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  WEEK IN CRAIG: SO WHAT, SO WHAT, SO WHATCHA WANT?  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

My grandparents wanted nothing more in life than to teach me the value of a dollar. If there was something I wanted, I had to mow the lawn or wash the car or vacuum the house to earn money. They kept a piggy bank in their house with my name on it for me to save up my earnings for whatever stupid toy it was that I was jonesing for at the moment. They warned tirelessly against the evils of credit cards and assured me that the secret to good living was saving up money for the things that I wanted, and not spending that which I did not have. Unfortunately, as soon as I could start talking in sentences, I was starting sentences off with the two evil little words "I want…"

As a result, I weed-whacked endlessly as a kid (my chore of choice for god only knows what reason) to save up for Cabbage Patch Kids, My Little Ponies, Rainbow Brite dolls. There was always something more that I wanted.

After all these years, nothing has changed. When I'm broke, I window-shop (planning how to spend money once I have it). Instead of teaching me the value of saving, they inadvertently taught me the joy of spending. And few things feel better than wanting some stupid thing so badly, and then actually getting it.

We are living in a material world (I learned my childhood lessons well). So here's to the craigslist section I hold closest to my heart: the wanted ads.

going overseas looking for bulletproof vest

Going overseas looking for bulletproof vest. Large or medium size. If possible send photo first, call 917.392.3850 Igor

Igor, Igor, Igor, how you do confuse us all. Where the hell are you vacationing - Fallujah?

Sex toys needed for party...

Hi, and i'm looking for a quantity of used adult sex toys. Only toys that can be cleaned and are still usable, please. They are for an adult party in the works, so they must be usable. Invites are still available for those who deserve one.

Oh, how I love using other people's old sex toys! Oh, how I hope he deems me worthy of an invite to his used sex toy party! Oh, how cleanly and fun it is to stick used dildos up your coochie! Hoorah for partying with secondhand vibes! Herpes, ahoy!

Chickens or Ducks to "borrow"

I am having a Farm themed party on March 26 in Saratoga. I would like to borrow (pay for hire!) several chickens or ducks for the evening. They will be inside a tent running around on hay. They will be well cared for. Thanks!

Nothing says PARTYYYYYYYYY!!!! like chickens and ducks running around in a tent full of hay. God I miss college sometimes. Good times, good times.

NEED A FEMALE WHO KNOWS HOW TO PERICE

HELLO, AND I HOPE THIS DOESN'T SOUND WEIRD . BUT I'M ASKING FOR A FEMALE BECAUSE
I WANT TO PERICE SOME WHERE DOWN IN THE TESTICAL AREA. NOT A PRINCE ALBERT.OUCH
AND NOT COOL WITH ANOTHER DUDE HANDELING ANY PART OF MY FUN ZONE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I DON;T KNOW JUST YET WHAT OR HOW I WANT IT , MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE SOME SUGGESTIONS. MY GIRL FRIEND WILL BE WITH ME, SO ITS NOT AT ALL A SEXUAL
THING. JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO PERICE A SENSITIVE PART , WITH OUT HURTING/KILLING ME.LET ME KNOW A PRICE TO PLEASE.

Seriously, man. It's so not cool having another dude handling your fun zone when you go to get the testical area periced. Anyway, if you want me to do it, I'm totally good with the sensitive parts. And I'm a female. Let me know if you're into it. I'm a fantastic pericer and I've got a lot of suggestions. Just as long as you swear it's not a sexual thing.

And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

I love the Christmas season. It fills me with the spirit. All year long I can be a Scrooge, a Grinch, a general malcontent.

But for that magic day of Christmas, I am transported into another person...a kinder, gentler me. And I'm always sad come January 2nd, when the season is officially over. The decorations go away, the food is gone, the tree comes down.

Sometimes if I'm really in the mood, I'll keep my tree up until January 10th, until I am guilted into recycling it by the thought of someone coming over and chastising me for keeping it up longer than absolutely necessary......

But not my neighbor. He or she dances to the beat of his/her own drum. My neighbor is a rebel. My neighbor takes guff from no one....

Because I wake up Saturday morning and walk outside of my building, and low and behold:

There is a Christmas tree laying on the grass.

It wasn't there the day before. I would have known. It's hard to hide a Christmas tree. This one still has the stand on it and everything. And there it was on its side, as a cruel reminder that we have another nine months until December rolls around again.

I wake up Sunday, and someone has uprighted the tree in the night. I silently thank the person. I can still smell a bit of pine when I walk by. So can my dog. He urinates on the base.

Why would someone remove a tree from their home in the early days of March? Were there no visitors in January and February? Did postings upon postings in M4W finally score that dream date, which led to the promise of 3rd date sex, which led to the sudden horror of the dried out tree sitting in the living room, screaming out "Slacker" or "Loser" or simply "Freak?"

This morning I get up, feeling a bit sorry for the tree. There it is, bare, with no magesty. Only yellowed needles falling to the ground. Judging by the box spring behind it, which has been there since I moved in next door last July, that tree is going to be there a while. Maybe even until next Christmas.

I think if it is going to remain another nine months, I'd like to see it decorated...show some community spirit and love to last the entire year. I selected a lovely white snowflake with glitter on it, and placed it on the tree.

I wish I had tinsel and more ornaments to place on it. Maybe some beads, or strung popcorn. This could be the most beautiful Christmas tree.....by mid April.

The tree is located at 10737 La Grange Ave. It's just South of Santa Monica Bl. and west of Overland Ave. Drive by and place a decoration on it.

My apologies if you already have a March-mas tree in your neighborhood. But I think this tree is going to be the lovliest tree ever.

I love this ad. I really do. That's all. Please people of California. Go decorate this stupid tree. And don't forget to send me the pictures.

 

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Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.