In a coup of immense proportions, The Black Table has acquired the shooting script for the next Harry Potter movie installment -- Prisoner of Azkaban. The following is an excerpt:
FADE IN:
INT. DUMBLEDORE'S STUDY -- NIGHT.
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE have just entered. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, headmaster of Hogwarts and finest wizard of his generation, rises from his desk and removes his spectacles.
DUMBLEDORE
I suppose you three are wondering why I called you here in the middle of the school day.
HERMIONE
Yes, it is rather odd.
DUMBLEDORE
Hogwarts is in serious peril, I'm afraid. Our very existence is in jeopardy.
HARRY
What is it? Giants? Blast-Ended Skrewts? (PAUSE). Has Sirius Black escaped from prison?
DUMBLEDORE
No, it's something much more …
RON
Vampires?
DUMBLEDORE
No, as I was about to say …
RON
Centaurs from the Forbidden Forest? Werewolves? Boggarts? Is it a Boggart? It's a Boggart, isn't it?
DUMBLEDORE waves his hand, transforming Ron into a footstool.
DUMBLEDORE
Ah, that's better. (TURNING SERIOUS). We are in grave peril, my friends.
DUMBLEDORE picks up a large, dusty book from a top shelf. With much difficulty, he places the thick volume on his desk. A cloud of dust rises.
DUMBLEDORE
Probably should have levitated that. (OPENS BOOK). Children, have you been watching the national deficit?
HARRY
Um, no … I've been studying for my Alchemy exam.
DUMBLEDORE
(POINTING TO PAGE IN BOOK) With our current financial policy, I'm afraid that we are on the road to fiscal ruin. Many if not most economists believe that we will have a national deficit deep into this century.
THE CHILDREN listen silently. HARRY sits on the footstool (RON).
DUMBLEDORE
I have also been troubled by our bellicose military policy; our arrogant foreign policy, and a domestic security policy that threatens our freedom of speech, press, and person.
A STRANGE LOOKING DOG ambles into the room on wobbly legs.
HARRY
Professor, what is that?
HERMIONE
A Jelly-Legged Daschle. Known for cowering at the slightest sign of trouble.
DUMBLEDORE
Yes. A treasured pet.
HARRY reaches to pet the creature, but it scampers under the desk.
HARRY
Professor -- why is the Jelly-Legged Daschle kept as a pet, but last Wednesday, when the custodians found a Peeping Ashcroft on the grounds, you had it stewed for supper?
DUMBLEDORE
Peeping Ashcrofts are very dangerous, Harry. If you let them get a foothold, soon all of your civil liberties will be gone.
A LOUD BUZZING NOISE fills the room. TINY WINGED CREATURES flutter about, causing the children to duck and wave their arms.
HARRY
What are these things?!
DUMBLEDORE
Ah, Mincing Firesteins. Delightful creatures. They were all released from confinement following the Supreme Court's ruling on gay sex.
DUMBLEDORE opens a closet door, but the MINCING FIRESTEINS ignore it and fly out an open window.
HARRY
(THOUGHTFULLY) Professor, I'm still not sure about the difference between the creatures here at Hogwarts.
HERMIONE
Yes. For instance, the Owl Gore is tolerated, even though one look from it can turn a person to solid stone. But the Wagering Bennett, though basically harmless, is trapped and used for its meat and fur.
DUMBLEDORE
Well, you see children …
There is A COMMOTION OUTSIDE, and DUMBLEDORE rushes to the window.
DUMBLEDORE
Oh heavens, it's a Bork! I must call the professors -- if we don't gather enough votes to block its nomination, there's no telling what crazy laws might get passed!
HARRY
Professor, are you sure? Borks are known to be ugly and rude, but there is no record of one ever harming anyone.
HERMIONE
Yes -- and why is there a dartboard on your wall with George W. Bush's face on it?
DUMBLEDORE
(GASPS) He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!
THE DOOR TO THE STUDY suddenly flings open, and PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL steps into the room dramatically.
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Yes, I've been wondering about these things myself lately.
DUMBLEDORE
Get back!
MCGONAGALL WAVES HER WAND in DUMBLEDORE'S direction.
PROFESSOR MACGONAGALL
Wingardium Leviosa!
As a result of the spell, DUMBLEDORE'S BEARD FLIES OFF, revealing the face of …
HARRY, HERMIONE
Walter Cronkite!!
PROFESSOR MACGONAGALL
I feared as much. The entire school was shifting to the left -- you couldn't even keep dinner plates on the shelf without them sliding off. And thanks to you children, we've solved the mystery.
MACGONAGALL notices the footstool, and with another wave of her wand changes Ron back to normal.
WALTER CRONKITE
You fools! Look at our current foreign policy! If you stop me now, we're headed toward an inevitable catastrophic world conflict!
PROFESSOR MACGONAGALL
Yes, it's all clear to me now. You see children, when Richard Harris passed away following the second movie, we were forced to bring in another Dumbledore -- personally I was hoping for Sean Connery. But Walter Cronkite stepped in at the last minute, and who could say no to the Most Trusted Man in America?
RON
But we're in England!
MACGONAGALL waves her wand, changing Ron into a roll of quarters.
MACGONAGALL
Cronkite recently acquired that syndicated column with King Features, and let the power go straight to his head. The grandfatherly news anchor whom we all trusted to be fair and impartial, turns out to have an agenda. Perhaps he had one all along -- it's impossible to say. (TURNING TO DOOR) Hagrid? Come in, please.
HAGRID THE GIANT ENTERS, swinging a dead GERALDO.
HAGRID
Found this under the Whomping Willow. He tried for one exlusive too many, I'm afraid.
PROFESSOR MACGONAGALL
Escort Mr. Cronkite off of the school grounds, would you please? A few months in Azkaban Prison should do nicely. And inform the staff that the Dumbledore auditions will resume in the morning.
WALTER CRONKITE
(STRUGGLING AS HAGRID DRAGS HIM OUT)
The real threat to Democracy is half a nation in poverty! Our voices will not be stilled!
(NOT VISIBLE NOW -- HIS VOICE ECHOING FROM DOWN THE HALL)
Don't give up on the U.N.!
HARRY
God, I hate this place. Want to go into town and play some video games?
HERMIONE
Sure, whatever.
HARRY SCOOPS UP THE ROLL OF QUARTERS (RON), AND THEY DEPART, AS WE …
FADE OUT
More from Mr. Chandler:
THE MILLER'S
CROSSING.
DUDE, WHERE'S MY LICENSE TO DRIVE?!
*BT*
Rick Chandler is the former managing editor of Ironminds.com, and is now a columnist for NBCSports.com. He owns many attractive ties.
