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  WEEK IN CRAIG: THE ABSOLUTELY NO BALLS WHATSOEVER CONTEST.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

A couple of days ago, I was out shopping when I suddenly found myself startled by a man banging on the glass storefront of the store I was in while frantically attempting to signal to one of the security guards inside. Bypassing all three of the 100% UNLOCKED doors of the store, he was attempting to (with an obvious lack of success) pull open the only LOCKED door in the entire store. The fatigued security guard attempted to signal to him to try one of the other doors to no avail. When the security guard finally walked over to the frantic man I overheard him asking the guy why he didn't try one of the doors that said "entrance," instead of the one and only door that said "exit." His response? "Oh. Sorry, dude."

On Tuesday, I went to go vote in the New York City Democratic Primary. The lady at the table for my election district asked me my name and I clearly told her "Amy Blair." "Amy Blair," she responded, "that's an easy one to remember." "Yes, I said, yes it is," not really knowing what else to say. She then proceeded to flip through the book of registrants (alphabetized A-L, by last name) page by painstaking page. I remained patient. When she reached the last page of the book, she asked me "what did you say your first name was again?" "First name?" I asked. "Amy. My first name is Amy. Last name is Blair. B-L-A-I-R. Blair." She then began flipping through the book, page by page again, seemingly reading every single entry in it. Finally reaching the end of the book a second time she said "I'm sorry, I don't see any Amy's in here." She then picked up the M-Z book, and began to thumb through that one. Finally, at the end of my patience, I let her know that she wasn't going to find me in the M-Z book, as my last name starts with the letter "B," and the books are alphabetized by last name. "Oh really?" she asked. "Alphabetized by last name?" She then found my name in the book and thanked me for my help. She hadn't realized that's how it worked until then. The polls, by the way, had been open for thirteen hours at that point.

This week's column is dedicated to those realllllllllly dense Missed Connections. You'll see why in a second.

Dan, manager, Banana Republic

I am trying to locate an old flame who won't disappear from my head. He crashed into me a few years back and I am still trying to shake him. I miss the guitar, the Bleeker Street bar, the Apple Store.

Anyone know Dan L., the ladies floor manager at the BR Flagship Store?

Ok, so you know his name. You know where he works. For god's sake … you even used to date him. You've been thinking about him recently. But instead of, uh, I don't know, going into the store and saying Hi, you decide to post a creepy-weird Missed Connection on craigslist asking if anyone knows him? Ummm, hello, Einstein. I know, sometimes thinking is, like, hard and stuff…but really.

Heather from King Kullen - m4w

You are so pretty. Everytime I shop I wait so I can go to your isle. I wish I wasn't so shy.
I have so many questions I should ask you, I really want to know about you.
I love your smile and the way your eyes seem to glow when you look at me.
Am I too old for you?
Do you have a boyfriend?
Can I take you out, we would have so much fun.

So, you've got the hots for Heather who works in the produce aisle at King Kullen. Do you…

a) Tell her that you've seen her at the grocery store a few times and you were wondering if she'd get a drink with you, or

b) Dramatically admire her from afar, reveling in the poetic sadness of the grocery store love that could not be…OR

c) Write a Jeffery Dahmer-ish Missed Connection on craigslist that will certainly make Heather run in fear every time a man asks her how much the bananas are per pound in the future.

Ding ding ding! The correct answer is C, craigslisters! C! "I have so many questions I should ask you, I really want to know about you." Creep-o-rama!

55 JOHN STREET - YOU WORK IN A LAWYERS OFFICE - m4w - 29

I see you almost every day around noon - You go out for lunch and a cigarette. Then I see you almost every night at the FedEx place next to Starbuks around 5pm. Im the guy that gives the 55 John st. security guard a lunch break every day. I always say hello to you and you back. I always want to talk to you more but technically, I'm at work and shouldnt be doing those things.. lol.. Anyway, you definetly caught my eye.. You also seem like a really down to earth woman.. someone I'd like to get to know further.. I dont know your situation, if your with anybody or not, but next time you see me at Starbuks, stick around and lemme buy you a cup of coffee and take things from there.

Ok, so this one's another total no-brainer … the guy knows exactly where she works, what her schedule is, where she goes after work … and yet he's posting on craigslist instead of just asking her out. And yet … I'm strangely finding this one to be … almost … dare I say it? Cute? It's probably because I have PMS, but I'm kind of rooting for the security guard-guy.

I know, I know, I'll probably feel differently after I menstruate. (How many times have I said that? Sigh).

bryant park restaurant hostess - m4w

to the black haired girl who hostesses at the U P place in bryant park - I ate there the other day and think you're beautiful.

Hey, lady at the Bryant Park U P place … some douche bag thinks you're the cat's meow. Yawn. Yawn, yawn, yawn.

lolita bartender - m4m - 27

hey.

i see you around the neighborhood ... you bartend at lolita sundays and tuesdays (maybe other nights?) ... dark short hair ... cartilage piercing ... were reading _one flew over the cuckoo's nest_ a while back.

are you queer? single?

xx

Oh lord, another one. Hey, if anyone goes to Lolita on Sunday, let the bartender know that someone on craigslist has expressed some serious flaccid-pussy admiration for him. I'm sure he'll be thrilled. Ho hum.

To the hostess working at Veniero's on E 11th and 1st tonight - m4w - 29

Yeah you... the brunette with the beautiful eyes who asked me about my shirt... how badly did i want to ask you for your number?

The answer is *very* badly.

Let me buy you dinner and you can have the shirt...

Honey, I'm sure she was totally enthralled by your shirt and, like, wasn't just interested in getting a good tip at all … but I bet this craigslist ad is going to TOTALLY work.

Good lord.

And finally, the winner of the Absolutely No Balls Whatsoever Contest is…

Queens Long Island Medical Group in Elmhurst - m4w - 35

This is to the lady that works behind the billing counter/ TCBO. I think you are beautiful. I am the guy that works on the phones there, I always try to make eye contact with you just so I can see that beautiful smile. I have worked in every one of qlimg locations and nobody melts my heart the way you do. If someone else sees this that either goes there or works there, I hope they can find there way to show it to you. I am not trying to hit on you or anything like that, but I wanted you to know.

Oy, vey.

 

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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.