back to the Black Table
  Amy Blair    

So, a couple of days ago I'm sitting at my desk at work, minding my own business, typing away mindlessly, not bothering anyone…when a woman who I have never seen before in my life walks up to me and asks me if there are any other bathrooms she can use, nodding towards the one and only women's restroom in the place.

"Uh, no, that's the only one," I say, hesitantly. "Why?"

"Umm, cause that one's, like, demolished."

Demolished? Demolished?! With the bold, stupid courage of a woman walking into a lion's den wearing a meat dress, I entered the bathroom. To my horror and amazement, someone had filled one of the toilets to the top with a horrifyingly large amount of what appeared to be…elephant shit. With the gag reflexes kicking in, I turned my gaze to the other stall…in which I found that someone had…crapped on the floor. That's right. Someone POOPED on the stall floor in the women's restroom at my office. With that said, this week we're looking at fuckkkkkked up co-workers on Craigslist. Happy Pooping, friends.


Things you do that make my day a living hell:

1— When you get on the phone with vendors and start SCREAMING into the phone. If i am on the phone myself, I have to hang up, because even with the volume up, I can't hear the person on the other end.

2— When you open a drawer in one of our billing cabinets to take something out, just take it out, look at it, and put it back where it belongs. Do not leave the drawer open for an hour because thats when u are planning on putting the file back!!!

3— You constantly talk to yourself and make strange noises.You sound like a goddam furby. And when something goes wrong, i can hear you at ur desk, again at the top of your vocal capacity, saying "shit, oh, DAMN" I have to put music on just to drown you out.

4— When you sit down to eat lunch, sit down to eat lunch for crying out loud. Dont walk around the office with food in ur mouth and crumbs everywhere because you are "too busy" to eat lunch.

5— But alas, you are not too busy to take time out to read your novels, or fall asleep in your chair and SNORE!

6— Speaking of snoring, you work 12 hr. days everyday, and tell everyone how busy you are. Maybe if you werent busy reading and taking naps, you wouldnt have to work so many hours.

7— You speak incessantly about your nieces and their wonderful husbands and babies. No one gives a shit. If they are so great, retire and spend time with them.

8— When my friend comes to visit me in my office, we are speaking at a normal tone, and you tell us we are distracting YOU???? Please see #1.

9— And we cant forget all of this is in a staten island accent

10— You started screaming when someone put 3 hole punch paper in the copy machine

11— You are not my boss. so stop asking what i am doing or tracking the days i take off.

12— You call people, including me and say hi, client name........(long pause) ummmm.....and then you proceed with the question- here is a tip, gather your thoughts before you call someone.

13— You call the front desk and ask if amy john or steve are in. then you call them back to ask if joe or al are in. They have a list!!! Its 2 feet away from where you sit.

14— Not only do you leave drawers open, but you slam them.

15— You call me to ask me how to do the simplest things. And if you are in word, and click open, and ask why you cant open an excel document, or have a word document open and ask if you have to save it in word, i am going to scream!!!!!

16— Your expressions, like "what in blue blazes"

17— You own a ton of property, have your own home and a store, work 90 hrs a week, and say how you "will never be able to retire".

18— You complain if i put on makeup or do my hiar in the bathroom. Hello, some of us like to fix ourselves up.

19— You look for people in the bathroom. If they are in the bathroom, they are busy.

20— Modern technology. You wont use voicemail, email or even post it notes when you have to talk to someone. No, you will either call other ppl to ask if they have seen joe, or walk all around the office until you find him.

21— When you say you are leaving early, to you that means 6:00. 6:00 is not early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

22— And, you never take a day off. You will come to work with a whopping cough.

23— Your chair makes a popping sound everytime you get up, and of course, you get up, every 5 seconds.

24— you give me a dirty look when i wear something low cut. Dont be jealous just because you are too old.

You are not anyone's boss, and you are not important. Do us all a favor, do your work, be quiet, and go home.

Listen, lady, I'm with you up to a point on this one, but honestly it IS really annoying when people leave 3-hole punch paper in the copier! Almost as annoying as when people leave their dirty coffee mugs and Tupperware containers in the sink! Which is practically as bad as when people use their speaker phone for no reason other than that they're too lazy to hold the receiver in their hand! Which bugs me nearly as much as…shit, I'm turning into a fucking Dilbert cartoon.

Hey, you know what's worse than someone leaving the filing cabinet open for an hour after they take out a file? Someone taking a dump on the bathroom floor! (What in blue blazes?!?).


i'm reading a book about a physical and sensory disorder with behavioral side effects. so many of the symptoms are similar to the things i feel. so many. finding out i have this disorder would mean that all the good things in my social behavior were mechanically learned, even the way i make my emotions visible. sad.

co-worker: you're tall, skinny and all. we sit very close to one another so please don't fart so much. when you walk in in the morning with your soda and dessert or whatever shit you eat that is certainly delicious and doesn't make you fat but would certainly make me fat, don't say hi and then fart silently. i smell it. and it's unpleasant. don't walk around the office after you've farted if you need to come near my desk. don't come near my desk and then fart. don't go to the fax machine and fart. the machine is right in front of my desk. please don't fart so much.

roommate: we were friends before we moved in and i am glad we found an apt large enough to give us both some privacy. i didn't know what a sheep you could be. i go on alert mode everytime you start a sentence with "i wonder." the other day i mentioned i was going to europe with someone and you said "i wonder if i should come." i really wanted to say "i wonder if i should invite you, and then you can wonder ad nauseum whether you should come or not." instead, i just told the other person that you wanted to come and we both pretended to consider it.

you freaked out when i was taking sips of alcohol here and there, at home, just because you wouldn't join me and drinking alone is a sign of alcoholism. you also hinted that the time of day was improper to start drinking. try not to have your nose so high up, you bitch, because the following day you drank alone too and you started in the fucking morning. and the day after, you said "i wonder if it's too early to start drinking." i know that you were expecting me to say something supportive so you could drink guiltless. my support never came and i could tell you really wanted it because it just hung in the air. i saw you do the "i wonder" thing too many times and i won't go along anymore.

you kindda have this attitude everytime you ask me how much my clothes cost. i don't quite know how to describe it. when i say that a shirt cost 20, you kindda sneer and tell me you wouldn't buy a shirt for more than 12.50. because it's much cheaper in boston. as for my pants, you sneer too when i tell you that they cost 30 or 40, because you wouldn't buy one for more than 20. oh, because it's that much cheaper in boston. well, i live in NY. and now, so do you. i can't wait to see how you'll cope when you have to hunt for sales to find decent pants at less than 30, because NY is that expensive and nice office pants --that won't desintegrate with one wash and will make you look nice-- are much more than the mere 30 i spend.

and please, don't ever judge me about spending money on clothes because you just bought $40 dollar flip flops. oh, no, you got them because they are from a good brand. and then you started being self deprecating to the point when i couldn't take it anymore and said that it wans't such a big deal. as with the "i wonder" thing, i've noticed that your being self deprecating is just another manipulating tool. i won't go along with it anymore either. $40 flip flops... give me a break!

also, come down your high chair when it comes to unhealthy food. you sneer if i buy ice-cream. then you eat it, from the container, and finish it. you wanted to throw away my cake because it's just empty calories. i fucking know it's empty calories. leave it where it is. and i know you will take a bite from it, like you did with the ice-cream and the nutella. so don't judge, especially if you're going to do it too. i don't judge you when you smoke, do i?

I have no idea what a physical and sensory disorder is, but I do know a thing or two about farting co-workers. I have found that it's helpful in eliminating this problem if you hold your nose and scream "Ewww! Somebody farted!" when the offender walks by. Next time, I guarantee, they'll do their farting like a normal person…in the boss' office.

As for the rest of your problems, I think you're going to need more than a pop-psychology book, honey. Get a good shrink…or at least some Ritalin and gin. Works for me!


Should I tell my boss that I am in love with him since day one? He is very tough; however he keeps on smiling and making a lot of compliments to pretty my face is cute I am ...and... what should I wear tomorrow at work... I know he likes me...but I do not want to be the first to break the ice...Would Be nice if I would tell him the truth? Also, I do want to have a professional "behavior"- since I got this job- I am smiling, having a good time not only at work but also at home too. Again, I am so in love with him, and he breaks my heart every single friday he leaves... Please tell me what should I do? To turn my back and keep ignoring his advances, or just tell him the truth...Thank you for reading my add, and good luck to all of you...

Yes, I'm thinking that this is an excellent idea. You should definitely tell him you like him. I mean, what could go wrong? I know it's hard to have a professional "behavior" when your boss is telling you how cute you are and what you should wear to work everyday…so you go girl! Rock on with your bad self! Tell that big tough boss of yours you've got the hots for him. This is gonna turn out…awesome. Promise.


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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.