. Enough said?

Help a tall, attractive, smart, successful SWM with some fantasies? - m4w - 30

I am a tall, attractive, athletic, successful SWM, who is very intelligent, in great shape and has a nice body. I don't have a problem meeting women or getting dates but have probably, to some degree, dated "good" women for the most part.

On the other hand, I cannot complain and have lived out many fantasies. But I would like to find an attractive, smart and sexy woman who is looking for a great guy for friendship, great sex and mutual fantasy fulfillment and experimentation.

I am not looking for anything too crazy or deviant and am certainly not into pain or humiliation. Things I'd love to do but have not include: getting a blow job in a movie theater; a threesome; having a strap-on used on me. And there are other things that would be fun to explore again, such as office sex role play (you pretend to be my secretary for example), trying every position imaginable, further exploring tantric practices, anal sex, a swing club, etc.

You don't need to be into all of these things and I welcome other fantasies that you may have. But if you are smart, sexy, attractive and open minded and looking for a great guy to have an easy going friendship with and casual fun with, then send me an email.

I love how this dude lists off all of these fairly standard Things People Do In Bed -- I like making out! And getting head! And trying lots of different positions! And maybe a little role play, even! -- and then right in the middle he throws in, as if to sneak it past you, AND, LADY, I'D REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU RAMMED MY ASS WITH A GREAT BIG STRAP-ON PENIS!

Honey, you can't sneak that shit in! We all know that the topic sentence of this paragraph is "having a strap-on used on me." Clearly, the rest of it is all just fluff. I know it. You know it. Everyone who just read it … they know it.

Listen, if you want some chick to plow you from behind, just come out and say it. For instance: When I want to get dressed up in my Pretty, Pretty Pony outfit and get saddled and ridden like the bad little pony that I am, well, I just come right out and say so! I don't couch it in, "I like to kissy-kissy and huggy-huggy and whoop-dee-dooey."

(Wait -- was that like totally T.M.I.?! Sorry!!!)

Muscular Male here looking for STRAP-ON FUN!!!!!! - m4w - 27

hi there

i am a very muscualr str8 male in his late twenties lookign to have fun with another woman with a STRAP ON.......i would like to suck it and then probably get fu**ed if i can take it!!!!! i am not looking for full intercourse, just some kinky fun,,,,,please email with location, age, what you are into and a face pic, i will do the same!!!!
only serious replies please

Listen, first things first. It drives me fucking bananas when people write the word STRAIGHT as "str8." Thank you. Moving on.

Second, I pray every night before I go to sleep that I won't wake up in the morning somehow transformed into One Of Those People who would actually say something such as "i would like to suck it and then probably get fu**ed if i can take it!!!!!"

Shudder to think.

Yet another (sigh) guy looking for a strap-on girl. - m4w - 30

What is it with us straight guys? Always trying to bend over and take it like a man.

Okay, so...if you're a lovely lady scanning this section for kicks:
I'm yet another perved out fella. But I'm educated, I'm nice, I'm pretty good looking. I'm not a psycho, I'm not fat and bald. I don't post here all the time.

I'll talk more about anything you'd like or like to know. And I'll do anything (legal) you'd like for the honor. Boy it's hard to write these things. there's alot more to me than this but I figured i'sd see if an actual woman responds to this before typing my entire bio.

Your turn. And thanks!

Oh, come on, man. You've got this totally pervy thing you want; now lose the fucking geek language that you're using to ask for it. It's annoying, plain and simple.

Seriously, mi amigo, you managed to break several of the Cardinal Laws for making kinky sex requests:

  1. Never refer to yourself as a "fella" when asking a broad to bend you over and fuck you like a man.
  2. Also, refrain at all costs from saying "Boy it's hard to write these things." That hurts. That really hurts.
  3. And last but not least, whatever you do, never, ever feed a Mogwai after midnight.

Strap on use..... - m4w - 45

I am an older,white,executive who needs to be on all fours for your strap-on...age/race unimportant...Lesbian a ++

Of COURSE you are an older, white executive. Like, duh. Ahem -- is, um, ANYONE surprised? Anyone? Really? Anyone?

Yup. Didn't think so.

And with that, I'm out -- gotta go rollerblade my way straight into the slammer. Peace!


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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.