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  Amy Blair    
   
 

Dear Santa,

As impossible as it may seem, it's actually December (wtf?). Which means I've got but one thing on my mind…getting stuff! I'm giving you a few weeks notice to make sure you don't screw it up like you did in years past (thanks again for that subscription to "Reader's Digest" and those fucking moose slippers)…ahem. Anywho, to avoid confusion, this year I'm spelling out exactly what it is I want…

Without further ado, I present, Amy Blair's Magical Special Holiday Wish List 2006!!! (Prepared early, with loving care, for your convenience).

  1. Pickles, all varieties.
  2. Books about forensics and the solving of crimes. Non-fiction only.
  3. A Roomba.
  4. The new Kelly Clarkson cd.
  5. Little House on the Prairie Season 2 DVD collection (I already have Season 1).
  6. One of those jewelry boxes with a little ballerina inside that plays music when you open it.
  7. Bourbon.
  8. Tiki Barber ladies jersey, size medium (mmm, Tiki).
  9. Mrs. Fields peppermint bark.
  10. Home foot spa.
  11. Books about freemasons, again, non-fiction only.
  12. Hitachi Magic Wand massager, for my aching neck (obv).
  13. A blender. I always wanted one of those.

Ping and Pong would like some cat nip and some sparkly mice.

SANTA PLEASE SEND ME A GIRLFRIEND FOR XMAS - 45

DEAR SANTA
I HAVE BEEN LONLEY FOR WHILE AND KNOW I HAVE BEEN BAD ALOT OF TIMES BUT CAN YOU PLEASE SEND ME A GIRLFRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE IT DOOES NOT MATTER MUCH AS LONG AS SHE WOULD LOVE ME AND CARE FOR ME .PLEASE TELL HER AS YOU KNOW I AM 5'10 SHORT BRN HAIR GREEN EYES MOUSTACHE AND A NICE GUY SOMTIMES IMATURE AND PLAYFUL BUT MOST OF THE TIME SERIOUS OPENMINDED AND CARING AND HONEST I DONT PLAY GAMES OR EVER HURT ANYONE'S FEELINGS PLEASE SANTA

I'm pretty sure that I saw this mustachioed heartbreaker on an episode of Cold Case Files a few weeks ago. He may not ever hurt anyone's feelings, but he'd probably cut off your head and save it in his freezer…because he loves you. Aww!

(Yikes).

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, ( sitting on his lap and looking right into his eyes)

My wish is that you bring me a caring and sensuous friend for Christmas.

I have always dreamed of having a man whos romantic, shows up with roses and picks restaurants / places to delight in : based on romance appeal - restaurants that have elegant candles on the table and dont serve up any type of hamburgers and fries what so ever. Places where getting dolled up, actually counts.

If you find me this loving and sweet guy, I will make him happy. Because I know you will pick a man for me that non-smothering but at the same time very attentive to my all my desires in a man and my needs as a woman.

I promise to leave you something extra delicious this year, more than just the cookies and milk, I will make you...

Smile

PS : Santa give me his pic and info so that I can think of him often, tell him that I dont read letters that are one line long / say nothing of interest about him or are ( cut and paste ).... And let him know also that I am the type of person that thinks each new day, brings something beautifull and in this case I hope it brings....

someone very special

Thank You Santa

Listen you batshit whore, this whole sitting on Santa's lap fantasy crap is just totally not ok. Santa is not like that. Santa is a jolly old soul who lives at the North Pole and brings presents to all the good children of the world.

Is nothing sacred anymore? Righto.

Santa bring my baby home

Im looking for a girl that will make everyday feel like christmas. To wake up and know that I have the one gift that all are searching for, the gift of love...
A women of honesty, loyality are the first on my list then looks and personality, someone who can just enjoy nights together at home instead of having to go out there and party all night long. My attractions go towards the very feminine and attractive women. To all my butch women , you are all wonderful but im needing that feminine touch.
Im an extremely loving person who will do what ever it takes to keep my honey smiling. Im honest in all I do. Just looking for the "one" and I hope I can find my baby out there somewhere. I know she's looking for me too, just hope out hearts come together at once.

I feel kind of shallow. This chick is searching for "the gift of love," and all I want more than anything in the world is a self-propelling robotic vacuum that cleans the floors while I loaf about watching Court TV and eating Peppermint Bark. She wants "that feminine touch," while I'm content with a jar of pickles and a Giants game. She hopes "out hearts come together at once," while I'd settle for a Wild Turkey on the rocks (extra rocks, please). Am I a bad person?

Oopsies, I broke a nail! Moving on.

oh santa ive been a good boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - 44

my christmas wish santa is to meet a special lady for special passionate love
i have been miserably married for 24 yr and its time to move on santa,i waited and waited for you to open her eyes but you never did.
you owe me you fat bastard.i mean i waited 24 yrs for you to send me a passionate lady and im tired.
if i see your ass coming down my chimney this year and you dont have my special lady,im gonna kick your ass and shoot your reindeer.
im tired of feeling lonely and miserable,its time for me to live and run away with that special lady.
please understand santa,i dont mean to be cruel or harsh but i waited so patiently.
its my year ,right?
im 6ft blond handsome husky,kjust an old fashioned average guy who needs love.

this is in or around pleaseeeeeeeeeee

Spare the reindeer! The poooooooooooor innocent reindeer!

CELTIC SANTA SEEKING SNOW BUNNY - 40

BIG OLE IRISH SANTA W/RED CHEEKS ..PLUMP BELLY..BIG OLE SHOULDERS LOOKING FOR CUTE SASSY SNOW BUNNY FOR HOT CHOCOLATE NITES AND IRISH FRY MORNINGS...HELP DELIVER THOSE PRESENTS AND DON'T LET ME GO BACK TO THE NORTH POLE ALONE...NYC IS WINTER TOWN ..LET'S ENJOY IT TOGETHER AND MAYBE...JUST MAYBE START A TRIBE OF ELVES OF OUR OWN....HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Isn't that just…precious? Aw, hell, I'm not getting any younger, and we're in Winter Town after all. Put an elf in my baby-maker and let's hit the yule log. Santa, baby, you know where to find me.

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.