|WEEK IN CRAIG: THE GREAT CRAIGSLIST JOB HUNT.|
I'm looking for a job. I'd prefer to do something that would involve working with cats, alcohol, gay men and free stuff for me. But of course, I'm flexible. I'd rather not wear a uniform or a costume of any sort. I'd like an expense account, and the ability to order all of the sparkly pens I want from the office supply catalog (if office supplies are involved). I'd prefer not to have to interact in a pleasant manner with schmucks. I would like to be sent to exotic travel destinations on the company dollar. And I'd rather not be expected to get to work at the crack of dawn everyday. Oh, and one more thing it would be nice if I didn't have to stare into a computer screen all day with a blank, pained expression contemplating my soul-sucking existence on a regular basis. Once a week could be acceptable. But no more than that.
And I'm definitely not interested in sending you a shitty resume and then putting on my roommate's suit (sorry, I don't own one) to meet with you. I don't want to tell you about my skills and experiences and why I'm the right candidate for the job. We should have all of our meetings over cocktails -- which you, naturally, provide. So, if you want to pay me lots of money to do something stupid, please email me immediately. I'm 100 percent for sale. And 100 percent serious.
In the meantime, I'm just going to sit here and wait for the fabulous offers to come rolling in, while I contemplate all of the completely idiotic ways that one could make a living. Thank you, craigslist!
Seeking Red Sox fan eager to sell a unique tee-shirt that teases Yankee fans in a classy way, reminding them of "4InARowin'04" (tm) This is a hot item in Boston and very desitable for the many Sox fans living in the "Big Apple."
Compensation: $5-$8 markup per shirt
"Classy," indeed. There are few things in the world that I'd rather do less than stand outside of Yankee Stadium hawking T-shirts to Red Sox fans in the "Big Apple." (Gotta love those needless quotation marks). Although, seeing Boston fans walking around with the fantastically retarded slogan "4InARowin'04" could provide some moderate entertainment. And an $8 markup per shirt ain't half bad. I have no shame. Hell, sign me up. Sell 12 shirts a night, five nights per week, and I'd be pretty good to go. See ya at the Stadium. Um, let's go Red Sox?
Hair Fairies - The Head Lice Helpers ***SEE IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE***
1026 Avenue of The Americas, Suite 502
8250 West 3rd Street suite 202
Job Title & Description (3):***
1.) Hair Fairy (nit-picker) - removing head lice from children and adults using our patented Nit-Zapping process and products.
2.) Marketer - Traveling to pediatrician offices throughout the five boroughs setting up brochure racks with the brochure insert
3.) Manager - The store manager is required to regularly and customarily exercise discretion in managing the overall operation of the store. In particular, a majority of time is spent supervising and directing the workforce, making staffing decisions (i.e., hiring, training, evaluating, disciplining, discharging, staffing and scheduling), ensuring customer satisfaction and product quality, managing the store's financial performance, and managing safety and security within the store. The incumbent is responsible for modeling and acting in accordance with Hair Fairies guiding principles.
****Hair Fairies intends on hiring an individual who is capable of all three-job descriptions.
Wages: $10-12 per hour plus tips
Must Have: Patience, team player abilities, customer service experience, strong work ethic, desire to grow with company, ability to multi-task
Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned lice shampoo that just about every other kid in America had to suffer through after they came home from summer camp? Why on earth do you need HAIR FAIRIES to pick the freaking bugs out of your hair??
Although -- this ad totally sparked a brilliant idea. The next time I'm sitting at a bar and some nasty-ass guy hits on me, I'm going to tell him I'm a Hair Fairy/Nit Picker when he asks what I do for a living. It's a hell of a lot better than my usual answer: I write for The Black Table, and no, I'm not going to blow you.
Make quick cash,informing people in the Time Square area w/Flyers and clean jokes to get them to watch the show at 9:oo....No jokes required. Talk them In! Get some money! Great Stand-up shows make for an Easy Sale....please call 917 866 9596
God, I hate those fucking comedy-club-flyering pricks. For some reason, they always accost me in the same two places: outside of H&M on 34th Street, or while I'm smoking a cigarette in front of Grassroots Tavern. And it's always the same goddamned question: "Excuse me, do you like to laugh?" I could kill those fuckers when they ask me that.
Listen dickhead. No, I don't like to laugh. I hate laughing. Laughing sucks. Now get the hell away from me, I'm just trying to buy some cheap, poorly-made accessories at H&M, and I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me alone to enjoy my budget shopping extravaganza in peace WITHOUT FUCKING LAUGHING. Cause seriously, I hate laughing. Assholes.
So, anyway, hiring managers of the world, I'm totally available. Like, call me!