|WEEK IN CRAIG: AMY BLAIR IS YOUR DADDIES.|
Kevin Millar plays right field for the Boston Red Sox. This is Kevin Millar:
No, your eyes are not deceiving you. That thing is actually growing from his face.
Kevin Millar's fancy new Amish beard-thingee is precisely the reason why I NEED the Yankees to triumph over the Red Sox in the ALCS next week. I don't care about some stupid curse. I can barely remember last weekend; What do I care about 1918? What's important to me is that this man -- the man who purposefully has styled his facial hair in this manner -- does not make it to the World Series.
Does that make me a bad sports fan? Does that make me shallow? Does that make me yet another assface Yankees fan? I care not. I'm a woman who spends half an hour blow drying my hair every morning. My co-workers affectionately (cough, cough) call me "the princess who answers the phones -- every once in a while." I have a fucking unicorn doll named Pretty on my bed. What do you want from me, people? If I hate the Red Sox for their Chia Pet faces, then like Britney said (or was it Bobby?), that's my prerogative.
This week we're heading into Craigslist Boston for the Annual Post-Season Boston Sux Report. No offense to the two cool people who somehow manage to inhabit Retardville without turning into supreme, remorseless assholes (Hi Liora! Hi Jeanette!), but Boston makes me want to hang myself with Johnny Damon's long, luxurious, Jesus hair. Slowly. Very, very slowly.
Hey, Boston? Who's your daddy?
Thanks for reading,
Dear Good Egg (Oh, Christ),
Are you fucking kidding me? You're an asshole rich white guy who has lowered himself to work with kids in the ghetto (OMG, you're like, such a saint!) and therefore someone should give you two of the most coveted sporting-event tickets on the planet? Hey Craigslisters - I went to college and I work for a non-profit (hey Black Table editors, you wanna work on that already?) anyone wanna give me Super Bowl tickets? If that doesn't work, I'll take two tickets to next year's NBA Finals. Actually, fuck that. Just give me a million dollars. I have a bachelor's degree and my birthday is in July. I deserve it.
I am a die hard Red Sox fan who has a fantasy of fucking the shit out of a die hard Yankees fan, wearing nothing but a Yankees jersey (name or number not important). I will wear nothing but my lucky Red Sox jersey while I hate fuck you and chant "Let's go Red Sox..." along with the occasional "Yankees Suck", you can respond with "1918" if you want, but I WILL be your daddy.
I can host. Series replies only, please.
Now, I don't know how many of you out there have actually tried this, so consider this a little piece of service journalism. I can tell you from experience, it totally doesn't work. The last time I played this game, I came out in my Alfonso Soriano jersey (it was last year, people, last year) and some heels. The guy was wearing his lucky Nomar T-shirt (not-so-lucky as it turned out ) and some boxers (I swear, it seemed like a hot idea when we thought it up). It started going downhill immediately when he barked at me "on your knees, Alfonso, and suck Nomah's big, fat baseball bat!" Things only got worse when he asked me to show him the house that Ruth built. The final straw was when he bent me over and said he always wanted to see the Yankees get fucked. I stood right back up and marched right out of there, reminding him that, sorry, honey, but it's BOSTON that always gets fucked. And there went that FAN-tasy.
Word to this wise: Don't try this one at home, kids.
Dear Magic Dwarf, Please grant Pedro the strength and clarity of mind to compete tonight and be Victorious! And please use your evil magic to distract and weaken the Yankees.
Now, for those of you living in a tiny bubble (a la John Travolta in that 1976 masterpiece The Boy In The Plastic Bubble, the Red Sox "ace" pitcher Pedro Martinez has a little dwarf who he enjoys tossing in the air for good luck when he's not busy beating up senior citizens.
Your eyes are not deceiving you. That's a professional baseball player wearing swimming goggles, throwing a tiny man in the air after winning a baseball game. Blair does not lie to you.
Now, back to the craigslist posting.
I have no idea what that means, but I'm sure that the "magic dwarf" understands.
after that you never know lets see if we hit it off. How about you sitting on my face and watching the game while smokin a fatty and sippin a drink.
Babe, I think I'd rather get a moustache ride from Kevin Millar (shiver) while drinking battery acid and smoking one of Manny Ramirez' turds rapped in the magic dwarf's sweat sock.
God, I love October. Boston fans: Hope you're ready for Game 3 tonight. As for all you St. Louis fans, I've got but two words for you. Bring it.
Chirp. Chirp. Motherfuckers.