|BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: THE VILLAGE VOICE'S MICHAEL MUSTO.|
|By A.J. Daulerio||
|You just can't get a better
media personality than the Village Voice's hunky Mike Musto.
He's wonderfully witty, a sharp dresser, an avid bike rider and queer with a capital GAY. His long-standing column "La Dolce Musto" is one of the only fun things left in the Voice besides the personal ads for Asian beauties and chicks with dicks. In addition to his writing, you can see his perky, bespectacled head pop up on E! and all those VH-1 countdown shows, spouting off about Matt and Ben, Liza and David, and basically any other pop celebrity in the past two decades. He LOVES that stuff. He also loves rocks and hard places.
Take off your pants, it's time to Musto. Mocha. Choca. Latta. Ya Ya.
BT: So, the Village Voice seems kind of not-so-fun anymore. It's all smart and stuff. I thought it was an alternative newspaper? Shouldn't it be talking about gays, Mumia Abdul Jabbar, and Seattle rock and roll? Wuh happened?
MM: So Seattle rock is your idea of a rollicking good time? Hmm. Well, that's good because we had a coverline about garage bands just this week. And we cover so much gay stuff we're practically the Bravo channel of alternative weeklies. I honestly feel the paper has a healthy balance between the light and the weighty. Though I mostly read my own column.
BT: Do you think there is an "alternative press" anymore? Does it even exist? Everything alternative seems to have gone mainstream on some level, so what's the frickin' point? Why can't it all just be n-e-w-s?
MM: Yes, the underground has been subsumed by the mainstream, but that only makes us alternative weekly people work even harder to find something shocking or new. And it fucking works! I still use way dirtier words and write up freakier freaks than anyone who lives in Midtown.
BT: Would you rather drink a milkshake made of dirty diapers and hard shell crabs or have messy bathroom sex with Amy Sohn?
MM: Fuck a dead baby. Oh, I mean have messy bathroom sex with Amy Sohn. The first choice is out of the question because I'm lactose intolerant.
BT: So, you're gay and stuff. You're also Italian, I gather. Do you think being Italian and gay is more acceptable as opposed to, I dunno, being Gay-sian?
MM: Being Italian and gay isn't more acceptable to Italians, that's for sure. But if you mean more acceptable to other people, oh yeah, I guess being what is derogatorily called "a slop-happy foppy wop" is a pure delight that I'd recommend to EVERYONE.
BT: Who are the top five people in media that you'd like to see naked?
MM: 'N Sync. Oh, in the media? The Village People. Oh, all right, just one. Jayson Blair. To see if he's telling the truth about THAT.
BT: Which celebrity has had the worst breath you've ever come across?
MM: Liza. If I'd have lit a match, I'd be Italian gay toast.
BT: Do you think Steve Kmetko is handsome?
MM: You betcha. Greg Louganis doesn't pop his gay cork for just anyone that swivels along (and kindly note my discretion in not using that ridiculous nickname, Greg Loose-anus). Steve is tantalizingly hot and for many years put the EEEEAT ME! back in E! Having seen him in person, I can attest to the fact that he's impressively wide and delectably chiseled. He can cohost my "E! News Daily" any time.
BT: Would you rather let a howler monkey give you head while you're riding your bike through Chelsea or pull a potato out of Nat Hentoff's ass with your teeth?
MM: Fuck a dead baby. But the potato thing sounds fun. I don't get to do enough stuff with Nat.
BT: Do you like being on E! or VH-1(!) better?
MM: I like being on anything. I just wrote a column about what a sound bite whore I am. Both of those networks pay the same -- nothing -- so you can't even differentiate between them that way. But even for zilch, they both offer wonderful, ego-boosting forums for my views on everything that really matters in the world. Whether I'm on the E! True Hollywood Story about Lisa Marie Presley or VH1 All Access: Awesomely Bad Girls, I am one proud little ho, thrilled that my expensive Ivy League education finally paid off.
BT: Does Jules Asner have kankles?
MM: No, but she's got Steve Soderbergh, and that may have had something to do with her nabbing Julia Roberts and George Clooney for "Revealed."
BT: Would you rather stick a live, active beehive on your dong-ee or knock all your teeth out with a hammer?
MM: The beehive thing because I need my teeth to pull the potato out of Nat Hentoff's ass.
BT: Which East Village dive has the best glory hole?
MM: The Cock because there's no wall around it.
BT: Do you think you could beat Dan Savage in mud wrestling?
MM: No, but I could cream him at "Name That Cher Video."
BT: What have you written in your life that you're most proud of?
MM: The answer to the glory hole question.
BT: If you could give me a nickname what would it be?
MM: Mr. Hotsy Totsy Poopy Pants -- or maybe the Tree of Life.
BT: Do you think you'll ever leave New York media?
MM: You wish!
BT: Would you rather be a fluffer for Rip Taylor for a week or give Charles Nelson Reilly a coffee enema?
MM: I could combine the two. While I fill Charles's hole with the hot java, Rip could watch and get bone-hard. It's called double tasking.