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  Amy Blair    

Helloooooo craigslist dorks!

I come to you this week without a hint of vitriol. I've got a smile on my face, a twinkle in my eye and a spring in my step. (And if those aren't enough clichés for ya, how about: I'm smiling from ear to ear! I'm happy as a clam! I'm on cloud nine! I'm a pig in shit! I'm totally listening to Journey's Greatest Hits!) Why, you ask? It's simple, my dear, sweet friends … this week on craigslist, love is in the air. Awww … ain't it just enough to make you cough up a little vomit?

Craigslist, you people seriously crack me up. When most people find themselves sick with the love bug, what do they do? They send a fucking Hallmark card. Or some roses. Or they hook a sister up with some bling.

They don't profess their love on some random Internet site.

Well, at least normal people don't.

But, frighteningly enough, I've noticed that there's a growing trend on craigslist for all of the lovelorn fruitcakes out there to spill their rambling, incoherent guts for us all to enjoy. (And by "enjoy," I assure you that I mean "make fun of").

So here's to amore, craigslist. You know, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie? Yeah, like that.

And remember, readers, Amy totally wuvs you!

She will be loved - m4w - 25

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want..

I hear those lyrics almost every day on the radio. I see one thing, that is your beautiful smile. I hope one day we can smile together, in love.

Religion should not affect ones ability to love another, it should not stop two people from falling in love. But it has. It has broken my heart. But I respect your decision.

Ally, remember one thing..

My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

OK, so I had to Google "It's not always rainbows and butterflies" (as embarrassing a Google search as that was) in order to figure out what the fuck this guy was talking about. To my delight and horror, I found out that this is a Maroon 5 song! Yay! How great is that?!!

Poor Ally … she has sex with some guy, and the next thing you know, he's posting Maroon 5 lyrics on craigslist on her behalf. Ya hate to see that…

P.S. In case you STILL don't get it, honey -- it's not religion that's affecting your ability to love one another. It's your tendency to quote crappy tool-pop lyrics. So. Not. Hot.

FOUND - love

I am afloat, as ever, in the warm pool of your adoration. You are my childlike playmate, my sage advisor, my long sought treasure, my equal. It is a joy to watch someone who already has a strong sense of himself settle deeper into his body and spirit. I have so much respect for your perspective, your willingness, and your ability to communicate. I feel so appreciated and accepted by you. You have seen me and met me unlike anyone ever has. You are unafraid of intensity. You live in beauty and grace. May I be your fertile ground, your candid mirror, your temple, your sense of home? We began nine years and thousands of miles apart. I am full of grattitude to have found you.

"The warm pool of your adoration"? God, that's gross. Oh, and so is "you are my childlike playmate." Shiver. Wait, come to think of it, so is "it is a joy to watch someone who already has a strong sense of himself settle deeper into his body and spirit." Hold the phones … I also want to barf when I read "you live in beauty and grace."

Jesus, it just gets worse … did you actually just say "may I be your fertile ground?"

Christ all fucking mighty, lady: Get a hold of yourself.

Miss you... - w4m

Here I am...still hunger for you. After like what seems an eternity, eight years too long, of yearning for you. As I turn the page, today finds me missing you. Alot has happened between you and I, but not enough for this battered heart of mines to let go, for once and for all. I miss my Sexy, is the feeling, which follows me to the present. Still think of you, of whats supposed to be left behind in the past. Try to be happy, but happiness with another has proven to be lost hope. To this day, I wonder if you still think of me...want to talk about whats been held back...if we'll ever find eachother, and if our paths will ever cross. It pains me, after whats been learned, after whats made me into who I am today from yesterday, after the countless faces in past chapters in my life...pains me to find these feelings still dwelling in the far corners of my heart. I'll continue to move on...still continue searching for that faraway happiness pertained to me...accepting the conclusion to our story, that all is lost between you and me. I love you, please know that youre the one I love, beneath my rough surface...behind the exteriors of my well guarded walls, I've always loved you...just wished I had the chance to say whats been left behind in my kiss those pretty lips and to see you smile...I miss you and thats all I know...

Best line EVER? "I miss my Sexy, is the feeling, which follows me to the present." Hee. I can't fathom what in the world it might possibly mean, but I love it!

Anyway, the thing about this ad is that I can't tell if he's trying to be poetic … or if he's just foreign. It's just so hard to tell sometimes… He sounds kind of like Borat on the Ali G show.

pretty face --my one and only fancy face - m4w - 35

u want to know the truth i do miss u and thats suck i hate it when i am made at you, please lets not fight.ok..come on i need u , you need me..ok this is not a right time for both of us since we both are traveling , but do u think, we can make the best of this situation, nothing heavy, and just treasure each other for what ever time we go together.listen we both have lost a lot.........we can not do this..i really love you and love to laugh and be part of your life...i am not talking sexually, i am talking about two best friends , i really miss u and i feel like throwing up everytime i think i won't see u again.......i just know we both are so helpless whenit comes to our feeling, come on what happend to two people who were the butterfly of the town, ha, no one has seen either of us.......listen neithe of us can guarantee anything,,,,,,,lets live and be happy ,.pretty please........:)))Joslin

Man, you have no idea how many times I have asked myself "what happened to two people who were the butterfly of the town?…" Sigh. So hard to know, really. So hard to know.

Anyway, is there any reason why this Joslin person simply refuses to use punctuation of any kind beyond extra-long ellipses and the comma? Why? Why, the ellipses, Joslin … why? How about a period once in awhile? Make my day and use a question mark? ? … ? … ?

Sigh. Just forget it. Who needs punctuation when you're not talking sexually … you're talking about two best friends, I really miss u and I feel like throwing up everytime I think I won't see u again…….

Now that's amore!


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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.