back to the Black Table
  Amy Blair    

Used furniture is, by nature, used. You are buying it, therefore, with the understanding that it is potentially damaged, you can't return it, there's no warranty, and somebody else's cat may have peed on it at some unknown point in the past.

However, you are taking your chances and buying it…because it is cheap. Because you are poor. Because between rent, student loan payments and whiskey binges, you have no choice but to sleep on a futon that you bought on craigslist for fifty bucks. You simply can't afford anything else.

That's the point of buying things secondhand. Unless they are antique or collector's items, you buy things used because you must. Nobody parks their ass on somebody else's fifteen year old sofa bed because they want to.

With that said, there are an inordinate amount of jackasses on craigslist attempting to sell their crappy old furniture for obscene amounts of money. And perhaps it's because I've got the female troubles this week, but I'm finding it inordinately annoying. So this week we're sending a great big fuck you very much to each and every moron asking for $750 for their shitty, used bed. I don't care if it cost $900 new. The minute your ass slept on it became worth $25. Tops.


Perfect condition original french cherry dresser with 6 large drawers and 2 small ones. bought from bloomingdales, imported from france as markings on back indicate. measures 65" long 20" deep 34" high. paid $5500.

I find it really hard to believe that ANYONE would be dumb enough to buy this dresser for $5500. (Oh wait, it's imported from France! And therefore, like, totally worth it. Oui oui!). But to ask for $3500 for it ($3500?? Did he really say $3500??) is just fucking absurd. Listen, dude. Put down the crack pipe. This dresser's worth sixty-five dollars on a good day at the Salvation Army. And it would look really nice in my Grandma's house with a couple of her quaint little doilies on top of it.

Custom sectional sofa - $350

Facing the Thayer Coggin designer sofa:
Right Arm piece measures 81 inches
Left Arm piece (right hight back forms the corner) measures 87 inches
The coach comfortably seats five people.
The fabric is a marblized pattern of gray and soft pastel colors.
The coach is truly in mint condition (no stains or wear to this extremely durable fabric).

Does anyone remember when Demi Moore's character in St. Elmo's Fire goes on a cocaine-addled shopping spree and decorates her apartment with all of this fantastically horrific 80s pink furniture that she can't afford? That's what this couch reminds me of…I loved Jules (Demi's character) and I lusted after her pink apartment as a kid. But do I want to throw down $350 for a couch with a "marbleized pattern of gray and soft pastel colors" in 2005? Eh, who am I kidding -- throw in the octagonal glass coffee table and you've got yourself a deal.

Trinkets & KnickKnacks - $7

I'm moving out and I'm selling all of these four items:

Candle lamp tin cat.
Wooden Blue Box with Mosaic tile on lid.
Tin Mail Box.
Wooden Shelf/Coat Hanger.

Unpainted Wood shelf.
Varnished Coat Hanger.

Each is $7 but if you take them all you can hace it all for $24

Thank you


Wow, a tin cat for just seven bucks? All of these goodies for the unbeatable low price of $24? Somebody pinch me, I must be dreaming.

Large COFFEE TABLE - Distressed Hard Wood

Beautifully Distressed Hardwood Plantation Coffee Table (from Crate & Barrel)

DIMENSIONS: H 20" x L 58" x W 36"

Asking in the $200 range -- or make an offer!!

Is this REALLY from Crate and Barrel? Or did you get this at a garage sale in New Jersey for five bucks and now you're trying to sell it on craigslist for $200 simply by saying it's from Crate and Barrel? Hate to break it to ya, but Crate and Barrel or not, this coffee table's fugly.

Atomic 1950's -1960's RETRO Boomerang Chair VINTAGE - $250

This is an awesome chair, but do to lack of space I must part with it. Great 50's looks with the sides made of boomergand pieces, chair is in great condition and in that bright olive 1950's color with danish modern teak-ish feat. You can make the cussions solid green or the flower print. I also made a slip cover for both cussions out of retro fabric, which I will include. I live in a fourth floor walk up, and will not be able to help move the chair due to an injury, chair is not very heavy however. I am out a lot, so please contact me if you are very serious. I tried to take a lot of pictures because I'm not going have time to show the chair a lot. Thanks for looking and hopefully I'll be sending this home with you soon.

$250? Are you freaking kidding me? Granted, in some circles this chair could be considered "funky" or "cool." But this is the kind of chair that you either pick up on the side of the road or inherit from your grandparents when they move into the nursing home. Call it a "boomerang" chair and Danish Modern all you want…it's still ain't worth $250, sister. Put a naked Brad Pitt in that chair and maybe I'll buy it for $250…maybe.

Ikea armoire, nice condition, 1 year old - $89

I'm moving out of NYC and selling my 1 year old Ikea armoire, 20" deep x 31" wide x 70" tall, maple laminate with frosted panel doors, 1 shelf and 1 hanging bar inside, hold your clothes and jackets/coats neatly instead of on the floor, $89 and FREE shipping.

Ok, call me crazy, but this armoire retails NEW for $79.99 at Ikea. How you gonna try to charge someone $89 for a USED Ikea armoire (which everybody knows isn't exactly built to last) when you could just go to Ikea yourself and get one new for $10 less?

You people kill me. Call me a curmudgeonly old bitch (you wouldn't be the first!), but I'm sticking to garage sales in the suburbs. (How else could I afford my lavish whiskey binges?).


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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.