back to the Black Table
           
  WEEK IN CRAIG: THE ENDLESS CAVALCADE OF BIG BROWN STARS.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

Heeey kids! It's Asshole Week on craigslist! Didn't you hear? All assholes, ALL the time!

Is it just me, or has the entire world just gone totally bat-shit lately? I mean, as though it wasn't mind-bogglingly scary enough that Asia was hit by a tidal wave (the utter destruction of which I can't even begin to comprehend), and California is deep in the throes of fatal flooding and mudslides, but the grave-digging idiots on craigslist have to come out and frighten us all with the realization of just how low a bunch of losers are willing to sink.

Think you've seen tastelessness on craigslist? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Caution: Some of the tackiest and most pathetic craigslist ads to ever grace this column ahead…

Date for tsunami victims - 40

That's right, I will make a contribution to a legitimate charity for each date that results from this ad. I encourage you to do the same.

I did this once before and learned I have to be very specific about what I am looking for so we don't waste each other's time. So here goes:

Age: 28-43

Education: At least a B.A. or B.S.

Promptness: Must always be on time. Calling and saying you're running late is not acceptable, only death and serious bodily injury are acceptable reasons for being late.

Date behavior: Your cell phone should be turned off while we're together. Don't discuss previous boyfriends, lovers, husbands, etc. unless specifically asked about it. Don't talk about celebrities unless to condemn our society's ridiculous obsession with them.

Language: Don't use a lot of slang, hip hop lingo, or obscenities (it's not cool).

Race: Any.

Height: Any.

Weight: Any, within reason.

Expectations: If you're out for a sugar daddy, sorry.

Pluses: If you like PBS and think all other news shows are shallow, biased, and evidence of the downfall of our society. If you regularly do the NY Times Crossword puzzle.

Don'ts: Drugs, excessive drinking, diseases.

I am single, live in Manhattan, professional, attractive face and athletic body(I will send a pic when you send yours). 5'9", 170 lbs.

I look forward to hearing from you.

"Date for tsunami victims" is easily the most messed-up subject for a craigslist ad that I have ever seen. And I've seen a lot of twisted headlines (READ: Ever think of ANAL INCEST? - (Yahoo-AOL chat) - 34, seeking men or women to piss on me - m4mw - 38, 100 reasons for your dirty pantyhose - m4w - 35 …and the list goes on and on…).

But yours is definitely the sickest. So, like, congratulations, asshole. You win.

Beyond that, you're actually attempting to reel in potential dates by offering to make a disaster relief contribution for every one you get? Seriously? That's just, like, insanely fucked up. That's like, I don't know, new levels of fucked up.

The icing on the cake? You have the nerve to actually make demands … Don't use a lot of slang, hip hop lingo, or obscenities (it's not cool). Buddy, you know what's not cool? USING THE BIGGEST NATURAL DISASTER OF OUR LIFETIME TO TRY TO GET A FUCKING DATE (pardon my obscenities, Mr. F.C.C.).

What amuses me is that you think that shallow news programs are "evidence of the downfall of our society." You, YOU my little jackass friend, are the downfall of our society. If you have a problem with this, please feel free to forward it to the complaints department at comments@foxnews.com.

Hit me before I leave for tsunami relief - m4w - 34

I am a disaster specialist leaving for tsunami relief, but right now I need some relief of my own. Wont be leaving for at least a week. I am a good looking well-hung 7" Italian American male with dark hair and eyes, 5'11"

Race not important but no BBWs. . . .

Thanks

Didn't think the world could be anymore fucked up?

Wrong!

There's this (quote) well-hung 7" Italian guy who somehow thinks that it is OK to pretend to be a disaster relief worker and thinks that some poor dumb woman out there might actually fall for something as idiotic as this pathetic little scheme to get some "relief" of his own.

I am throwing up right now. I really am.

I have a tsunami in my pants... - 32

A totally superficial request ----- I was at a number of bars this past week and saw some girls that looked amazing in jeans. It has been since High School or maybe College where I dated soemone that looked incrediably hot in a pair of tight jeans - where guys would turn to watch the woman walk away. I just want to date a woman that will make me go wow when I see her in her tight jeans. Yeah - looks will fade, and personality may or may not be there - i know - this is a horrible request.

Not only is this one of the most pathetic ads I've ever seen, (It has been since High School or maybe College where I dated soemone that looked incrediably hot in a pair of tight jeans -- where guys would turn to watch the woman walk away) … it's also one of the most disgusting.

You like how he says at the end "i know - this is a horrible request" in reference to wanting to fool around with a chick with a nice ass?

What's funny is that he doesn't realize that that's not the horrible part. The horrible part is the fucking TSUNAMI IN MY PANTS comment.

So. Not. Ok.

Tsunami in your mouth. - m4w - 35

I am being very honest and upfront here. Want to get a
BJ done by a woman. Haven't had one for a while. Age
can be any where between early twenties to early
forties. NSA. Any time after 5:30PM in Midtown
location of your choice.

Results will be like a Tsunami in your mouth. Your picture gets mine.

Mr. Tsunami In My Pants meet Mr. Tsunami In Your Mouth.

Ahh, the good old "tsunami in your mouth" line. That's nice. That's really nice.

Personally, I prefer tsunami on my tits, but maybe that's just me.

Ugh.

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.