|WEEK IN CRAIG: WHO'S YOUR SUGAR DADDY!|
After a long vacation from my favorite inter-nerds it feels good to scrub the eggnog from my computer screen and get back up on the proverbial craigslist horse again (or in the case of this column, the horse's ass). Let me tell you, the gift-giving season can be a real drag. Some assholes make out like bandits, and it can really get you down. For example, half of my friends got freaking iPods from their parents for Christmas while other people (like, say, me for instance) got a pair of slippers in the shape of canoes that are being navigated by giant moose with oars.
Don't get me wrong: I love those fucking slippers. You'd have to pry them from my cold dead hands to get them away from me. But they sure ain't no iPod.
If I learned one thing over my Christmas vacation, it's that my family gives seriously shitty Christmas presents. Oh, and that there's no such thing as too much when it comes to the traditional Christmas shots of tequila.
Anyway, with the post-holiday hangover in full effect, and walking around my apartment sadly in my moose-slippers, I started to realize that there have got to be better ways to, like, get shit than by relying on presents from your cheap bastard family members. Or, say, by working to earn money to actually buy shit for yourself.
And so, dear friends, I turned to craigslist. After all, one of the biggest perks of being a broad (which, for the record, is cancelled out in the grand scheme of things by having to menstruate) is having feminine wiles with which to seduce men away from their piles of millions.
Hello, craigslist! I bet you can see where I'm going with this. We're off to find Amy a sugar daddy
The trip is next weekend (after this one ) to the Borgata Hotel. Limo down, biggest suite, shows,spa-ing, shopping and of course gambling. A friends with benefits situation of course. Girls can be bi or straight but great looking a must. You can't lose on this trip! No picture-no chance
[Sent to: email@example.com]
Dear Hi-Rolling Gambler,
My lovely roommate Erika and I are so fucking hot it will blow your mind. And we totally love Atlantic City. The last time we were there we spent hours playing the slots. Do you realize that they give you FREE drinks there, even if you're just playing with nickels?!? It's AWESOME.
Anyway, we would love to go with you. We heard that Hillary Duff is playing at the Taj Majal on the 28th. Maybe we could go???
A completely free and generous ($400-500) shopping spree at Victoria's Secret. Keep what you model for me-in the store of course. Added bonus-I am very goodlooking and very funny. If you want to go shopping you MUST send a clear and accurate photo.
[Sent to: firstname.lastname@example.org]
Dear Victoria's Secret Enthusiast,
My roommate Erika and I are extremely poor after a string of bad decisions made in Atlantic City.
We could definitely use $500 worth of Victoria's Secret lingerie, and we'd be happy to model it for you at the store in exchange for the underpants.
The store on 34th Street is really big, so we could probably get the most stuff there. So that's where we'd like to go. Please let us know if you'd like to see us in the underwear.
Handsome,very fit exec off to Canyon Ranch in Mass next weekend is looking for a beautiful, very fit young woman to keep him company. All expenses paid. Classes, treatments, massages etc. NSA-if there is chemistry great-at the least we will have company. If interested in joining me send a full-length photo and some info about yourself.
[Sent to: anon-54633498@ craigslist.org]
My roommate, Erika, and I would really like to accompany you on this trip. We don't have a lot of money to vacation ourselves, but we should have a lot of new Victoria's Secret undergarments in the near future that we would be happy to bring along with us on the trip.
All of those spa treatments sound really enticing.
Please let us know when and where you will be picking us up.
In eager anticipation,
Please reply if you are able to travel and fit the bill. Pictures are a major plus.
I am: 28, white, tall, athletic build, attractive, educated, articulate, and traveled
I am looking for: someone similar in a very feminine package with an adventurous spirit
I have a business trip to London on Wednesday of next week and am planning to return next Saturday. This trip has a lot of client dinners and other social functions. Long story short, I need a date. Obvious catch is, we would be travelling together and sharing a room. My company will pay for the flight and a per-diem. I basically need you from 5PM onward every day.
[Sent to: anon-54662516@ craigslist.org]
Are two pretend girlfriends not better than one?
My roommate Erika and I are often described as "white, tall, athletic build, attractive, educated, articulate, and traveled" in a "feminine package."
(Emphasis on the "feminine package").
Please get back to us as soon as possible, as we would really enjoy being your pretend girlfriends on an all-expense paid trip to London.
is there a girl out there who finally wants to see what having 2 guys to herself is ? how much fun it really is?
So we are 2 hot discreet guys looking for a girl that has always wanted to have 2 guys to herself. we are a lot of fun. we will go out for drinks us three and see how things go. it's not every day a girl can have 2 hot guys all to herself to do whatever she pleases with.we are discreet and hope you can be as well. we want to make the fantasy come true for you. if you really have fun we can go out many more times if you so choose.
so if this type of fun interests you and you want to have 2 guys at your beck and call just email us. we will answer anything you want to know. send us a picture and we'll send you a few of us.we are 29 and 30 and hottt.
[Sent to: email@example.com]
Dear 2 Guys,
The hell with my roommate, Erika.
Also, if you wanted to throw in any spa treatments, vacations, or Victoria's Secret shopping sprees, I won't complain.
I'll be sitting by my computer in my hot new moose-slippers, waiting for your reply.