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  Amy Blair    

I used to love New Year's Eve because it was the one night of the year that all bets were off and no matter what … I was gonna bang. It was the one night where all normal standards of decency were tossed aside like so many useless undergarments … and it was perfectly acceptable to bring some dude named Tony (or was it Vito?) home with you at 4 a.m. for champagne and blowjobs in the bathtub. Why? Because it was 1999 MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

These days, the only guarantee about New Year's Eve is that I'm going to puke myself and have to be gently escorted from some vaguely uncomfortable party by my boyfriend who has most likely either just swallowed a Vicodin or a Viagra … and he probably won't be able to remember which one.

Happy New Year, and here's to growing old gracefully. PARTY!!!

New Years Eve Metro North to Harrison from GCT - m4w - 28

Hiya - we made eye contact several times, I mouthed 'happy new year', i was with someone that i am probably never going to see again and couldnt talk to you, you got off the train at Harrison. The clock struck 12 when we were on the train... I really hope you find this...

Who knew that ringing in the New Year on Metro North in Harrison was such a fucking party and a half? Dude's with, like, a hooker, and he's picking up some other broad on the side. That's it. I'm never going to a New Year's party again. Why bother when you can just ride back and forth between Grand Central Station and White Plains all night?

We kissed on New Years at Big Easy whats ur name? - m4w - 30

I was very drunk on New Years but remembered hooking up with someone. She was such a good kisser. What is your name? Did I even ask?

Ahh, The Big Easy … that Upper East Side little slice of heaven where 30-year old former frat boys make out with 19-year old ugly chicks who dance on the bar and occasionally flash their tits in exchange for Mardi Gras beads in December. Isn't it just … exotic to picture New Year's Eve there?! And isn't it just … romantic how this guy totally sucked face with this chick that night (he thinks) and can't remember her name but will go to all lengths to track her down nonetheless?! It's like Romeo and Juliet, but with Beer Pong. Swoon.

I told you that you looked very beautiful on NYE, cause you are! - m4w - 27

Early on NYE...From the time you walked in the door w/ your friend I was captavated, and you damn well knew it cause you kept catching me looking at you;) You came in with one girlfriend, then two more friends met up a little later. You sat at the bar on the other side of my friends. You were in constant conversation with your friends and I dont like to be intrusive, so I waited, and although it was a bit too long of wait, I had to say something, because I believed you had to be complimented on how goergeous you looked that night. You had a long black over coat, under you wore a burgundy hued dress that seemd to be about knee length or so, I guess it may have been a little low cut- I didnt get the clothing details, as i couldnt keep my eyes off your beautiful face, eyes and smile, and hair- I loved your hair that night, the locks;) ah, I die for full and lively hair like yours;) So, I wish I could have lingered and chatted with you ALOT more, but as we all know, when we're in a crew its a majority rule and on a night like NYE everyone has a place they want to roll out to! So it goes, but perhaps I will get lucky in this posting and you or your girlfriend in the white dress who heard me drop the comment will catch this and we can follow up on another weekend!!? If not, the universe will send you my lovin;)

Ahh! Scary man! He makes it so hard to decide exactly which line is the scariest. Was it "you wore a burgundy hued dress that seemd to be about knee length or so, I guess it may have been a little low cut?" Or was it, "I loved your hair that night, the locks;) ah, I die for full and lively hair like yours;)?" Oh wait, I know which line was the scariest. Definitely "If not, the universe will send you my lovin;)."

Please don't kill the nice lady, Mister. Thanks.

For the girl in the flesh toned stockings who yelled in the stalls

Hey, I realize you are probably very young, but you were screaming at these two girls in the stalls of the women's room to speed it up so you could celebrate New Year's Eve. You screamed more than 3 times, and when one girl came out, she must have been so freaked out because she buttoned her pants and got herself together once she got out of the stall. Listen, no on wears nude stockings except older women and nurses from the 70s. You were so rude and so inappropriate, and you looked like an idiot with a jean skirt and very obvious nude stockings. I would never be so mean, but I thought you were very crass.

Wait, what's scarier than some dude saying that he'd die for the "full and lively" hair of some chick he saw at a bar on New Year's Eve? Some drunk chick wearing a jean skirt and nude stockings. That outfit is just … creepy.

We had sex... - 31

We had sex at that new years eve party on the roof around 4am, you said your name was lauren...

I still have some of your stuff.

Christ, the poor suckers who threw the party and had to deal with "Lauren" and this wordsmith porking on their roof at 4 a.m. … um, can you say "party foul?"

And to sum up this glorious holiday of ours…

New Year - m4w - 26

I caught a glimpse of you in the alley beside the bar. Your friend was holding back your red fire hair. I stopped to stare and imagined myself in her shoes, running my hands through the red satin falling down your back. The ends a little wet, but I don't notice as I rub your back through the hitching and convulsing. When you can stand again, I won't mind kissing you. Once again a little wet, but any chance to lay my lips against the lucious fruit of your mouth is the kind of bitter sweet experience I would have come to expect.

I wanted to stride confidently down that hobo feces covered alley, knock your friend to the ground, and tell her to "beat it." I'd be there to take care of you from now on. If she protested, I would step on her chest and be more firm.

But instead I just walked passed with my head down. A coward.

I love you, you sloppy drunk siren. We could've started a new year. Don't ever change.

Words of wisdom, my drunken little asshole readers. Don't ever change. At least not until 2007.



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Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.