back to the Black Table
           
  WEEK IN CRAIG: LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG WAYS.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

Monday is Valentine's Day, which means I know what I'M going to be doing all weekend … Blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs. It's, like, sooooooo hard being me!

Anyway, the week leading up to Valentine's Day is one of the best times of the year on Craigslist because it really brings out the crazy in people. It's like the full moon of the internet year. And, when you're talking about people who post Missed Connections, well, the pool of Crazy is just that much deeper.

So, this year in honor of the big V (and I swear, I'm not talking about my vagina), I offer up this nugget of advice to my less cum-enhanced readers: bust out the Cuervo, make a late-night bootie call to your slutty upstairs neighbor, and rejoice that you're not spending Valentine's Day with one of these freaks.

Charming, Bubbly, Sexy, Bitchy Full Figured Girl seeks Valentine - 38

Hey there...just kidding about the bitchy part (yeah right!). I would love to meet a decent, NORMAL, single man in this city that is looking for something real. Are there ANY out there???? If you are seeking a one night thing, move on from this posting.

You should be 33-43, over 5'9, Jewish is a plus, mature yet playful and an all around terrific guy!!

Please send a photo and your basic info and I will reply with mine if I am interested. If you email me without a photo, I will not respond (AT ALL).

Thanks!!

Looking for a bubbly (read: overcompensates for her looks with dramatically outgoing personality), sexy (read: eggplant boobs), Bitchy (read: misplaced resentment towards everyone prettier than her), Full Figured (read: fat ass) Girl (read: 38)? If so, there's a party in her full-figured pants, and you're invited. But only if you send a photo … cause without one, she won't reply (AT ALL). Yo -- settle down there, scary lady.

My Cummy Valentine - 40

The fates gave me Monday (Valentine's Day) off.

I'm looking to service all of New York's lovely hearts.

Expert deep-throating swallower here.

Into all type, as long as you are not overweight.

Foreskin gratefully worshipped.

Pic in you got one.

In reality, who doesn't love a cummy valentine? On the other hand, do you really want to be this 40-year old dude's cummy valentine? I never claimed to be a gay man, or to understand the allure of an expert deep-throating swallower, but I know that you have to sink low (so, so very low) to answer this ad … no matter how much you want your foreskin to be gratefully worshipped.

P.S.: Foreskin worship? This guy REALLY loves his dick boogers.

Seeking for a Hot Chick on Valentine Day!!! - 21

Hi!
I'm looking for a woman who I like to spend time on Valentine's Day because I felt bored every year on Valentine's Day and the holiday gets boring that I don't have a woman to spend time with. This year I hope I'm looking for a woman who's is very smart, getting into fitness, talented, and honesty.
It has to be from Ages 20 - 30 and their religion Catholic/Christian. Includes pics and leave phone number and e-mails.

Oh, honey. The holiday gets boring that you don't have a woman to spend time with? Did you really just say that? Wait, this year you hope you're looking for a woman (we've all gotta dream) who is smart, getting into fitness (but not yet into it?), talented, and … honesty?

Oh master of the English language, I believe the word you want is "honest." If I were you, I'd give up on the hot chick (!!!) and find yourself a grammar manual. Oooooooh Snap, I said yo' mama.

A Valentine and a Burberry - 58

Would you like to be wrapped in a big red bow with flame red heels and be taken out for a Valentine's Day Cocktail? Oh yes, perhaps also a Burberry so as not to overly arouse the attention of local prudes and the police!
If thoughts of activity such as this quickens your pulse and you have wondered if there are men who would delight in such activities, look no further.
I am a well educated, professional, gentleman who is tall, blue eyed and employed and I am looking for an intelligent, attractive, trim woman who enjoys playing near the edge and who is seeking a serious, ongoing relationship.
If your mind is quick and you desires are not commonplace, you know what to do.

I can think of nothing in the world that I'd like less, actually, than to be dressed in a big red bow with flame red heels and a Burberry. Unless, of course, I was a contestant on Fear Factor and I had to do this while eating grasshoppers and there was $50,000 on the line. In which case, sign me up.

And now, for the number one reason to rejoice that you're single this Valentine's Day…

Good V-day gift???

Ok, so i've read the ten million post from people talking about their gf/bf. I think it's cool to post nice things about your other half. For Valentine's day, i've decied to tell my boyfriend that I am pregnant.
I was told a couple of years ago that i would not be able to have kids. Yes, i was heart broken, but i was also really young at the time. Now i am 24 & in a healthy, happy relationship. 2 years & going strong. Now a baby makes 3.
Um, i'm scared. I'm shitty my pants. Why? Because I am 24, and I still live at home. We have been looking for an apartment, cuz we feel we're ready to move in together. But now a baby. My dilema lies in this - Not so ready for this baby, but thiniking this could be my only chance to have one. I've had 4 miscarragers. Four. My boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world. But i don't know what this will do. I know he won't run away, he's a good man. I'm just scared. This is a HUGE responibility. i dunno. if anyone has any words of wisdom, a calming line, it would be appriciated.
Thanks for letting me rant about this.

Wee! Hooray for "miscarragers!" Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.