It's 11:11pm, which means it's officially time to make a wish, if you're into that kind of shit. I'm completely trashed right now, so I'm going to use this opportunity to wish that I had written this column yesterday when I wasn't so completely shit-faced. (Hooray for Thursday!). But. I didn't.
So, voila. You get bomb-o'd Blair this week. Enjoy.
One of my favorite things on craigslist is the constant influx of stupid sex polls that you can find on any given day. See example below. If I wasn't so blotto, I'd totally ignore these … but what can you do. I've had many beers. So, here's a poll with my answers followed by swome other jackasses on craigslist who chose to ring in. Have fun. Hope you're all as trashed as moi.
Amy's drunk sexlist craigslist poll (my answers in bold):
Lame Sex Poll Because I'm Bored
1. AGE/SEX 28/Female
2. ARE YOU SINGLE? MARRIED? DIVORCED? IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP? Ina long timer relationahip
3. HOW OFTEN DO YOU MASTURBATE? Depends on hw much booty I'm getting/
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY TO MASTURBATE? Aftr work?
5. DO YOU USE TOYS WHEN YOU MASTURBATE? IF YES, DO YOU USE THOSE TOYS WITH YOUR PARTNER AS WELL? Why the fuck not.
6. WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE TO STIMULATE YOU ASIDE FROM YOUR GENITALS? Fuck you.
7. HAVE YOU EVER USED FOOD TO ENHANCE SEX? IF YES, WHAT KIND AND HOW? Seriously,k what the fuck?
8. HAVE YOU EVER PISSED ON SOMEONE OR BEEN PISSED ON? NO.
9. WOULD YOU DRINK YOUR PARTNERS URINE IF HE/SHE ASKED? Again, no.
10. DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF A MAN'S/WOMAN'S CUM? What?
11. HAVE YOU TASTED YOUR OWN CUM? Inadvertently of course.
12. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR ASSHOLE LICKED? WOULD YOU OR DO YOU LIKE TO LICK YOUR PARTNERS ASSHOLE? Asshole!!!!!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEXUAL POSITION? WHY? Asshole!!!!
14. DO YOU LIKE PORNOGRAPHY? IF YES, WHAT KIND SPECIFICALLY? Asshole!!!!
15. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE EROSCILLATOR? IF YES, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT? Asshole!!!!
16. HOW MANY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS HAVE YOU HAD? Asshole!!!!
17. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH? Asshoe;l? I'm bored
18. ARE YOU WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER? Christ
19. WHAT IS THE KINKIEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE FOR/WITH SOMEONE?
20. DO YOU HAVE ANY FETISHES? WHAT ARE THEY?
21. ARE YOU A SENSITIVE AND CARING PERSON IN AND OUT OF THE BEDROOM? No.
22. DO YOU TRY TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER OR YOURSELF FIRST DURING SEXUAL PLAY? No.
23. ARE YOU WELL GROOMED IN ALL RESPECTS? yarghhhhhhhhhh
24. ARE YOU VOCAL DURING INTERCOURSE?
25. DO YOU LIKE TO FUCK, HAVE SEX, OR MAKE LOVE?
OK, I give up. These sex polls are for retards only. Let's move on to the retards. I'm trased. Yes, that's right, I said trased.
You are SO not a woman.
Sorry, ya just aint. There isn't a woman on the planet who willingly enjoys cum on her face (and not just to make her idiot man happy), especially not bukake. Derrrr.
Fuck you, sister. I want cum n my face ertday!! Bukake!! Cum on the face!! Woohoo!! Yeeha!!
OK, let's move n to the actual sex poolll responses. Mind you, I'm drunk.
RE: Lame Sex Poll Because I'm Bored
1. AGE/SEX 23 female!
2. ARE YOU SINGLE? MARRIED? DIVORCED? IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP? single
3. HOW OFTEN DO YOU MASTURBATE? every day
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY TO MASTURBATE? night time
5. DO YOU USE TOYS WHEN YOU MASTURBATE? IF YES, DO YOU USE THOSE TOYS WITH YOUR PARTNER AS WELL? some times
6. WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE TO STIMULATE YOU ASIDE FROM YOUR GENITALS? licking my neck
7. HAVE YOU EVER USED FOOD TO ENHANCE SEX? IF YES, WHAT KIND AND HOW? nah
8. HAVE YOU EVER PISSED ON SOMEONE OR BEEN PISSED ON? both
9. WOULD YOU DRINK YOUR PARTNERS URINE IF HE/SHE ASKED? let the dude pee in my mouth once
10. DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF A MAN'S/WOMAN'S CUM? mens cum is ok/ womens is sweeter
11. HAVE YOU TASTED YOUR OWN CUM? fuck yeah all the time, after i cum stick my finger all in it and then suck it off.
12. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR ASSHOLE LICKED? WOULD YOU OR DO YOU LIKE TO LICK YOUR PARTNERS ASSHOLE? i like being licked but once in a blue i'll lick the dude if its clean enough
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEXUAL POSITION? WHY? from behind something so hot in getting it from behind.
14. DO YOU LIKE PORNOGRAPHY? IF YES, WHAT KIND SPECIFICALLY? i'll watch it my ex man had a thing for black girl porn so it kind of stuck with me
15. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE EROSCILLATOR? IF YES, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT? dunno
16. HOW MANY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS HAVE YOU HAD? 2
17. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH? 5
18. ARE YOU WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER? yep
19. WHAT IS THE KINKIEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE FOR/WITH SOMEONE? my bofriend at the time came in my pussy and the girl that was with us, went down and ate me till i cumed with his cum in me.. nasty but hot as hell
20. DO YOU HAVE ANY FETISHES? WHAT ARE THEY? having my boyfriend cum in me while i ride on top
21. ARE YOU A SENSITIVE AND CARING PERSON IN AND OUT OF THE BEDROOM? not in really.. def not in the dedroom
22. DO YOU TRY TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER OR YOURSELF FIRST DURING SEXUAL PLAY? please him first and i get mine everytime
23. ARE YOU WELL GROOMED IN ALL RESPECTS? pussy shaved
24. ARE YOU VOCAL DURING INTERCOURSE? yeah screaming is wack moning is hot
25. DO YOU LIKE TO FUCK, HAVE SEX, OR MAKE LOVE? i love to fuck..do it ruff and hard and dont stop tilll i cum
Be a lady in the street and a nasty slut in the bed and you will keep your man, cause if not ur man will find a girl like me who will do what you won't!!!
Words to live by, ladies. Word to lvie by.
And then there's the realistic poll:
What time will you start drinking? 12:00 p.m.
How many until you get drunk? 9
What will you be drinking? Henny or Vodka
What sort of drunken happening do you think will most likely occur? act
like an ass and probably have sex
Act like an ass and probably have sex. So true, so true.
One last sex poll, and then let's just all go to bed. This is fucking exhausting:
1. How old are you/male or female? 24/m
2. How many people have you slept with?25
3. Lost virginity at what age? 16
4. How many blow jobs/oral sex have you given? Im not too sure on
that
6. How many one nightstands? maybe 6
7. Ever banged your friend's significant other? Yes
8. Ever cheated? Surprisingly i dont
9. How often do you masturbate? once or twice a week
10. What do you masturbate to? usually just thoughts/movies
11. Most forbidden person you wanted to bang? An older chick (40)
12. Ever had a gay/lesbian experience? A 3some me my friend and a
girl..Didnt touch him
13. Like the taste of pussy? yes
14. Like the taste of cum? no
15. Use toys? I will be willing to try light S&M
16. Ever masturbated at work? no
17. Craziest place you've had sex? pier 17 on the 3rd floor of the
mall
18. Like anal? What the Fuck
19. Ever fantasize about being raped? By a hot chick sure
20. Foot fetish? not really
21. Weirdest thing you have masturbated with? IM not sure
22. Met anyone off craigslist and had sex the first night?Brand New
to this
22A. If not, would you? yes
23. How many porn's do you have?3
24. Faked an orgasm? yes
25. Favorite position? i like when the girls on top or when im doing
doggy style..The blumpkin is good too...lol
26. Ever paid for sex? once....Vegas
27. Ever had sex in a club? in a bar bathroom
28. How many is too many? As long as i can keep it up i will go on
forever
29. For men... Ass or tits? I love a nice tight ass no meat
30. Ever had cyber sex? no doesnt get me off
31. Phone sex? somewhat i guess yes
32. Dirtiest fantasy? I would love it with multiple girls..Like a
make houston 500
33. Ever taped yourself? lol..Tried got busted
34. Taken dirty pictures? no
35. Ever had sex with someone and didn't know his or her name? Thats
a 1 night stand...Yes
36. Ever had sex with anyone famous?Very Wealthy people yes..And a
model
37. Feel like masturbating now? not really
38. Fucked a co-worker? yes.... i learned never do that again
39. Feel like meeting the person who wrote this and wonder what horny
fuck is thinking all this crazy shit while working on a proposal? meeting?
Sure
40. Used someone? yes...i felt really bad too ANY GIRLS WANNA MEET
AFTER READING MY TRUTH FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME
You heard it hear ladies … if you wanna meet him after reading his truth -- email him.
I gotta go to bed. So many craigslist sex polls, so little time. I'm drunk. Nighty night.
Happy fucking!
Want More?
Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.
Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.
