back to the Black Table
           
  WEEK IN CRAIG: READ BUT DON'T TOUCH.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

An Open Letter To The Friends of Amy Blair:

Let’s just get something straight here once and for all…I don’t intend to hump any of you. Had I wanted you to pork me, I would have made my intentions clear from the get-go. At this point, if you haven’t either gotten the signal (loud and clear) and/or gotten a taste of my sweet, drunk love already, it ain’t gonna happen. Ever.

There are a couple of reasons for this. Perhaps I find your face pleasant enough, but your body just doesn’t bring me to my knees. Maybe our personalities are compatible, but you like girls with curly hair and I like guys who can operate power tools better than I can. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be: When I was single, you had a girlfriend. When you lived in Arizona, I was in France. You were in love with my best friend, when all along it was supposed to be Me, Me, Me.

Maybe the stars just weren’t…aligned.

Or maybe you secretly think I’m selfish, and I find you selfless…and it’s boring. Maybe we could have been so beautiful, could have been so right…we love each other and are the best of friends…but for whatever reason, we just…don’t wanna bang.

Let’s face it. We’re strictly platonic. Your Polish sausage will never meet my bearded little clam.

OK, pal? Got it?

Ladies to Hang Out With - w4ww – 48

I'm an attractive female (full-figure), and definitely not a stuffy older person. I understand that life has its ups and downs, I just try to have more ups than downs. Therefore, I am looking for other ladies to hang out with, do activities (I like the usual things), have some fun, network, check out men, and socialize. Age and race are unimportant, but please do not smoke or use drugs. Social drinking is acceptable. I am like the typical person who wants to get out and have some fun, while staying within a budget. Only if you're a woman, please write and tell me a bit about yourself, and I will reciprocate. Hope to hear from you soon. Take care, and have a great day.

Oh my God, this lady is my total, new B.F.F! (Best Friend Forever, for all of you old people, boys, and nerdy chicks). I’m so pumped. I always wanted an overweight, tightfisted, penny-pinching friend who is “like the typical person who wants to get out and have some fun, while staying within a budget.” The coincidence is almost too much, but I ALSO love to do activities (like the usual things)!

PS. Checking out men? Oh la la!

lonely and plenty of movies and yes platonic - m4w

i'm in a nice hotel plenty of pay per view movies but would love to watch it with someone. yes this is platonic. any takers ?

Good god, this is depressing.

But you know, this happened to me once. I took some hydrocodone and suddenly felt lighter, more free…sure, I couldn’t shit for 3 days afterward, but it totally got me out of the hotel room. And a great lesson was learned: There’s more to New York City than pay-per-view movies in a shitty hotel.

Thank me later.

highly unusual - highly intelligent - & sometimes highly intimidating - w4m - 29

CAVEAT EMPTOR: i am a highly unusual and highly intelligent (too-smart-for-my-own-good) woman... please read the ENTIRE ad...

what i want to do: meet a nice, unusually educated, deep and intelligent guy and hang out - at your place... i want to have a REAL conversation about REAL issues, chill, or perhaps watch a movie...

about me: i am just damn cool... i can tell you why silicone toys should only be used with water based lube... i performed at the apollo to resounding applause... i can tie a cherry stem in a knot using only my mouth... i am vivacious, cute, outgoing, confident, tenacious, intelligent, creative, forthright realist, down to earth, bold, over the top, civic minded, liberal, unpredictable, worldly, well traveled, well read, well educated, hysterical, multifaceted, witty, cynical, street smart,people smart, sweet, easy going, loquacious, animated, and expressive... i'll tell you everything you want to know and a few things you don't.... about you: between 24 and 34... someone against the grain... someone who is not a cookie cut-out... someone who abhors shallowness... someone who is down to earth... someone who is unpretentious... an intelligent, worldly, sane, funny, well educated, well adjusted, deep conversationalist who thinks and has original ideas on life and the world...
n.b. i am not looking for a random date, random sex, or a boyfriend...i am a big girl...
keywords: big, large, heavy, plus size, full figured, bbw, ssbbw, usbbw, fat, fluffy, pillowesque

What the hell is with the morbidly obese chicks of this fucking city?!

Listen, sister, stop trying to overcompensate for your ugly fat face by thinking you’re so fucking smart and fantastic in bed. Owning a vibrator and being able to tie a fucking cherry stem in a knot with your mouth does not turn some annoying “pillowesque” chick into Jenna Jameson. Oh wait, but you’re not looking for a date, sex, or a boyfriend. Righttttttttttttttttt.

Shoe Advice -m4w36

I have a shoe slave and it is time for me once again to get her shoes.
I want evening sandals with a 3.5-4 inch heel.
Do you think Charles David or Cole Haan is the superior choice?

W, w, w, wait just a second there…did you say…shoe slave? Call me Prudey McPrudepants all you want, but just what exactly is a shoe slave? And just what does one have to do to qualify to become one?

I really, really, reallllllllllly like shoes. And, I consider myself an…entrepreneur of sorts. So here’s what I want to know. Does anyone out there want to buy me some shoes? I’ll wear them. And I’ll totally take dirty, slutty pictures of my feet. And I’ll totally send them to you. All in exchange for some pretty, fancy little shoes. Any takers? Slavery never sounded so good.

Seriously. Any takers?

By the way, what this has to do with the Strictly Platonic section of craigslist, is beyond me…so don’t bother asking me.

**** LOOKING FOR FELLOW ONLINE ROLE PLAY GAMERS!!

Some of you may recall the old text based role playing games like Zork or doors on local BBS's. Or maybe you enjoy role playing games and dungeon and dragons? Now, I am a normal guy who is addicted to a free web based role playing game called fall of nations. You basically earn turns and gold and try and build up your army and attack others to steal gold. There is a ranking and guilds and all! It is actually pretty cool, especially if you want to kill time during the day at work.

Anyways, this it not really like those porn site games you see where I get money for hitting you with a money shot or something. Sure I get like 100 warriors added to my army, but no big deal. It just an awesome game I wanted to pass on!!

And no, this is not spam. Email me and you will know!!

[INSERT LITTLE HUMPING STORM TROOPER HERE]

Sadly, like half of my friends would probably be totally into this. And they wonder why we’re strictly platonic…

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.