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  WEEK IN CRAIG: MY TOP 10 FAVORITE AND MEMORABLE ALL-TIME STUPIDEST POSTINGS EVER.  
  Amy Blair    
   
  I showed up at my high school graduation stoned, with my hair in braids, wearing Birkenstocks and blue John Lennon sunglasses (I can't believe I just admitted that). Even stupider, I walked across the  
  stage at my college graduation wearing a fur coat and carrying a bottle of champagne. I looked like a goddamned hooker. Which is to say, I've never been good with ceremony (and I've always made my mother proud). And so,  
Amy Blair lives on! In 2006, her column moved from The Black Table over to Animal New York, so check her out over there, yo!
 
  here at The End of Things on the blacktable, indulge me for a moment and picture me wearing some sort of clown costume or gorilla suit as you read this farewell Week In Craig. Better yet, picture me in a scuba suit and a gimp ball. No wait! I've got it. Imagine that I'm wearing Ugg boots, one of those flouncy, gypsy skirts and a fashion mullet.

I'll just feel better that way.

Without further sentimental gurgling, I leave you with my parting gift to this site … Amy Blair's Top Ten Favorite and Most Memorable All-Time Most Stupidest Craigslist Postings Ever!!!! Enjoy.

Number 10…

Star Wars missed connection. May the force bring us back… - m4w - 24

It was the 12:01 showing in UES Manhattan. You were the one with your hair in Leia buns. I was dressed as a Storm Trooper. I went to get some popcorn about T- 30 minutes to the movie's commencement. You stood in line ahead of me and bought a large Diet Coke and Jr. Mints. You said "May the force be with you" to the cashier and as you turned around you grazed the outer casing of my forearm plate. I said, "Pathetic rebel scum" and you smiled back. I'd really like to talk you about my plans for world domination. Or maybe get a cup of coffee sometime.

Number 9…

I Need to Chemically Castrate a Man Without him Knowing It (Horror chambers)

I have a guy who wants to be my slave and this is what he wants. To be castrated but not surgically. How do you do this? Any (mad) scientists in the house?

Number 8…

That one time on my Balcony

Won't say what city this was, but the day after my wedding, the night before leaving for 2 weeks to Kauai I was throwing out what ever would have spoiled in the fridge.
I pulled the last 3 eggs out of the fridge and took them out to the 11th floor balcony to smoke a joint with my cousin (my 4 a.m. ride to the airport)
We smoked the joint and decided we'd toss the eggs at cars on the street below us. I tossed one and missed a Mercedes by 10 feet. My cousin tosses his and misses a Porsche by 20 feet.
Fuck it I say and throw the last egg as far and as high in the air as I can IN NO GENERAL DIRECTION.
Out of nowhere this lady steps out of the shadows and this egg - this egg that started on the 11th floor- went as high as the 14th floor and 50 yards in distance came down in a glorious arc and landed FLAT ON THIS BITCHES FOREHEAD.
Not the top of the head. Not the side of the ear, but KAPOW - LIKE RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES AND THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE.
She went down like a sack of potatoes and I almost shit in my pants with the fear of being in jail instead of being on my honey moon.
Needless to say, everything was cool - I made it to Hawaii the entire time and had a hard dick on the entire flight.

Number 7…

womens meditation and spiritual warrior circle

I am looking for a group of women to join me for weekly meditation, spiritual book discussion, writing and rituals to incite connection to our source.
I am a spiritual warrior, I am a bodhissatva, I have held rituals for small groups of women (mostly friends and siblings) that have been UNBELIEVABLE and POWERFUL!! Simple evenings of special tea drinking, meditation, small interactive exercisies lead by each member of the circle, use of ancient healing herbs and oils,etc...
I live in Williamsburg and would love to talk to some of you and see if we can get a weekly or bi-weekly group going.
Dress in your most fabulous goddess attire, I will supply bindies for your third eye, and the tea.. just bring your energy.
Peace and bodhi
sister earth flower robin

Number 6…

FEMALE HUMANOID NEEDED FOR PON FARR ASAP - m4w

If I don't get relief soon it may be fatal. It's backing up into my ears and I'm starting to look like a Vulcan. Earthling, Vulcan, Klingon, Romulan or even Farengi feamle wanted to help this sbm, 5'10", 195#, medium build, brown skined humanoid uncloak and fire off some proton torpedoes, before he implodes.
Please hurry, I will gladly rendevous at any designated coordinates in or around the NY metropolitan star system.

Number 5…

we pick, you get picked

PiCKerS of the WoRLd UniTE~

you know who you are. this is a posting for a barter of sorts. we pick. you get picked. it works out for everyone. pickers... you can't pass a mirror without resisting the urge. you might even sneak into the bathroom while at work~ kill some time, draw faces into the wallpaper patterns, and... pick! you pick when you're at your friends'
house using their bathroom. you pick til you bleed sometimes. you pick and make redness. you try to hide it but everyone knows-- you PICK til there's nothing to pick. you daydream of smearing butter or olive oil on your back to create a harvest artificially. you work at a sweaty carpentry job or greasy bike mechanic gig all day and intentionally don't wash- so you can pick. you pick before going to bed. you pick when you get home. you ask people to pick you. you ask to pick (milk, pump, squeeze out, express, remove, eliminate, eradicate, extrapate, eviscerate, pull up, uproot, grub up, rake out, weed out, route out, dig, extort, wrench, extricate, wring from and pluck out).
we are two sisters. slightly strange, but with good senses of humor and a penchant for mulligan stew. seeking your pores to pick, your minute openings filled with waxy subcutaneous humor. girls and boys, men and women (but must be at least 20). we'll consider really good adolescent acne though. face, back, neck, upper torsos only. the cloggier the better. we'll provide the witch hazel and cotton balls. also some banana bread and music to pick to. you provide the harvest. the bounty. the delightful stomas. non deodorant wearers only please. non sexual ofcourse, but we feel the need to mention this after a stupid response to a vacuum cleaner wanted barter ad we placed, where some jocky frat boy wanted full release massage in exchange for his (price changing throughout the conversation) electroluxxx. those are our only stipulations.
email me/us a photo please. and include brief answers to the following:
-your favorite song or songs
-what sorts of foods you eat generally (so we can mentally prepare for the products)
-drive or bike?
-do you put jelly ON your doughnuts?
-your worst picking incident ever
-placement of most embarrasing zit
-your age and what you do during the day
-a typical night time activity for you
-ever worn huaraches???
-cotton socks, nylon or wool?
-favorite food to cook
-do you worry what the back of your head looks like?
-what kind of lies do you tell (mention the latest one, no names please)
-what do you keep in your bottle cage?
-do you disappoint easily?
-would you rather sit next to someone who has strong BO or strong perfume??
(answer as many of the questions as you like, but be sure to include what the question was).

Number 4…

Valentine's Day Massacres (many)

Valentine Day really sucks! I am remember being a fat unloved dorky kid, I would hand out dozens of Valentine's and never get one in return. So from a young age, I realized that giving love to others DOES NOT equate into getting love in return. So probably by age 10 I had no use for this useless holiday created by Madison Ave along with the florists and greeting card companies. Although now with the greedy women of this world, the jewelers have been brought into the loop! Jewelry is a MUST in order to show your love (roses aren't good enough anymore)
I remember Ms S---- who began dating me on Thanksgiving only to dump me the day after Valentine's Day. Eff her, at least she left the jewelry I bought her for Xmas on top of my piano.
My late wife and I had one of worse fights ever on V-Day. Of course if I knew that she was going to die 2 years later, I would have cut her some slack and not kept fighting, oh well, she's gone now
But my ex-wife was the biggest pain in the ass. She had to out so much effort into the effing thing, like she was planning a stinking wedding and Cafe Des Artistes wasn't good enough next year we had to go to Cafe Pierre and she planned that out months in advance, etc.
Upshot is I had to dump her a day later. I am very greatful that I won't have to see her morbid ass again this year. Eff her and eff VD Day!
eff all you pancake beeyotches!

Number 3…

Tie a note on a ribbon and attach it to a kitten - 30

--and then send the kitten off to me. Smoky gray, a curling tail, and a low purr, please. I'll feed it dinner, nuzzle its head, and question it about you: do you nap? Do you stretch languidly or quickly, does it curls up alongside your back or at your feet? Do you murmur inconsequential details and laugh suddenly for no reason?
And if the kitten's amiable enough, I'll write a note, something halfway scandalous, maybe, and send it back to you.
Sweet young lady (pretty) with fine manners and delightful secrets seeks quirky and smart correspondent. Potential to kiss required. Be nerdy, or be with someone else.
Your image, though I'm sure it's just fine, is not nearly as important as your words.

Number 2…

I was horny earlier but I ate too much schwarma - 44

Its 9:49pm. I'm alone in my apartment with lots of beer. Ordinarily, it would've been a good time to try to get some sex with some hot young white guy with a big dick but dammit......I ate too much schwarma and now my tummy is too full and its starting to hurt.
fuck it, I'm going to bed. I'm too stuffed to even use the damn vibrator.
Men, unless you don't care about having sex after dinner. Never take a woman out to dinner and let her order a lot of food. If she orders a lot of food, you can rest assured that she's not interested in you but wanted to at least get a good meal out of you before she says that she's tired/sick or she forgot to feed the cat and has to go home immediately.
Ladies, I'm sorry I blew up our spot but these idiots will forget what I wrote anyway.

And now finally…

Without further ado…

My all-time favorite craigslist ad…

Drum roll please…

Number 1…

Dress like a bunny, poke a carrot in my butt - w4 - 26 (Garland Area) - w4 - 26

I have it all; a running car with a sunroof, a new laptop, an apartment with hardwood floors, and a job that makes me happy. But I'm missing one thing. I've always wanted someone to dress like a bunny and stick a carrot in me.
I am: 26, white, feminine, red/brown hair, emerald eyes, 5'4", thinnish, and natural 34C's.
You should be: 18-40, any race, sex, sexuality, or build.
The bunny costume need not be too original, maybe some face paint or a set of ears. Bonus points given to full on Easter style costumes and a tail. Points taken away if you dress like Frank from Donnie Darko, that shit freaks me out. I'll supply the lube and maybe the bag of carrots. Extra bonus points given if you actually grow your own in the backyard or whatever.
Preference given to those who send a picture of themselves in some sort of bunny costume. My place or yours--I'll give you beer, software, or a book from my small but growing library (hopefully you like science).
Thanks!
-C

People, you just can't make this shit up.

***

Lindsay was at the start of this thing, and she will always be the best. Incidentally she gives an excellent breast massage. Erika saved my ass in so many ways, so many times, and she never complained once when I tried to sell her on the internet. Arie cyber-stalked me, and I fell in L-U-V. Will, A.J., Eric and Aileen? Let's do this again, sometime. But with more Custard Stand next time.

Goodbye, blacktable. See y'all around the block on February 17. Until then, eff all you pancake beeyotches!

***

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair, winner of The Village Voice's "best website's summary of another website" award, is eager to be called horrible names on Craig's List. Bring it.