back to the Black Table
  Amy Blair    

The other day I came to the realization that my apartment is overcrowded with a lot of crap that I once thought was really funny and therefore had to buy.

I am thus offering up the following items for trade:

  1. One three-foot plastic cup in the shape of a hot dog
  2. Two pink salt shakers in the shape of female breasts
  3. One sake bottle in the shape of a gopher with over-sized testicles
  4. One plastic Spiderman telephone toy. If you lift one arm, the head lights up. When you press the numbers on the phone, it plays "Mary Had A Little Lamb."
  5. One set of coasters with "Cats of Great Britain" on them
  6. One toy cat wearing a sweatshirt that says "I Love Erika." (Hi Erika!).
  7. One serving tray with decorative Cocker Spaniels
  8. One prayer candle that says "Law, Stay Away!"
  9. One Joey Fatone of 'N Sync doll, still in box
  10. One Pianosaurus
  11. One "I'm Loon-y About Minnesota" embroidered plaque
  12. One "Year of the Cock" authentic Chinatown zodiac mug
  13. One "Remember the Alamo" glow-in-the-dark Christmas tree ornament

It's getting to the point that I try to serve someone a cup of coffee, and I have to ask whether they want the reindeer, the Jeopardy, or the "Halfway Decent Coffee Mug" which features a cartoon woman with a skirt and no shirt. When Grandma came to visit, she was SO not amused.

I therefore am offering up all of my "funny" stuff in a straightforward exchange for a nice set of mugs from Crate and Barrel. A couple of tastefully framed Monet prints. And a foot massager for Grandma.

Now let's head into the Barter section of craigslist to find out what other crap people are trying to pawn off on some other sucka…because remember, one man's trash is another man's treasure. Or, pile of crap, as the case may be.

my sweet bartending skills for...?

i'm a certified bartender with experience. i can bartend your party/event/etc. I'm a college girl, very approachable and attractive. Offer me something in return. I usually charge a couple hundred bucks, but I'd like to see what people would offer. An ipod, a nice juicer/blender, an interesting piece of furniture, stones tickets, a bicycle, a nice bottle of wine, etc. make an offer, I'm sure we can work something out. if you don't have anything cool to offer but would like to have my presence at your party anyway, e-mail me! bye!

Dear Approachable, Attractive College Girl:

It is not now, nor has it ever been OK to describe pouring a glass of wine as "sweet bartending skills." And nobody is going to give you a juicer to open beers at their party. Get over yourself. What you are is a shot-girl. Now put on a tight tank top, and give me two Buttery Nipples and a Lemon Drop. Pronto.


looking for someone to take a basic chemistry exam


This person needs a LOT of help. Not only can they not do chemistry, but they also don't know the definition of the word "barter." (Exchange of GOODS, sweetheart, not money).

Honey, I'm not going to take your exam for cash…but throw in an interesting piece of furniture or a juicer and I'm there. (Um, balancing equations? Periodic Table? Carbon Dioxide? Totally!).

Oh, Daddy would be so proud to know that his tuition money and allowance to live in New York are going to good use…

I have pure silk ties: Armani, Bally, Fendi

I have a baker's dozen of pure silk, hand made ties, all new, some retailed at $100, I will trade for almost anything. THings I need:

4:20 material
a couch or floor to sleep for a day or two while visiting NY

For a couple of ties that this person bought on Canal Street (Five for $10!!! Authentic Armeni and Fandi!!!), you can have this homeless pot head sleep on your couch for two days…what a deal! Who could pass this up?

i need my bathroom cleaned, you need

help, need my bathroom cleaned this evening, you need?

I need you to stop being such an asshole, and to just go out and buy some Soft Scrub and clean your own damn piss off the toilet.

Ps. Having a clean bathtub has not EVER gotten a loser laid.

Massage Therapy for Exotic Dancing Lessons

Hi...I am a female massage therapist looking to exchange with a female who can teach me exotic dancing. I am a naturally good dancer...just need some moves.

Lady, if ANYONE responds to this ad, you need to turn around and post in the 'Erotic Services' section. I guarantee you can charge a thousand bucks a head and come up with no less than ten grand if you charge admission to this event. Chicks teaching each other stripper moves and then rubbing each other down? It's a freaking porno. Amazing.

===Can I haul your stuff to Burning Man? === - $4 (palo alto)

===Can I haul your stuff to Burning Man? ===
===Can I haul your stuff to Burning Man? ===

Can I haul your stuff to Burning Man?
Let's barter for something of value!


It is that time again…'to start the planning!

I will be taking a trailer to Burning Man. I rent the space in my trailer out to offset the cost of the expense. I offer the service of hauling your stuff up to the playa.

That is right… I bring the trailer, I pack it, I drive it, I unload it at your camp, I pick it up after the Burn, and I bring it back to your house, and you get to FEEL GOOD about helping me create the experience I seek while you get a stress free drive up to the playa! (I am sometimes TOO generous with being helpful, I sometimes forget to stop after unloading and help to assemble and set up camp, etc...!!!)

Sound good…'read on!

Trailer space is $4 per cubic foot (Length*Width*Height*$4)
Bikes are a flat rate of $35
Stuff must be packed in sturdy containers that can be moved by 1-2 people
Awkward shaped art projects can be considered…'tell me what you are making, and we will figure it out.
If you want it picked up at your house it will be $25-$50, plus .39 per mile from my office. Same with drop off after the burn.
Or you can drop it off at my office in Mountain View by Aug. 25th, and agree to pick it up by Sept. 8th.
To reserve your space you must send me a 50% deposit, and pay the remainder when I get your stuff.
I am also open to bartering, possibly for 2 more tickets to the playa! Or???
I also am open to a one-way transport option as well!
I will be going up Saturday the 27th, and returning Tuesday the 6th. You must have an address on the playa that I can deliver it to upon my arrival, or arrange to come and get it once my truck is parked in my camp.

I will have roughly 250-300 cu. ft of space to rent,PLUS I can take up to 10 bikes. The trailer dimensions are 5 by 8 by 10 ft. (400 cu. ft.)

Please send me an email with your estimated space needs, if you are interested!

Thanks for reading!

Mr. Helpful
ps-thank you to the guy who gave me this idea!

Let's do the math, Mr. Helpful.

Say I get you to transport my large chunk of butter to 'the playa,' which I plan to use for my all-female hippie butter sex desert wrestling art project.

And let's say I want you to pick it up from my house, and I live 20 miles from your office. Now let's say this butter is 3 feet long, 4 feet high, and 2 feet wide. At $4 per cubic foot, that's $96. If you add on the $50 surcharge to have it picked up at my house, that's $146. Plus the $.39 per mile for the 20 miles I live from your office…we're looking at…a shitload of money. Sounds like you're the only 'playa' here.

Hey, anyone want a "Smile, Jesus Loves You!" water bottle? Cause I've got, like, twelve of them and I'd be totally willing to part with them for some Stones tickets or an iPod!


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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.