back to the Black Table
           
  WEEK IN CRAIG: WRITE BACK TO DADDY...OR HE'LL KILL YOU.  
  Amy Blair    
   
 

So, hey, has anyone ever noticed just how many blatant serial killers there are on craigslist? Seriously? It's out of control.

Why aren't people getting chopped up, like, everyday because of this website? As far as I'm concerned, it should be illegal. Unless you find that sort of thing to be…sexy.

Gulp.

I'd write more, but these sick fuckers more than speak for themselves.

Bad Boy + Sexy Girl = Hot Weekend - 31

You will find joy, being treated like a lady.
You will assume the position.
You will enjoy the conversation
You will whimper as I enter you mouth.
You will love the roses delivered.
You will try as I touch the back of your throat.
You will bask in how I surround your body in mine, holding.
You will wonder if you can take the prolonged pumping.
You will look forward to telling me secrets because you can trust me.
You will beg me to take you back there.
You will want to hear my story.
You will like my sweat dripping on to you.
You will feel the emotional trust we've earned.
You will wonder if you can take all that's spreading you.
You will look forward to my voice in the morning.
You will scream when you shake.
You will be faithful and expect the same.
You will beg me to feel you with my seed.
You will not be afraid of a LTR.

31, 5'11", swm, Professional, good looking expecting the same.

Waiting for you.

"You will find joy, being treated like a lady. You will assume the position." Can I just repeat that for emphasis? "You will find joy, being treated like a lady. You will assume the position."

Righto!

Anyway, does anyone else think that he may have accidentally left off the last line of his post? "You will cry out when I slice you up like the slutty turkey that you are, but there will be no one there to hear you scream."

Bad Boy + Sexy Girl = Hot Weekend, Indeed.

Need a shave? - 36

Do you need something shaved? Anything at all? Would it be a turn on for you to have someone do it for you? Then I'm your man. GL white dude ready to help. (6'2, 185, 32w). Usually looking for soon when you see this post. Need to travel. Send face pic if you want a response back. Let's go.

Want to go to a stranger's apartment, drop your drawers, and let some dude you don't know touch you with…a razor? Ever think it would be cool to, oh, I dunno…get your throat slit? Let's go!

DADDY WAITS FOR YOU - 40

Daddy seeks his girl to spoil.

Who is out there?

PLEASE send a message to Daddy.

When I was in college, to skeeve each other out, my roommates and I only had to say one word. We'd say it in a low voice, whispered in each other's ear for dramatic effect during inappropriate situations…and the one word we'd have to say to completely gross the other person out was…daddy.

Still makes me want to vomit. Shiver.

Why are all you women so FULL OF SH*T? - 28

You know, I am getting really sick of replying to your retarded ads here and not getting so much as a response back 75% of the time.

I am sick of that crap.

The least you can do is have the decency to WRITE BACK a person that bothered to reveal their anonymity to you by sending you a photo. Fuckin' hell. Say anything. Say you think I'm not cute enough, or I'm fucking ugly.. or my nose is too big. SAY SOMETHING!

You're all a bunch of CUNTS.

Easy now buddy…put down the gun. That's it. Take a deep breath. Now step back, take a seat, everything's going to be o-kaaaay. Just put down the gun. Honestly, we can work this out…

Vampires Wanted - 22

for blood sucking and midnight rituals

I think I saw something about this on a 48 Hours Mystery last year. These people TOTALLY eat babies.

And then there's this one…who's obviously so not a serial killer…

Sing Sing inmate seeks pen pal - 42

Hello, my name is Victor. I'm interested in pen-pals, females preferred, but anyone can write me if they wish. Race, age and social status does not matter. I will respond to everyone who writes to me. I am a Latino male, five feet eight inches tall, one hundred sixty five pounds. I'm currently going to a college program geared towards a degree in behavioral science, and I'm involved with a vocational electrical trade's course. I enjoy sports, work and music. I would enjoy writing to a woman who is smart, open-minded and enjoys similar interests. I look forward to hearing from you.

Email responses to this ad will be printed and mailed to Victor, via first class mail. There is no email access at Sing Sing. Victor welcomes all responses, but can only respond to you if you provide a mailing address. Victor will respect all boundaries and welcomes the opportunity to correspond with all who are interested in a pen pal relationship. Thank you.

Aww, isn't that sweet! Ladies, just mail your address to "Victor" there at Sing-Sing, and I swear, he totally won't break into your house, kill your dog, and hold you hostage when he gets out of the slammer.

Ahh, life after lock-down. Ain't it precious?

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.