|WEEK IN CRAIG: HEY, MAN. LET'S START A BAND!|
I'm desperately, maddeningly, horrifically jealous of people who can play instruments.
When I was a kid, when everybody else was begging their parents NOT to make them practice piano, I cried my pathetic little eyes out pleading with my mother with all the might that I could muster in my hysterical little heart for a chance to play piano. And when begging and screaming and crying didn't work, I tried the rational approach.
"Do you not want your daughter to be a brilliant musician? Do you want me to grow up uncultured, uncouth? Do you want me to grow up to be nothing more than poor white trash with no musical ability whatsoever? Is that what you desire for your flesh and blood?"
It made no sense to me. If everybody else had the pristine joy of sitting through hour after hour of grueling lessons, followed by hour after hour of agonizing practice, why, oh why, why couldn't I too?
For some strange reason, she never broke down and bought me a piano.
Later I decided that I would show her, and piano or no piano, I was going to learn to play an instrument, dammit. I bought a guitar, second-hand, from an ad I found in the newspaper. The guitar was about 50 years old and was the approximate musical equivalent of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant disaster. But that didn't stop me. I bought all these "Teach Yourself To Play Guitar" books and practiced my chords until my fingertips were raw.
And then, as with most things, I grew bored when I found out that I wasn't going to be magically transformed into Jimi Hendrix overnight. Eventually the guitar found its way into a corner of my closet, never to be seen again until my mother finally moved and, at long last sent the guitar to a proper burial ground: the Staten Island Dump.
Anyway, because I can't actually be a musician, this week I figured I'd do the next best thing: Make fun of them.
So this week I'm heading into the Musicians section on Craigslist. And everybody's fair game, kiddies. After all, I never got a piano, you fuckers!
Female singer/songwriter and keyboardist/synthesizist looking for
members to start band influenced by artists such as:
We're seious about this, meaning long term stuff. Age must be between 24-35, down to earth, friendly, open-minded, and dedicated. If not, please don't respond.
-Da Rain Man.
Okay, the first person who can explain to me why on fucking earth this chick is calling herself "Da Rain Man" gets a dollar. Honey, only rappers get to use "Da" at the beginning of their names. Not chicks who play the synthesizer, chicks who want to start a band that is influenced by The Killers and Interpol. Which, for the record, is, like, so not done already or anything.
Also, are you aware that Rain Man was a retarded man obsessed with K-Mart Underwear? All right, cool.
Looking for BASS player and DRUMMER to form band with; I'm a female guitarist/singer/songwriter, I miss being in a band and I wanna rock. Dark grooves, poetic,punky stuff, lotsa influences.I'm into collaberating, playing local gigs, diy touring, all that good stuff.Needless to say, no mercs; looking to form BAND. Interested? Cool!
Oh, lord. Dark grooves, poetic, punky stuff. Lotsa influences? Oh, that's just awful.
Hey, anybody out there want to form a band with a dorky Ani DiFranco wannabe? Here's your gal!
PROFESSIONAL DRUMMER AVAILABLE. Looking for signed band, or band on
the verge of being signed. Over 20 years experience, any style any time
signature. Very dedicated to the cause. If your a flake, go flake off
somewhere else. I also play hand drums. 2 years at percussion inst. of
Hmmm. Okay, I'm torn here. This guy is clearly a complete freak of nature. He's 34, he just got out of the Marines and he describes himself as "DRUMMER FROM HELL." But, well, you gotta admit -- there is a little something something that kind of, well, fucking ROCKS about that. I'm picturing this big musclehead guy with his Marines T-shirt and a shaved head just going absolutely apeshit on the skins. And it's kind of awesome in a Henry Rollins kind of way.
On the other hand, he says "LETS SET THE MUSIC SCENE ON FIRE" which is just one of the most awful sentences I've ever had to suffer through. And he's probably realllllllly into Beavis and Butthead and hunting and Monster Trucks and beating up his girlfriend.
Eh, can't win 'em all.
Man, I've been using this thing FOREVER to try to get a drummer on this stupid list.
What is wrong with the people on here? Is there an epidemic of Mad Cow going on?
Doesn't anyone of you like post punk minimalist detroit deep house alt-rock with a twist of p-funk added in for groove?
Well, my manager does, so FUCK YOU.
I provide a rehearsal space and I write ALL the songs and they don't even show up for the goddamn rehearsals. I said, hey Max, are you coming? When we talked two weeks ago you said you were down. And he said, Yeah, I'll be there, and then, like, he didn't come. I was standing there with my dick in my hand AGAIN. For the UMPTEENTH goddamn time in a row. So now Paul (the bass player) is mad at me. Do I need to look for a base player too? Aw, MotherFUCK!
So this is the last time. Lets try this again. After this, I am going to give up. I will TEAR UP my demo deal contract with the label and I'll move to New Orleans and become a professional alcoholic and write songs about drinking while I drink myself to death. Fuck you!
Looking for a drummer who is into: The Faint, the Counting Crows, MB20, Dusseldorf Haigmeier, the songs of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Interpol, Cat Stevens, Kurt Weil, Sisters of Mercy, Pet Sounds, KMFDM and post-Joy Division New Order. Please, no over the hill DEAD HEADS. No nutty Vietnam vets, por favor.
We have a manager, a van, a 24/7 rehearsal studio in Park Slope (thats the really nice area in Brooklyn under the Gowanus Expressway near all them warehouses, for those who don't know) a bass player who really plays in the pocket but who might quit (Paul, don't do it, please, I'll get you back next week, I SWEAR), a lead guitarist (Finch) who is really sleazy and dirty like Jack White meets Johnny Thunders meets Lou Rawls...and my girlfriend is the keyboardist and she is quite comely.
I write all the songs and I sing and dance on the stage and cause riots and get us thrown out of clubs. But you know what they say, no publicity is bad publicity, LOL!
So this is the deal. We got money coming and we need someone committed. We are going to do some kind of concept album involving a farm boy living in Pre WWII Berlin who falls in love with a gypsy showgirl with a heart of gold who is really a member of the Gestapo in disguise, and their whirlwind love affair with the wacky landlord of the flat they share...You know, like a farce.
The money is good. We got everything. I JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN KEEP A BEAT and maybe throw in A COMPETENT freakin' DRUM ROLL who IS NOT A STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. Which I guess is asking alot.
I know it's not the most complicated instruement, drums, but act like a fucking professsional, FOR ONCE in your lives, don't throw your dreams of rock stardom awway for a skanky $20 whore and a dimebag of make-believe coke that's really Mr. Clean.
THANK YOU. SERIOUS DRUMMERS with BRAAIINNNNS can Email me or send me your address for samples/press kit.
Sorry if I offended any NON STUPID IDIOT drummers. Collateral Damage, LOL!
Woa, there, crackhead. You. Must. Chill.
Rock and roll, baby. Rock. And. Roll.