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  WEEK IN CRAIG: SUPER SECRET CELEBRITY CRAIG POSTS.  
  Will Leitch    
   
 

Amy Blair ate some uncooked sushi Thursday evening and chased it with a pint of calamine lotion. Thus, she is currently emptying her gall bladder somewhere just outside Teaneck, N.J. She'll be back next week. We apologize.

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I am new to this Craig's List game. It has never made sense to me. Why people would want to read the raving, uninformed postings of anonymous blowhards and braggarts for voyeuristic sport is beyond me. If I wanted to do that, I'd read blogs.

We laugh, we joke, we kid. We even guffaw occasionally.

Anyway. I am not fascinated by the awkward fumblings of the grimy proletariat. I am far more compelled by the comings and goings of the beautiful luminaries of the world of celebrity. They have better upholstery, they're adequately airbrushed and their teeth are whiter than white, like those of the great Kip Winger. Plus, they often give blow jobs on tape.

And some of them have their own blogs … in secret! In the past week, hook-nosed surfer Owen Wilson and half-Jew radio newscaster Howard Stern have been rumored -- or even confessed -- to have their own, under-the-radar, stealth blogs. This is an absolute fact. Further research -- we are a journalistic institution, after all -- revealed other popular blogs are, in fact, run by celebrities. This is off-the-record (seriously, tell NO ONE!), but here's a list, just between you and me:

Gawker.com: Celebrity editor: Jeffrey Ross

The Minor Fall, The Major Lift: Latino pop star David Brisbal (ARRIBA!)

Lindsayism.com: "Tiny" Lister Jr.

Whatevs.org: Edna St. Vincent Millay

Maud Newton: Former St. Louis Cardinals second baseman Julian Javier

It came as little surprise, then, when The Black Table received an anonymous tip last week: The postings in the "casual encounters" section of the popular online bartering village known as the "Craig's" "List" are, in fact, secret messages sent by celebrities. Yes. I'm as shocked as you. But it's true. The Black Table is incapable of lying; it is against our programming.

Witness:

Just hanging out..watching HBO on demand

Hey there -
I'm 26 (male/white). Very cute.. very sexy. I feel really lonely tonight. I found out that my ex girlfriend got married a week ago. It feels kindda strang.. I don't know.. sad. Anyway, if you're cute and attractive, and you feel like hanging out at my East Village apt.. drink beer and watch HBO re-runs... answer to this posting

This is sent by popular television personality Pat Sajak. Seconds after this was posted, he snorted two lines of Special K off the cracked, charred ass of a transgendered hooker named, coincidentally, "Dennis Miller." He then watched his cat have sex with his pet gerbil and called it a night.

IS EVERYONE WATCHING FRIENDS?

I CANNOT BELIEVE EVERYONE IS AT HOME WATCHING FRIENDS. WE'LL I AM AS WELL, SO WHY DONT YOU COME OVER NOW AND CATCH THE REST OF IT.

I JUST MOVED INTO A NEW APARTMENT SO THERE ARE SOME BOXES STILL AROUND, BUT WE'LL SIT BACK, HAVE SOME DRINKS (HIT THE SLOPES IF YOU ARE UP TO IT) AND JUST CHILL AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE MIGHT HAPPEN. FEELING PRETTY PLAYFUL? SO AM I.

GOOD LOOKING SEXY BAD BOY WHO IS A VERY GOOD MAN. 6' WITH BRN HAIR AND WELL GROOMED. I WILL SPOIL YOU AND YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU CAME BY. MY PLEASURE IS GIVING YOU PLEASURE.

David Schwimmer. Obviously.

In need of a woman with a strap-on

I want a woman to use her toys all in me. i dont care how big. have been wanting this for so long. i cant wait any longer. early in teh daytime is best for me. please let me know what you want to do with me

At first, we had heard this was Death to Smoochy star Robin Williams. (We were distracted by the lack of apostrophes. It happens.) But further detailed examination revealed that the true culprit is none other than former football star Eric Dickerson. Interesting, about an hour after the post, Bill Cosby and Flaming Lips singer Wayne Coyne popped by. It was quite the bash, we hear, until Mia Hamm showed up. Boy, can that lady toss a salad, or what?

$$$LADIES!JOBS AVAILABLE!PEE WHILE BEING WATCHED!GET PAID!300+!-

ATTENTION LADIES!JOBS AVAILABLE!WE ARE LOOKING FOR FEW ATTRACTIVE AND OPEN MINDED LADIES AGES 18-32 THAT CAN PEE WHILE BEING WATCHED.PRIVATE 1 ON 1 SESSIONS.ITS TOTALY SAFE EASY AND LOTS OF FUN.NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED.ALL GENTLEMEN ARE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS AND BUSINESS MEN.WE HAVE FEW JOBS AVAILABLE FOR TODAY.$300+.FUTURE WORK AVAILABLE TOO.PLEASE REPLY WITH YOUR NAME AGE DISCRIPTION AND PICTURE IF POSSIBLE.

Surprisingly, this is not R. Kelly. It is, in fact, Reservoir Dogs star Chris Penn. Thanks for playing.

let's surprise my boyfriend!

He deserves it! let's get together and pretend that we are old friends from the school days we start flirting....I don't know if he can take it but sure that we can have fun...
Let's do it tomorrow!

This is no one you have known or have met.

Male 4 Roleplay With Indian Woman

I am a bearded Caucasian male into both kindness and kinkiness, nsa yet gratitude/respect. And I have a fascination for women from India. I am intelligent, sensitive, and sensual, and want to explore creative roleplaying in an erotic context. I believe we are all multidimensional, and stagnation and many stifling limits can be overcome by experimenting and experiencing all of our many facets. Last night, I had a dream which inspired me to place this ad. Age does not matter as much as does intelligence, imagination, and a basic good heart lying underneath the lust/thirst.

You know what's funny? This is Dick Cheney.

 

Want More?

Hit up The Week in Craig Archive.

 

Amy Blair will be back next week if she can find her colon.