back to the Black Table
           
  WEEK IN CRAIG: LAW & ORDER CRAIGSLIST VICTIMS UNIT.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

When you ask most little kids what they want to be when they grow up they give pretty standard answers. A fireman. A teacher. A baseball player. A ballerina.

Me? I wanted to be a forensic pathologist.

I'm obsessed with true crime … always have been. I have 80,000 channels on my digital cable, but do I ever watch anything but Court TV? Hardly. (Not unless there's a good MSNBC Investigates on, or a documentary about serial killers on the History Channel). I DVR Cold Case Files. And I, Detective. And The Investigators. In the days before DVR, I had been known to call my mother with panic in my voice with requests like "I'm not going to make it home in time to watch the JonBenet documentary on Channel 7 tonight and I forgot to record it!! Can you tape it?!?"

I read books written by FBI profilers. I buy Vanity Fair solely for Dominick Dunne's (admittedly cheesy) Bon Vivant crime diary. I theorize about the psychology of high-profile criminals to my friends when I'm drunk (he like sooooooooooooooo just wants to have sex with his mother and that's like totally why he killed that lady!). It's so nerdy, I know, but what can you do. At least I'm not as dorky as this guy, after all…

(It's always comforting to justify your own loser tendencies by comparing them to those of a Trekkie … makes you feel better every time, people).

Free homemade Star Trek pins

Free home made Star Trek pins. Just bought a pin maker and have created my first bach of authentic pins that even a klingon would appreciate LOL.

call me for details

Justin- 415-596-1022

PS- having a pool party this weekend looking for frinds in neighborhod or galaxy to attend..... no strings attached

Anyway, I digress. This week we're solving crimes on craigslist. So, like, stick 'em up, yo.

Stranded in NYC -- could use a ride to Boston --TODAY!!

I had a bag stolen from me yesterday that had all of my money in it besides that I have no one to call to get back to Boston.

So if there is anyone headed up to Boston today that would be willing to help a guy out and give him a ride let me know.

I am non-creepy and will make you laugh if nothing else. Guys I am all about talking Sox vs. Yanks the whole way there.
A ride today gets you a SOX YANKS ticket in July!!
So I hope that someone can help me out today

So, you're an annoying frat boy who came to New York with some buddies who not-so-secretly think you're the most annoying dude in Delta Lambda Gamma. On the second night here, you got so shit-faced, you wandered out of the bar and passed out on a street corner. Some homeless dude stole your wallet and your cell phone after you puked all over your khakis. Funny, your friends never came back to find you. You can't wait to get back to the frat house so that you can brag to the other dudes about your "adventure" in the city.

Nobody's going to give you a ride back to Boston. Just call your parents already and have them wire you some cash at the local Western Union office. Again.

You: Asshole who stole my plant holder. Me: Pissed off woman - 30

I missed meeting you. You're a cheap ass thug you stole my plant holder off of my patio in Astoria near Broadway. I will hunt you down. I'm making wanted posters offering a reward as I type this. If I were you, I'd put it back tonight. Otherwise, I will spend the rest of the week walking around the entire Astoria neighborhood looking for it. I'm bored with nothing better to do. If anyone knows where my plant holder is, I will pay you $25 and two 6 packs of beer. Here's a photo of it.

Lady, that is one ugly-ass plant-holder. But that's beside the point. Your crazed vigilante plan to poster your neighborhood and find that plant-holder (if it's the last thing you do!) is not going to get the thing back. You should be grateful that all he got was a stupid plant-holder. Get a cat, or something. Take up knitting. Enroll in an acting class. That's what normal people do when they have nothing else worth living for…or just go back to Kmart and get another blue light special plant-holder already.

Stolen Electric Scooter--Reward! (financial district)

Someone stole my scooter on April 20 at Jackson and Drumm between 3-5 pm. The scooter is easy to recognize--it says egovehicles.com on the side and it has a silver body and burgundy fender. It doesn't have pedals.
Here's a link to what the bike looks like: http://www.egovehicles.com It's not useable without my key and it needs to be charged within ten miles anyway. I use this bike every day to go to my rehab for a back injury and I really need it back. There are probably less than ten of these scooters in the city. If you have any information please email me. No questions asked!

Ok, I'm sorry that you lost your ride to rehab for your back injury and all, but honestly I think this thief did you a favor. There is nothing more horrifying than some jackass in a Brooks Brothers suit and briefcase, riding around the financial district on a little electric scooter. He may have stolen your egovehicle … but he may have given you an opportunity to salvage your dignity. Sell off a few bonds to make up for the loss, and be thankful. Maybe you'll actually get laid now.

GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

this is not about having any sort of morals or values...its about having some fukking decency for others!!! what drove you to hold my bf at gunpoint last nite, i ask??? for what? for some cash that wouldnt even last you the rest of the nite because of your fukked up addiction to crack or whatever else youre shooting up your ass!!!!!
you clearly are asking for it!!! i hope you fukking die and ill be the one holding the gun this time!!!!
dont you know that SOME people unlike you are trying to make something of themselves in this fucked up world!!! how do you know that it wasnt the LAST of his cash that he will have for awhile???
how do you know that maybe he worked off his ass just to get that very lil cash he had left in his pocket???
how do you know that maybe he might be on the verge of suicide!!!
how do you know that maybe his mom died that day and that what you stOle was THE LAST OF his mothers money she had left behind for him???
how do you know that maybe he was gonna use that money to give to someone who was in dire need of it more than he was!!!
the fukkin point im trying to make here is that, YOU DONT KNOW, what youre fukkin doing!!!!!
how do you know that maybe he killed himself because of you!!!! you were the last straw in his life and he couldnt take it anymore!!!!
so you know what!!! YOU BETTER FUKKIN THINK ABOUT WHAT YOURE DOING THE NEXT TIME YOU HOLD SOMEONE AT GUNPOINT FOR SOME FUKKIN POCKET CHANGE, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!

People shoot crack up their ass? I had no idea. Note to self: try that sometime.

I hope this week's craigslist posts provided a valuable lesson to all thieves and thugs… man, robbers sure are mean!

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.