back to the Black Table
           
  WEEK IN CRAIG: GIVING IT UP FOR THE GRANDPAS.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

Here's a slutty admission. When I was seventeen I hooked up with an older man. He was…twenty-eight. I couldn't believe how incredibly, unimaginably, seriously OLD he was. So, for a short time I entertained the thought that I was "into" older guys. You know, like, twenty-somethings.

A (cough) few years have since passed. Now, when I get my hair cut, my Japanese stylist practices English by saying "Amy, you gray hairs sooo cool! I give you Brooklyn haircut!" When I tell her I'd prefer it if she didn't talk about my gray hairs quite so loudly, she giggles uncontrollably. "No, gray hair cool in Japan! Very, how do you say? Mature! I give you Brooklyn haircut!" My ob-gyn tells me that she's going to stop prescribing the pill in a few years if I don't stop smoking. It's not safe, she says, when you're this OLD. I want to ask, shouldn't we, like, be discussing the dangers of teen pregnancy, or something? Awhile ago a bunch of my drunk friends sat around discussing hemorrhoids in a bar. I'm not kidding. Swollen butts were something I'd never imagine hearing my friends talk about…unless they were kinky.

I realize now that hooking up with an older guy would require me raiding a nursing home, or something. And, well, the walkers and the erectile dysfunction have kind of taken away some of the, how do you say?, mystique of the "older" man.

But, thanks to the wonders of modern medicine (Levitra…quality, when it counts!) and the internet, old dudes are getting some on craigslist, too.

So here's a shout-out to the grandpas. Old guys? You go.

a HARD! man is GOOD! to find! older! women needed! - m4w - 57

male, 57, 5 feet 7, 135 pounds, looking for GOOD!!! X X X SEX!!! with older! women, 50 to 60. NSA, D&D free. ANYTHING GOES!!!!!! the older you get, the BETTER!!! you get!!! MUST BE A SMOKER! SERIOUS ONLY!!! email gets quick response! Craig

This ad makes me realize that I really need to start adding more random exclamation points to the middle of my sentences. At work: "I finished!! The FILING!!!! Will be sending the blast FAXES!!! SOON!!!" At the bar: "This was a LONG!! Week! I'm going to have a WHISKEY!!! On the rocks! SERIOUS ONLY!!!" At home: "I'm in the mood for CHINESE FOOD!!! Tonight, for DINNER!!! If you want some too! I will wait for you to order!!! SZECHUAN STYLE!!!"

any women in need of cunnilingus? - m4w - 70

HI LADIES
im looking for one special female,who is slim to chuby,any age,any race,clean,d/d free,who would enjoy recieving cunnilingus often.i dont care about your relationship statis(descretion assured)im 70 years old and i guess i should give up looking,but my insatiable desire for cunnilingus just wount let me.to me theres nothing like the feel of a womans body tense up and shuder as she releases those tasty hot juices.im slim,clean,safe,d/d free.legally separated 25 years,no girlfriend.

My initial reaction was to laugh at this guy's spelling, call him a dirty old man (those 'tasty hot juices?' Eww), and dismiss him. Upon further thought, however, I retract that initial reaction. This guy is seventy (SEVENTY) years old. Not only does he know about the internet, but he can use craigslist. He's been separated for twenty-five years, has no girlfriend (strangely amusing when applied to senior citizens), and his insatiable desire for cunnilingus just won't let him give up looking. He may be a dirty old man, but this is a good man. Seriously? Bless him.

sugar daddy professional seeks young attractive women21-45 for sex - m4w - 54

Need a young, pretty lady for a nice dinner out and then lots of passionate sex
on this friday,April 1st.Don't need to send a picture.I believe you'll be pretty.Caucasion or oriental just fine.If I have'nt responded to your email by 4pm ,then I'm set up and we can arrange another time.Wanting you right now,you beautiful sexy babe.

People are fucking nuts. Do you think that craigslist is some kind of magical fairy land where you write an idiotic little message and suddenly hordes of young nymphets are beating down your door for "a nice dinner out and then lots of passionate sex?" Somehow I doubt that if anyone actually responds after 4pm they'll have to wait to arrange another time.

P.S. The chicks totally go bananas for that "wanting you right now, you beautiful sexy babe" business. Good one.

Dirty (YOUNG LOOKING) OLD MEN NEED SEX TOO ! - m4w - 60

Seeking a horny women to go Easter Egg hunting between the sheets with,as I have no plans for tonight,tommorow night,or maybe monday. I'm 6'2"tall,180lbs,solid,slim,black hair,brown eyes,trim moustache and sexy. You will NOT be dissapointed. I can host at my home complete with a hot tub to play in and some 420.

When I think Easter, I think egg-hunting between the sheets and then hot-tubbing with a stoned sixty-year old guy with a moustache. He is risen!

Ok, so I'm not Mr. Young & Wonderful -- who is? - m4w - 59

You want a straight listing? Well "Straight" I am. I'm looking for the right woman for the right affair.

If you're a young woman, you are not looking for me, because I am 59, Oh sure, I look 51, have dark hair, blue eyes and am considered good looking by many women. However, you probably don't possess the maturity and sophistication to deal with me. I am looking for a "real woman".

Gee sweetheart, don't twist your finger in your cute little dimple, you have all those young studs competing for your attention and you have not yet learned what a mature, lovely woman knows about enjoying; taking things slowly and softly, and really feeling. The real woman will still be enjoying and reflecting warmly long after you have located your thong, combed your hair and have been dumped back at where ever he found you. Ridden hard and put away wet! That is not at all what a real gentleman is about. You'll learn.

We all have our preferences, and of course I have mine. I prefer a woman who likes to laugh and has the sense and intelligence that God gave to those women who stood up at brain dispensing time to get hers. I am a relatively complex gentleman with a vast array of life experiences and am a businessman. Oh, the dark hair, yes, it's all there, but some of that damn salt and pepper has crept in a very little bit. Still, everything else works just fine, from tip to toe, thank you very much.

I'll bet I'm just like the average guy, as I love large breasted, i.e., busty women. But proportional: wow, that was a surprise; this guy must be a man of some kind! Understand, I am not obsessed with this, as laughing hard and warmth are much higher on the list. But appearance is important to me and I may as well be honest about it in general.

Speaking of honest. OK, let's locate the Exit Doors for a fast escape; this guy's a bum! I am presently married and I emphasize presently. I am going through hell and am working on the situation. But it exists and I am not going to blow smoke up your skirt to say otherwise. But then you may be married as well.

If you are interested in a relationship with a kind, gentle, intelligent man with tremendous passion and are able to give somewhat the same, should we not at least explore it? Remember, explorers always find new and exciting things. If you are like me, and feel alone in the situation you are in, then lets explore.

Let me hear from you. I can't even write to you and discuss if you don't write to me first.

Best sentence ever? "I'll bet I'm just like the average guy, as I love large breasted, i.e., busty women." Is that what you meant by "large-breasted?" Thanks for the explanation. Gee sweetheart, don't twist your finger in your cute little dimple.

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.